A
female
age
41-50,
*tarrrrr
writes:What shall I do? To cut a long story short, my best friend has recently confessed to me that she knows my husband cheated on me with his ex, for over a year. I believe this happend prior to our marraige 7 years ago. I am insecure and look at his phone - silly I know! I have always seen messages I wished I hadn't but always kept it to myself. He says he has never given me reason to doubt him, but he has but doesn't know what I know. He is very sly and secretive and is very good at turning things around to me so I get all confused and that just annoys him. I want us to put the past behind us and start again, but to do this, I feel I need to tell him what I know and to be honest about the times I have looked at his phone. I want him to know why I am as insecure as I am. I have mixed opinions from the close friends I have confided in so don't know if this is for the best or not? My worry is that he will end it with me because he has always said if there isn't any trust, we are over. I always thought he was seeing is ex, but could never proove it, so a part of me has already dealt with it and I don't want to end it because of what happend. I just want him to admit it and understand why I am like I am.I hate that I look in his phone and doubt him and want to live a normal happy life with him. We have a one year old child together, and he recently said he doesn't want our child to grow up thinking it normal to be like me - that hurt!I guess the main thing is that I want him to know that I'm not completely mad and do have reasons for being insecure. It annoys me that he turns it on to me all the time when deep down I know how sly he is.Please help if anyone has any advice for me - thank you.
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best friend, cheated on me, his ex, insecure Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2008): Dear Poster
Thanks for the update.
You are welcome anytime; glad I could be of assistance.
Oh, just one more thing; for the time being, try to FOCUS on his good qualities; that will help keeping the negative thoughts away.
Please do go for counseling and ask for Emotional Stress Release for Past Trauma.It is very effective.
So happy you are feeling better; keep up the good spirit.
Wishing you a lovely evening and lots of happiness with lots of SMILES.
Keep me posted.
God bless!
A
female
reader, starrrrr +, writes (11 October 2008):
starrrrr is verified as being by the original poster of the question First of all, thank you for your time in replying!
Reading your reply actually put a smile on my face. I'm so glad I haven't blurted everything out to him.
You are 100% right - I am scared of getting hurt again.
I did have counselling once before and I came away with a new outlook of my life and for a while, everything seemed better. That was many years ago, but I do feel I would benefit from some more, so I will take your advice and book in some more.
I've just read back on what I have said, and looking at it again, I realise I do in fact have a lot of issues that need putting to bed. I know I need to leave the past behind me and look forward, but to do that, I need some help for sure.
My husband is due home soon, so I will put on my smiley face, give him a hug and do my best to see the positive things I have in my life.
I didn't mention before, but he is a wonderful dad and has said on many occasions that he isn't going anywhere. So why am I like this?? Hopefully, with some help and guidance, I will find these answers.
Thank you so much for your advice. I honestly do feel much better for getting this off my chest and receiving your replies. THANK YOU! :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2008): Dear Poster
Thanks for the update.
I have empathy with you and am so sorry that you had to endure so much hurt in your life; I will not judge you; I am here to try and help you and assist you; I can understand that the abortion was the best choice for you at that time; I can also understand that it was very traumatic and emotional.
Okay, please bear with me; I don't think it is the right time to confront your husband yet; you are scared of his reaction (and due to his past comments) obviously with reason. I think there are a few things you have to consider before doing that.
You are suffering from INSECURITIES, due to FEAR; fear of getting hurt, fear of LOSING, in this instance your husband; I can understand that you are feeling that way because with all the hurt that you have suffered in the past; it created these insecurities; I would expect your husband should be MORE UNDERSTANDING and SENSITIVE towards your need of assurance and security; HOWEVER, I suggest you start working on YOURSELF;
NOW immediately; you have to BE MORE POSITIVE about yourself and more CONFIDENT; once we have achieved that and you still feel uncomfortable about him and his behavior; okay then I suggest you TALK to him; BUT then you will be in a STRONGER POSITION and won't be scared of him walking out; you will be more positive and confident about yourself and will be able to discuss this matter and all the issues that is troubling you, with him with a complete new and different attitude; he now knows that you are scared that he will leave you; YOU ARE PLAYING INTO HIS TRAP; he is using this "TRUST" issue against you; meanwhile from what I have read he has given you more then enough reason to be suspicious.
