A
male
age
41-50,
*lexey323
writes:I’m a man in my early thirties and right now I have a complicated situation in my life. My best friend confessed to me that he’s gay. We know each other for almost 25 years and he’s like a brother to me. We grew up together, we went in the same kinder garden and the same school, for a short time we even worked in the same job. So when he told me it I was more than surprised. He said that he’s in love with me and all those years he has been afraid to tell me. He has tried to get over me for years, but he can’t. I’ve nothing against gay people and I appreciate his courage for exposing his true feelings to me. I guess I’m also surprised I didn’t notice it earlier that he sees me more than a friend. Is it ok to feel a bit confused about this whole thing? I mean, I feel something has changed in our friendship. If he would have just told me he’s gay, I wouldn’t feel weird, but he said that he’s into me and that makes me feel really strange. We haven’t talked about it anymore and actually I don’t want to. I didn’t tell him I’m straight, I assume he knows it by himself, because I’ve had a bunch of girlfriends. I can’t talk to him like I did before. I can’t relax in his presence. All the time I have a feeling that he’ll suddenly jump at me and do God knows what. When he’s next to me, I can really hear my heart pounding, perhaps because of being tense. I’ve started to avoid him, I make up various reasons so that we don’t meet. And the more I avoid him, the more he wants to see me. I’m not saying I’m abandoning him, I’m just trying to keep a distance. Do you think we can still be friends? I mean, he’ll always look forward for something more. Will this love of his ever end?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2013): Dear OP,I once was on the opposite end of a situation like this and if you are really determined that you want to keep him as a friend, my advice might be very useful to you.I can completely understand your confusion and I feel for you because it cannot be easy. However, I strongly advice you to be honest with him above all else!!Simply tell him. Tell him that you are confuse, tell him that you don't want to talk about it(this is your right), tell him that you ARE definitely straight. Believe me he WILL hope, unless you tell him clearly, leaving no room for interpretation. I know it is not easy but please tell him and don't leave him hanging and wondering.You might think this is only for his sake but it is really not. I smiled when I read the more I avoid him, the more he wants to see me. This was exactly how I felt... and reacted. Our friendship ended up wrecked. And today, even though I am long over it, I do not see her with the eyes of a friend anymore. Too hurtful was the way she treated me after I came out to her, not deeming me worth of any kind of explanation or honesty. She simply "phased me out" and believe me that leaves a mark if someone important to you does this to you.However. I can also say that if she had taken a moment to honestly tell me how she felt and that she was confused and afraid, I would have respected it and given her all the time and space she needed.Maybe for the two of you it is not to late to save the friendship.I wish you all the best.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2013): You have to talk to him. It doesn't have to be complicated, just something along the lines of your question. For me, it helps to write a letter and either read it to the person later or if you're not comfortable doing that, giving it to them so they can read it themselves. Just make sure that you make it clear that it's not the fact that he's gay that's putting you off, just the attraction to you bit. He could be attracted to you because of your close relationship. If you think about it, best friends are pretty much like significant others without the romance. Since he just came out to you, it doesn't sound like he's been in many romantic relationships, let alone long term ones. It's possible he just hasn't felt this level of closeness with anyone else and his feelings for you romantically may go away when he finds himself a good relationship with a stable partner.I also wouldn't assume that he knows you're straight. My best friend lived a straight lifestyle until one of her friends confessed to her that she was attracted to her. It made my bff realize that she was attracted to her too. People can go their whole lives not acknowledging their sexuality, sometimes all it takes is someone else verbalizing it. My point is, in telling him your sexual preference you are setting a boundary for your relationship. If he's really a good friend, he'll respect that and not further press the issue. Just be clear and don’t try to “soften the blow”; I’m not saying to go all, “Gross, dude, no way! How could you think that?!?” on him but don’t give him hope the situation might change. He may need some time to think/move on, after all it's human nature to feel embarrassed after confessing a deep, dark secret only to find someone doesn't feel the same way.Talk about your confusion as to how to proceed, I’m sure he’ll have his own point of view on that, too. Neither of you wants to lose your best friend (which is why you’re dreading talking to him), you just need to keep open communication. He probably won’t be as surprised as you think about your feelings, which is why, I’m assuming, he kept this in for so long. He may be more emotionally prepared at this point in his life to deal with romantic rejection. He doesn’t want to lose you as a best friend, but he couldn’t stand keeping such a big secret from you either (a good quality to have in best friend). You owe him as much, so take a deep breath and face your fears (really, the letter writing helps keep your thoughts together while getting your point across and keeps emotions from interfering). It’s usually not as bad as you think it’ll be, and if it is, you’ve already mentally prepared for the worst and it won’t be much different than it is now with you avoiding each other.Best of luck to you both, I know you can work it out!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 January 2013):
 When did he know he was gay? That's important for my answer. Thanks!
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female
reader, lmao1989  +, writes (28 January 2013):
 Well yeah you can feel confused because it's a big thing to take on board and obviously has shocked your system.I far from think you should be avoiding him. Perhaps he felt if he told you may be you'd put him straight so he has that freedom to then move on because if he doesn't know how you feel towards him after him expressing it he can't move on because it's the what ifs and buts... You need to talk with him let him know that you aren't in the same place and that you far from want to hurt him but it's unfair to drag him along in which it is.He probably feels just as terrible as you do right now but you cannot throw that long a friendship away just because of that you need to do what is right set him straight so he can feel he can move on finally knowing the truth.He is still your friend at the end of the day that shouldn't change but you've already made the change you've probably made him feel ten times worse than he does already by avoiding him.... He is the same guy you knew years ago and i'm sure it'll be the same again for you to talk with him about stuff you've got to let that happen though.Don't let a good friend go it's not worth it you'll regret it later in life.
