A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This may be a bit of a long read and for that I'm sorry. Basically, for the past 5 years I have been in love with my best friend, and after a lot of drama in the past 6 months we've finally decided to give it a go. We aren't public, because we aren't going out. We're 'just seeing how things go' for now. Partly because she doesn't feel fully comfortable with anyone at the moment due to past relationships etc etc. All I know is that when we are together we are happy and it has honestly been the best times of my life after 5 years finally being with her. Anyway we have a mutual best friend who knows everything that has gone down in the past from both sides. He knows all the drama he has helped out or at least I thought he was trying to help out. We're on webcam each day from about 5-6 to 2-3 in the morning and for quite a petty reason we got into an argument the other day. It wasn't major or anything and it was resolved pretty soon after, but I felt the need to apologize in more than just over webcam as I will be honest the argument although petty was my fault. It sounds quite stupid, but my way of attempting to apologize while making her laugh was to go on her facebook and write a status as if she's left herself logged in on someone elses account (okay not the best idea but this isn't the issue, I know it would have been well receptive the way I would have put it). When I logged on however, I saw the conversation up with our mutual best friend who knew about the fight as I was talking to him on msn about it trying to get his advice on how to fix it. He was telling me don't worry I'm talking to her and I'm managing to calm her down now.Naturally curiosity got the best of me, it is bad but I have reason to be skeptical because while we were having issues before he had tried to kiss her, he beat himself up about it for ages and said it was a drunken mistake and he genuinely seemed very concerned (he even stopped talking to her and tried to make it alright with me for a while till I forgave him and told him to start talking to her again because it was obviously going to hurt her if one of her best friends just stops talking to you). Anyway so I did look through the chat and what I saw was what seems like a very fake best friend giving two different accounts to two different people. First thing I noticed is that when she said she just doesn't feel like shes pretty anymore compared to a few years ago (she was going through old photos feeling nostalgic) and he kept calling her beautiful and I wasn't too upset at this point it didn't come across as too weird. However, out of the blue he started saying: 'I'm right here, I want you and if you don't know that then you should. The only thing holding me back is XXXXX (me), because otherwise you'd be the girl of my dreams because you are stunning, girly, but still you and you make me cry with laughter.'She responded by saying something along the lines of 'as much as i know you love me im just not that kinda girl for you' and then he responded saying ' I don't even wanna compare you to them, but like neither of them would let me just play guitar and sing down the phone to them, so stop thinking I don't want you because I do.'At this point I was pretty upset, but I appreciated that at least he said he couldn't do anything about it due to me, shows some sort of friendship I assumed. However, as we got into the argument he was telling me on msn that I wasn't at fault and that she is a complete drama queen and over dramatic about everything and I shouldn't change how I'm acting because I'm not wrong. Then I saw in his conversation he is saying to her: 'I will tell you this though, XXXXX's overreacting can be a little tedious, but don't tell him that' and 'urgh I don't like how he's making this about him, when it's you being upset' and clearly just giving her different advice to me as if he wants us to fight and not be alright... I really don't know what to do... Do I say anything? I mean I know it was bad that I was on her facebook reading that conversation, but I went on with good intentions of just apologizing, but it caught my eye.Please help in regards to the situation, I'm acting really off with my 'best' friend as a result and he has no idea as to why, but he's starting to realize. Also, if I continue to act really off with him, I'm worried that he's not going to 'hold back because of' me anymore. We're seeing how things go, but we've talked about exclusiveness and we both agreed there to be none for now as we don't know where this is heading and she doesn't know when she'll fully be ready for a relationship so she doesn't want to hold me back. But I really don't know what I'd do if he tried anything, because they are at the point where they are fine to meet up as a 2 and I never had any concerns till now... Please give me your honest opinions.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (24 May 2011):
 Hi
thats a lot clearer to me too. the short version to this would be, to keep this so called friend 'john' about as far away from you as possible. sounds like a right creep. He wants what you have in order to make himself happy, and is not taking your freindship at all seriously. I would never dream of doing such a thing to my freind.he sounds like a male version of single white female, he will be wearing the same outfits as you next lol If I knew my freind has liked someone for a long time OR a short time, I would value her freindship any day and steer clear, even if I liked the person as well. there are lines you dont cross, and 'john' obviously dont know where that line is. As far as the girl is concerned, I would tell her how much this has effeted you, and that you miss her company. And dont tell 'john' anything in future, as you know he can NOT be trusted.. x
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 May 2011):
 Thank you for clarifying this, and I understand your question better now. You want to know what to do with the friend... well, from how I understand it, and you must see it the same way, he's not acting in your best interest, on in her best interest. He's acting for his own best interest, in effect screwing you over. Is that the actions of a true friend? No. You've been a good and loyal friend to him, however he is two faced.