However; use a different approach; this will confuse him as he knows you and is playing with your emotions; HE IS TAKING ADVANTAGE of your fear;
I SUGGEST: You make an appointment to see a counselor. You go for a few sessions and get help to overcome your issues; I strongly recommend you find somebody that is familiar with the techniques of Emotional Stress Release for Past Trauma (E.S.R. for Past Trauma) it is very effective and I do believe you will greatly benefit from that within 2 or 3 sessions.
THEN, when you are in a less VUNERABLE frame of mind; you will be less insecure and HE WILL SENSE THE CHANGE in you; he will probably get worried and might start wondering if he has pushed you to far; HE NEEDS TO START WORRYING if he is going to lose you; turn the tables slightly;
THEN have a talk; I suggest that at that stage it might be a good idea to ask him to attend a few sessions of counseling with you. In the meantime whilst you are getting yourself on track to be the smiling, bubbly you again; keep your eyes open and be on alert for any strange behavior etc from him; but don't spy; let it be; you want to improve yourself; you want to live WITHOUT these fears and insecurities and that is the starting point;
You are now suffering from low self esteem and if you are not going to get help soon you will be suffering with depression and he will ultimately take advantage of the situation IF HE IS NOT ALREADY DOING SO; and if he is fooling around he will put the blame on you, saying you “became a nagging wife; you were depressed, no more fun to be with” etc; nope.....don't give him that as a reason.
Start working on the "new" you today. SELF CONFIDENCE and start loving yourself again; start smiling; force yourself to laugh and think about all the good things, your kids etc; be grateful for being healthy and alive; start SMILING again. Pay attention to him; ask him about work and flirt and joke with him; I bet he will get so confused and so rattled ;( yeah and he might start giving you more love and attention in return)
I DO URGE you not to try on your own BUT do go for counseling; let a professional help you to get rid of those deep rooted emotions; because that is more then likely the main reason for your insecurities and fear of been abundant.
My thoughts and prayers are with you; keep me posted and remember we are here for you.
Lots of hugs and always keep SMILING.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2008): Herewith an update as received from the Poster; placed on the site with her permission;Hey.
Yes, of course. Pls feel fre to copy the lot.
I think I saw that "reply to question" button, just too late!
Many thanks.
Hey.
Thank you for your reply. I'm not too sure on how to reply so everyone can see, so sorry for coming straight back to your PM box.
I'm glad I didn't say anything last night. It's all I think about, but don't actually have the courage to say anything yet. The reason for this is that I'm scared he will walk away.
The text messages have been there from the start, so in a way, I guess I have myself to blame for sticking around.
Messages have varied from such things as:- (different people, not always the same girl)
"does J (me) think I am just some girl who's hair you cut everyday? Does she not know how close we are? I guess not!"
"Give us a snog gorgeous" - this I confronted him about and it was an older lady he worked with who was "having a laugh" - I let it go.
Recently - Hiding a girls name under a mans name, but I read a text and was clearly a girl, confirmed by the fact she wrote her name at the end of it! Innicent text however.
Caught him on adult friend finder with an account looking for girls - Again, confronted and it was turned around on me that we had had a row. He suscribed for a year!
Currenlty on sex sites, although he doesn't know I know this. Not meaning to be rude, but porn doesn't bother me at all, and he knows this.
Our sex life isn't great anymore if I'm honest. I believe this a lot to do with me. I'm scared of rejection and feel silly coming on to him. I guess this has to do with my own insecurities.
He is self employed and does often come in late. He says he's not late if he doesn't have an appt!
Completely changed his dress wear, which he says is for work. Super smart in shirt and tie, always smells good, looks good. This is a new thing of the last 6 months.
If I'm honest, I don't know if I really think he is cheating on me now, but I do know he is hiding stuff (like the girls name for eg) and to me, why do that unless you have something to hide?
He is a very clever, sly person. What hurts me is the fact that I know this stuff but he always rams down my throat that he never gives me reason to doubt him. His friends have told me in the past that he has never been faithfull. To others however, he comes accross as teh nicest, most caring, funny man alive, but of course, being his wife, I se the other sides.