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female
reader, TheMoonlightphoenix +, writes (28 January 2013):
well i can kinda relate i have a friend whos like a sister to me admitidly we've only known each other 4 years but still its like we were made to be friends shes openly a lesbian and i found out she likes me i just told her the truth i love her as a friend but nothing more and that i love *boy* (couldnt write his name) it took her a bit but she found someone else even though she still has a small amount of feelings for me. oh and shes never tried anything ethier. its ok to have a gay best friend i have 2 nither of them have tried anything. hope this helps and good luck dont ruin a good friendship over this.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 January 2013):
 Oh man, my heart really goes out to both of you. Him because the unbelievable pressure he must have felt that finally caused him to not be able to hold it in any longer, and you because it took you by surprise, and I'm sure you feel like you lost a best friend the moment he revealed his feelings to you.
Let me reassure you -- he's not going to jump you. Why would a guy with 20+ years of self-control suddenly do that? He's probably feeling much worse than you do right now, because he misses your friendship as well.
Your friendship has changed and will never be the same. However, with time, and a good long talk, you could have an even better friendship.
In a way, his telling you was its own goal. I mean, even if you don't return his feelings, his saying something to you was cathartic for him, and did him good simply to get it in the open. That way, if it's unrequited by you, he has the freedom to move on from this grip his feelings for you had him in.
If you have ever cared for him as a friend, you need to have a long talk with him about how what he has said has affected you. Tell him that he is like a brother to you, and you never wish to hurt him, but you are straight and can never return his feelings.
HE is probably also desperately hoping that his declaration hasn't ruined his friendship with you either, which is the reason why he waited to long to tell you. Tell him you're still interested in staying friends with him, but it can't be more. He'll have to decide if he can live with that.
Trust me, you'll do both of you some good by telling him how you feel. The friendship has taken a hit, but you'll go a long way in ending the awkward feeling that now exists, which is why you're now avoiding him.
Slowly but surely, you'll have your friendship again, especially since now that he's declared his feelings for you and has heard that you can't return the feelings, but still think of him as a friend, it'll free him from you and he'll find someone else.
Rest assured, he's not checking you out. He's not going to "jump" you. He's not going to pressure you or push you or accuse you of having secret feelings for him...not if you're gentle but clear about your sexual orientation.
Don't be afraid, and you'll be a great friend for telling him how you feel about this. Sorry this had to go down like this.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 January 2013):
 "Is it ok to feel a bit confused about this whole thing?"Yes!But it's not really a complicated situation. Imagine he was a girl, who has been your friend for years. And although you really enjoyed her company, you just don't see her as girlfriend material, and she's not your type anyway. Then she admits she's got a crush on you.. what do you do? Naturally, you'd be feeling awkward about such a situation as well. And, you'd feel that the dynamics of your friendship has changed, knowing that she wants more than friendship. The same with yoru male friend. He wants more, you don't. You just got to let him down, same as you would if he was a girl. Tell him that you take it as a compliment, and you really like him as a person and friend, but you're not interested in more than friendship with him. Perhaps, once he's gotten over you, you can be friends again. But until then it might be best to take some time apart so he can get over you. I've tried having male friends and they always ended up falling for me. It sucks, but I had to distance myself from them. Because you can't have a one sided friendship, the other part will always be wanting more. You can only be friends once there's no romantic feelings from either part." I can’t talk to him like I did before. I can’t relax in his presence."Because the dynamics of the friendship has changed, it is no longer a friendship. Or, the friendship part is one sided, the other part is a one sided romance. That's why things are weird now. Things would be weird if he was a girl saying she got a crush on you as well. Things change when friendships start to develop into something else, you just can't treat one another the same after such a change in the dynamics. However you can still be friends... once he's over you. And he will get over you, once he stops seeing you so often and meets someone else. Just tell him flat out how it is. That you take it as a compliment and that you will always be a friend of his, and you are glad he's finally coming out of the closet and daring to be himself. And that you want him to start being more open about his sexuality (how else will he meet other gay men?, but don't tell him this). That you support him... But that seeing as he wants more, and you don't, you think it is best for you and him to stay apart for a while. Until things cool down. Then maybe meet up after a while, once he's over you. In the meantime you should reduce contact, you can still text and call and greet each other when you see each other, but don't meet up to hang out.
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reader, maverick494 +, writes (28 January 2013):
Just because he's gay and admitted he's attracted to you doesn't mean he'll suddenly jump you. I mean, you've known him for 25 years; the man deserves more credit than that. Admitting something he knows can change the whole friendship dynamic takes a lot of guts to do. But he did it because you're his best friend and he wants you to know how he feels.
It's now up to you to man up and tell him how you feel. That's the only way you can get a good outcome. So tell him you appreciate him being so honest with you and that you have to be honest with him by telling him you're straight and don't feel anything other than friendship. Don't expect him to 'get it' by chickening out and dropping hints like misguided teenagers do. You want him to know something, you tell him. Before this you couldn't have imagined him being into you either, and having girlfriends doesn't seal your sexual preference: loads of gay men get married to women.
Look, he'll get over it, like we all get over unrequited love. It doesn't stay there forever. I doubt he'd admit this to you if he wasn't prepared for a negative answer. It's just a simple case of trying his luck. The sooner you tell him you don't feel the same, the sooner he can move on from that and you two can regain the familiarity in the friendship.
Also, why won't you be able to talk to him like you did before? He's still the same person.
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