The solution is to cut some ties here. It is sad, and you don't have to cut him out completely, but he no longer deserves to have status as "best friend". Take him for what he is, and now for what you wish he was. He's a guy who primarily cares for himself, even if that means stepping on a few people to get what he wants. While choosing "hoes over bros" he's telling you that the friendship is not worth it to him. He values his own interests higher.
Just.. keep him as a friend, but a more distant one. Hang out with other people, stay friendly with him and don't be rude, but don't discuss your private life with him either.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2011): Regardless of what happened (it's too late now), I'd suggest you let this go with your gf. She did nothing wrong by politely declining his advances.As for your friend, drop him. He sounds like he's playing and manipulating you and would drop you in a second if she had agreed to go out with him instead. Sometimes if you bend over backwards to help selfish people as much as you say you are, they begin to see you as a doormat. Even more than before, they will only think of themselves and their own personal happiness. So as I said, don't see him, don't contact him. Don't believe him if he apologises (he'll say anything to get what he wants). He'll always be a thorn in the side of this relationship from now on and if the opportunity arised, would probably think nothing of ruining future ones if he liked the girl enough.Don't feel bad, most people misjudge someone at some point, so learn from this experience (i.e don't be used as a doormat and don't treat any friends as your personal relationship counselor) and you'll be fine.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Honest +, writes (23 May 2011):
 Yeah you shouldn't snoop, or put yourself in a position where you might accidentally snoop, but it's done now and it does happen so I think you have to work out how to move on from it. From where I'm standing you have two options: Put it to one side, she said no to him (and perhaps is finding it difficult being trapped between two of her close friends) and was essentially loyal to you. He's obviously being a little two-faced and so be careful what you say to him in future and rise above it, don't let him stir because without a reaction, he's not succeeding. Two: If you're that bothered and can't escape it then you have to talk to them both about it, in person, and separately (I'd recommend her first so she doesn't hear about the facebook thing through him.) However you should be aware that the reaction may not be a kind one, even though what you did was an accident, it could jeopardize everything.Clearly you are crazy about this girl, and clearly you want a proper relationship with her. I find that if someone is constantly not doing things or behaving a certain way for someone it means they are not secure and feel like a little thing could mean losing them. This isn't true. If someone is willing to break up with you over a little behaviour such as simply asking where you stand, then they were always going to break up with you for some small thing and weren't that committed in the beginning. You wouldn't walk away from her if she asked you what the deal was or got jealous would you? I know it's hard but I think you have reached an all or nothing point with this girl. However, that was an aside and something to think about in your own time and in your own way. Hope that helps.Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPerhaps I didn't explain myself properly, and if so I apologise. However, I do understand that my actions weren't properly thought out, but I'll try and explain the best I can. Basically she and I have each others passwords (there was no hacking or guessing of her password) and I didn't go on with the intention of snooping, I went on with the intention of attempting to do something to make her laugh/apologise at the same time. Looking back on it, it wasn't the greatest way of doing so. I could put it down to being kind of delirious at 5am, but I won't. I understand that whilst not deliberately snooping, when it first logged me in and the chat box with him was open I found my curiosity got the best of me and well it wasn't my strongest moment I'll admit.I feel the need to explain our situation better, I wouldn't say what we have is a fling, nor would I say we are going out. We both agreed we wouldn't actively go looking for anything else (I guess that may involve some exclusiveness perhaps?) but we did in an attempt to have less stress involved (which clearly hasn't worked now). It's not that she's looking for anyone at the moment and she has turned down many others and I didn't mean for it to sound like I don't trust her because after so long as being her best friend before this, as naive as it may sound I believe that she'll look to our 5 years of friendship as well in making decisions.The whole situation was not about my misplaced trust for her, but more so for what to do about this friend. Again, I may not have explained fully the situation and I apologise. He has just gotten out of a year and a half relationship, whilst me and