I wish I could arase my momory really.
Background on me, mother walked out on us and we had 12 yrs of no contact. Previous partner prior to marraige bullied me, lied to me, hit me and unfortunately, assulted me, rsulting in an unwanted pregnancy. Please don't judge me on this, I don't agreee with terminations as a form of contraception, but under the circumstance, I felt it the best thing to do. My husband know's everything.
I used to be such a happy go lucky girl and was always referred to as a "little smile on legs". These days, I feel I just exist, cook, clean, say nothing for any easy life and constantly feel frustrated. I also feel silly for accepting the rubbish that comes out of his mouth when deep down, I don't believe him.
I do love my husband very very much and don't want us to finish. I just want him to be honest so we can start agian. I don't want to think the worse all the time and I do want to trust him. We don't really argue, just don't speak much. I am morals and am genrally an honest person, which is why I feel I have this need to come clean. Not however, if it means him waling away. I think he will say "well if there's no trust, there's no relationship". (that's what he has said to me in the past)
Ever so sorry I'm taking so much of your time. I do appreciate it.
I never thought I'd join one of these site, but I feel better already, so thank you. :)
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A
female
reader, Serenity1  +, writes (10 October 2008):
 The final answer is really up to you, but my advice is for 1 your friend needs to keep her mouth closed, and mind her own business (leave well enough alone). For 2 if she was really your friend and was out for your best interest why is she waiting until now to tell you, instead of telling you when she first found out. Oh...I bet her excuse to that was "she didn't want to hurt your feelings" thats the famous hater line where I come from.
For 3 if you are still in love with him you have to ask yourself if he admitted to you that he was cheating with his ex are you going to leave him? Because if you just want to know and you're not going to change anything, what's the point.
If anything you could use a different approach and make love to him and tell him afterwards that you hope he never cheats on you because you don't want to share the good loving that you two share, or tell him thats why you act insecure at times because you don't want to lose what you have.
You know him better than anyone so you know what he will be more responsive to. Hope this helps
TF
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2008): Dear Poster
Thanks for your mail; I will try to give you advice to the best of my knowledge.
Firstly I want to remind you to try and stay CALM; don't overreact at this stage; take a few deep breaths and remind yourself that HE is WITH YOU;
Secondly, no matter how good the intentions of friends might be, always be cautious; it is your life, your marriage and who knows what there agendas or intentions; so be very careful not to get emotionally worked up by what you hear from good friends.
Yeah, I know all the above is easier said then done, but vow, try.....inhale ..hold your breath a few minutes and then exhale....This might sound stupid but it does help to calm down;
NOW let us look at the facts and reality:
You are referring to text messages on his phone; but was the contents about? Was it just hi are you?" was it more intimate?
Why did your good friend tell you about his infidelity? What gave reason to it? Were you discussing your marriage or was it just sudden out of the blue? How does the friend know about it?
Other then for the text messages and your friend telling you; is there any other signs that makes you feel insecure? Such as: Is he often working late? Is he away from home on business regularly? Has his sexual needs or the general intimacy between you changed?
What worries me is that he is trying to turn your suspicions against you; (A typical sign of a cheater: "you are confused and you need to see a shrink") instead of putting them at rest with love.
Don't confront him at this stage; NO, if he is sly and is doing things behind your back and is turning things as if you are at fault because you don't TRUST him; no, you have to be a little more clever and wise here;
Hang on, be patient. Let me have the info on the above and let us work out a strategy of how you should approach this;
but do not confess reading the messages or anything like that now; he will use that as an excuse against you;
PLEASE stay CALM; that is of the utmost importance; don't let him know you are onto him; just try and be yourself; REMEMBER the breathing exercises when it gets difficult;If need be; go to the toilet and do them;
Listen to me carefully, you are not WRONG and you have reason to doubt his fidelity BUT be wise and don't ruin it until you have more proof; send me the answers to the above and then we can discuss what I think your next step should be; but don't confess about the message or plead guilty for feeling insecure; you have reason; but be wise; be ccatious and play it safe.
Lots of hugs and try to keep SMILING, even if it is difficult; give your little one lots of attention and extra love and kisses.
Looking forward to hear from you.
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