A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:EXTREMELY LONG BUT PLEASE READ I NEED HELP IM SO CONFUSED !So I was literally dating my ex for less than a month he was my best friend of 3 years. I knew him like the palm of my hand and he knows everything about me. During our friendship he was dating this girl linnet (his ex before me) he was madly in love he talked about her all the time. I was in so much pain I’ve always had feelings for him but knew he only saw me as a friend. They dated for 2 years she graduated school a year before him we stayed close friends even while he dated her I always felt so confused with him because he would always call or text me we would always go out to eat he would come to my house he would take me anywhere I wanted. Every day that went by I fell for him harder and harder. I started messing around with this other guy just for fun but will (my ex, my best friend) got extremely jealous when I realized this I was super happy I would torture him with stories and tell him that I might consider dating them. he was hurt and I didn’t like it so I stopped eventually I never dated a guy while he was with his girlfriend I never kissed hold hands had sex anything with him while they were together. then school started and things got bad him and his girlfriend barely saw each other he would drop plans with her to be with me I felt so special and it made so I happy but deep down I knew he loved her (I saw this because he is the type of guy that shows his emotions through his face) long story short he broke up with her to date me. I told him no I said he couldn't drop her like that without explaining things to her he said that he stopped loving her a while ago that he was just scared to let go. I finally get what I want but I know he is not happy deep down 2 months went by and he still had not talked to her he had made it his mission to get me to say yes to be his girlfriend. and they day came May 24 I finally said yes. too be honest I was happy I had never been happier and in his face he was happy too I already knew him he was best friend my mom loved him my dad accepted him my aunt my grandma grandpa cousins EVERYONE LOVED HIM my friends were happy that I finally said yes to him. No one was shocked we were dating. I’ve never been so comfortable with a guy like I am with him he is perfect were perfect together. Not one fight happened between us everything was love dovey until his graduation party. That day we had our first argument it was about how I’m so self conscious. That was it... okay now to the really bad part he saw his ex the girl he dated for 2 years and something months dancing with a friend of his she literally looked him in the eye smiled and kept dancing. When I looked at will I knew he still loved her I knew he loved me but that what he had with her was something very strong. Two days later we had UNPROTECTED sex. that same day he broke up with me... he feels like an asshole he is mad that he went too far with me he wants to fix things with his ex ( well he did and there happy happy happpy ! ) I cursed cry so much I wouldn’t answer his calls or see him he was heartbroken my friends all hate him but I don’t I’m happy he is with his ex I’m happy he is happy but I’m still confused I completely cut him out of my life and he was mad at me for that when we were dating I made him promise that if we break up we won’t ruin a friendship. he means the world to me and i dont want him out but now I regret saying it because he won’t let me escape he told his best friend he wants me back that he wants me in his life that he wants to talk to me every night spend time with my life before but I can’t because I really do love him. I told him I was not going to leave him alone. That I would still be his best friend but only when he needs me. I’m in so much pain ! My family asks about him all the time he texts me calls me all the time I enjoy every second of it but when I realize it’s becoming too much I ask him if he needs something if he says no I hang up. I miss him so much and at the same time I want him to be happy with his girlfriend I’m in a big mess I really don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve actually considered just erasing him from life but he says he won’t let me and I’m not one to break a promise. People say they give him a year till we date again but what if we don’t? He is getting his own place soon and he wants me to move in with him. I told him no he says it will be fine. that he is a faithful guy sad thing is I know he is and that is what hurts me I know he won’t touch me while having a girlfriend but I don’t know if I have enough self control what should I do. Should I tell him to his girl again come back to me? his befriend also confessed to me that he told him that he wishes so bad he could have us both in his life both as his girlfriend NO WAY IN HELL I WOULD DO THAT but that also shows that he wants me as his girlfriend ! Please help me I’m going crazyshould i just give up?
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best friend, broke up, cousin, heartbroken, his ex, jealous, my ex, text, unprotected sex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2010): from - the one who posted the question : D thank you. all 3 of you guys are absolutely right , im not keeping a stupid promise i dropped him he is out of my life he is pissed at me and thinks im wrong for breaking a promise but i told him he has broken all the ones he made too me . point is he out and im actually happy . i was stupid i got used and now i learned . Thank you for being honest on your replies i appreciate it .
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2010): By the way, it's ridiculous for you to hold yourself to a promise of always being his friend. He broke that promise himself when he chose to break your heart, chose to break up with you the day you have unprotected sex and then put on an Oscar winning performance of being emotionally distraught over all of this. This guy is good....at manipulation.
Your family doesn't know the real him, he's a charmer, with little conscience. He has no real empathy for you, only for what he gets from you....attention, ego strokes, he's completely self centered and you are being pulled like a puppet on a string.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2010): I am sorry that you are in emotional pain and that you are very confused over this, but here is the thing, this guy is purposely messing with your head, and now he is jerking your heart around. He is selfish, immature, doesn't know what he wants, wants his cake and eat it too, the main thing he cares about is HIS happiness. He is extremely selfish.
You on the other hand seem really stupid and naive, at least where it comes to men. This guy loves getting attention from you both and you are there to massage his ego anytime he needs something. In short this is an extremely one sided relationship and you aren't getting anything but grief. So what if he asked you to be his girlfriend, he got sex from you, got bored and like a Terrier breed of dog, went to what he saw in front of his face, the ex girlfriend. You can't possibly think that he loves you, you can't possibly believe that this guy is capable of sustaining a long term mutually satisfying relationship with anyone.
He isn't much of a friend either. This is more like dependency and idolization on your part for a man who doesn't give you much except asking from your emotional reserves to give give give to him. He's a bottomless pit and the only place your going is right into the well after him if you don't cut this out.
This is not a healthy relationship, period. He isn't your friend, he isn't your boyfriend, he's using you to support an apartment he can't afford and to be his fallback girl when the other girl get's sick of him again and dumps him. You living with him will be as handy as a shirt pocket. Don't even think about staying in his life, it sucks, it's full of drama.
Learn how to date drama free....he isn't worth it and your pain is no measure of his worth, it is your clue that this is damaging to you and you need to put your focus squarely on you and building your own life and your own self worth because I think being in this sort of unrequited, immature, push and pull relationship with him for three years has made you a little nuts. Don't you agree?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 June 2010):
 Yes. Yes, if you mean by "just give up" stop considering getting back together with him or even staying in contact with him for now.Remove all the confusing feelings for now, look plainly at the facts and actions. He's dating another girl. He broke up with you. He made a choice, and it isn't you.Basically, he has to live with his choices, just as you do. You've put your life on hold long enough pining for this guy. You even said you were happy dating another guy, very happy. But then you stopped.End the drama. Tell him that of course you will be friends with him. In time. IN TIME. You ARE friends with him, you're just not the kind of friend who is in daily contact or lives with him. You think of him fondly everyday but you have decided that for your own mental health, you are cutting contact for 9 months. You might send him a Christmas and Happy New Years text, but THAT'S IT.Make that decision and stick to it. See, you haven't broken the promise to always be friends with him. You're just healing yourself for now. Take back the control for yourself.Then get busy, see people, date if you can. And NO CONTACT. You are entitled to that courtesy from him. Don't let him determine what is best for you. YOU DECIDE. Stay strong.
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