this girl have always sort of kept to ourselves we took it upon ourselves to dedicate more time to him now that they've split up. I've gotten out of bed countless times at 3am to drunk phone calls or simply phone calls that have dragged me all the way to his to help console him. Failing that at least hours on the phone. All of which I was happy to do for someone I called one of my best friends. He has helped me just as much as I have helped him or so I would have thought with my situation, however it does seem now that he takes the information that I give him and due to me reading what I did read warps it and makes me sound like an arrogant self obsessed person which I just am not. He began seeing her on a 1 to 1 basis which I was completely fine with because I assumed like when he saw me he was just upset. What I've realised only after reading that conversation is that he seems to have stopped any mopping about when meeting up with her and has stopped attempts to see me.I understand that he may have feelings for her that have pent up over the years or perhaps because we both spent more time with him after his harsh breakup he is projecting feelings onto her. This girl and I are simply taking things as they come because we don't know if they will lead to anything, but due to us having our A level exams we wanted it to be as stress free as possible till we can evaluate where we are at afterward, I wouldn't go as far as to call it a simple fling when feelings that we both have are involved this deep.I'm more upset at the fact that for the last 3 years I've done nothing but be the guy who's always there for him and he can go as far as to do this as soon as we have an argument and attempt to pit us against each other. It seems almost like he is a Machiavellian Villain in the sense that he seems to play us as if he is a puppet master. He will tell me that I'm in the right and to do this course of action, whilst telling her that she is right and that I am the one overreacting.I will refer to the guy as 'John' from now on to avoid further confusion if possible. I will add at this point something which I found out today from another of my friends. I explained the situation to this other friend who went out with said girl a while back, albeit it was short as they never got on, but whilst they were going out 'John' asked her for sex and that was the reason this friend and 'John' fell out.I'm upset as I don't think I've misjudged someone this badly in a long while. I really don't understand what would bring 'John' to act this way because I doubt very much that he is in love with her. It is as if our friendship meant nothing. Whilst we have been close for 3 years he's known how I've felt for 5 and he's also known that although I never brought up my feelings in that time till now (she was in a relationship with a guy for 4 years) out of respect for this guy who I've never met, I just can't fathom how someone could do that to their supposed 'best friend'.I do thank you for the responses and hope this has cleared anything up, I understand that the snooping was a very stupid thing to do, however it has happened and I'm very confused as to what I should do from here. I do not intend to bring up the fact I was on her account yet I don't feel I can be the same way around 'John'. Actually an added point is that me and this girl realised that he was two faced when we went through a bit of drama where me and her stopped speaking for a while so we could try and forget our feelings. She told him that she misses me and he told her to attempt to contact me. When she did, naturally I went to him for advice and he said that I should ignore any contact from her and she was bad news for me and wouldn't feel the same way that I felt about her. We figured this out and I don't understand how he bypassed it, it has only come back to me now that this situation has presented itself.I would be grateful for any responses, the ones I have had have been very helpful so far and I hope you can continue to give me your honest opinions, thanks.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (23 May 2011):
Hi
I agree that you should never snoop into peoples accounts, but your so called freind is no freind at all if he is going behind your back, given he knows the set up you and this girl have. I would drop him like a hot cake. This girl though is probally scared of loosing your frendship, so is not so full on at the moment because if it dont work out she could loose you forever. She told your so called freind she is not his type, that was her gentle way of telling him to get lost. Dont that tell you that you can trust her? dont snoop into her private life again, because if she finds out, she will be furious and you WILL loose her for good. I think you both need to either make it official and get on with it, or agree to just stay freinds and be there for eachother.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (23 May 2011):
Set me straight if I misunderstood this. Your story was complicated to follow, especially the facebook and chat-log thing. I didn't understand that at all. So I will try to sum up how I understand the situation, and if I'm wrong just correct me.
You are in love with Girl. Best Friend is also in love with Girl. You didn't know about this until now, after... hacking into her facebook account? I don't understand how you got your hands on this conversation, so please explain. It is relevant as it's own issue, because if you went snooping this is a sign that YOU aren't ready for a relationship. People who snoop are not trusting, and without trust there is no relationship, and likewise your partner will not trust you if you can not respect their privacy. Second is that what people say to each other in confidentiality is not supposed to be read/heard/shared with someone else. This is primarily because it is none of their business.
I will claim it truly is none of your business what goes on between the two of them. It can be hurtful, but you have no right to know about it, or find out about it. If you were Girls boyfriend (which you aren't, you're just having a fling), you would have had to trust her judgment. You would have had to show her that you trust her enough for men of all kinds to approach her and confess their love, and not be threatened by that. Since she is not even your girlfriend, you can not expect her to come off as "unavailable", yet that is what she's actually done.. she did say no to Best Friend.
What I am trying to say is that you need to put what you read behind you, because Best Friends feelings for her is the least of your concern. You can not control how other people will feel, or act. But you can control yourself. So what you need to focus on now is how deep you are willing to get into this. It could be heartbreaking to continue seeing a girl whom you love, but doesn't want you in the same way. And you know that she might be with someone else at any moment. Are you actually willing to risk your heart on this gamble?
At least, set some rules for this sort-of relationship. Tell Girl that you can not go on as some lap-dog ready to come when she calls, while she tries to figure out her emotions. I don't think you can, or should, be with her in this unofficial relationship. You gave it a go, fair enough, but this wont work for you. You will be heartbroken! You don't want a fling, and an unofficial relationship that you might lose at any moment can only work if you do not have feelings involved!! You have TONS of feelings involved. The risks are too high. So if you are dead set on continuing you need to tell her that while things are unofficial, and she's free to date other men, if she falls in love with someone, if she wants to kiss someone, and if she wants to have sex with someone else other than you, she needs to break it off with you first.
Going from one partner to the other without telling you, is not only hurtful to you, it is also unhygienic as she might spread and STI. In addition, I imagine the thought of her sleeping with someone else (for example best friend or who knows) and then coming to you and sleeping with you... it would disgust me and make me feel like shit. So, the rules of an unofficial relationship is that if she wants to have a fling, or affair, with someone else, the unofficial relationship needs to be called off first.
And, last piece of advice, I will repeat that snooping is a bad quality. It makes you unfit for a relationship. Don't ever do that again, don't even tempt yourself or give yourself excuses like "I had good intentions". There is no good intention that justifies intruding someones privacy. Logging in to another persons facebook, or do so-called facerapes (where you write on the status of someone else) is intruding that persons privacy. People who do that don't understand the concept of privacy, or respect it, and I would question their ability to know where the line is drawn. This is what landed you in this mess, you didn't know where to draw the line when it comes to privacy. What you did was wrong, but do not mention it. Do not tell anyone you logged in on her account, or saw the conversation. Keep it to yourself as a bad decision you made. Don't repeat it. This is actually a deal breaker to many in a relationship, and will ensure you remain single.
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