A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:About a year ago I asked a question regarding dating my best friend after my divorce . To give people a general background I’m divorced I’ve been friends over 13 years with an American man we started as pen pals. We have been there for each other through so much breakups etc and he’s the first person I call when I have news, Im from Ireland and after I divorced he expressed he had feelings for me after he begged me to visit and take time out , I spent two weeks with him chilling it was this trip where he flirted with me for the first time ever. He was also affectionate loving a side I never saw before. The night he expressed what he felt well we ended up having incredible sex. But that was the only time we did. He would flirt about having babies and being his wife. We just connected at a different level but last minute I stopped. He asked me to be his girlfriend but I declined.Since then I ended up not going ahead with dating. I just felt my divorce was too raw and it wasn’t the right time. I have spent the past year reconnecting with myself while also holding a very solid friendship with him. To get an idea of our friendship, we try to fly over once a month in turns. We would sleep in the same bed as friends. We would go for dinner travel drink just do so much fun things together . A turning point in our friendship was last Christmas . He begged me to spend Christmas with him and his folks. Christmas night after a lot of wine he got very close to me in bed almost chest to chest, he wrapped his arms around me and told me “I’m not going to lie , but sleeping in the same bed with a woman I’m crazy about has been the hardest thing I’ve every had to do, the tension I go through each time is fierce, all I want to do is get intimate and connect with you on a whole new level but I’ll wait even if it means waiting till I’m old and grey I’ll wait when you are ready to date again I’m going to show you what I mean. After that conversation I felt tension too instead we kissed for a good 20 minutes because it just wouldn’t be right to be intimate. Usually when we were drunk together we would kiss maybe it was strange but he always would swoop in for a kiss and I adored kissing him it was just our way of showing our love as friends.March was the turn in our friendship, he started dating another girl as at the time I wasn’t making any effort for us to try and date. He explained this to me and told me it’s just kind of happened. So he moved on . We still did our visits he still wanted me to sleep in his bed but I declined. We didn’t kiss either . However it wasn’t until 2 weeks ago we have had our first real argument. We went to dinner with the girl he was dating we have met before and we got on fine. There was a lot of alcohol involved all was going great until she asked me infront of him if I was dating anyone . He’s been with her about 6 months so I had decided I better move on too. I told her I was dating a guy for the first time since my divorce and when I told her I was seeing someone my best friend just flipped out, he started getting frustrated with his fork , scratching his forehead and then aggressively said so your dating now? How come you never said? Why did you keep it such a secret? Before I could answer he then said , Was I not good enough ? I replied saying I thought we were friends and he slammed the table and said “you know we were a lot more than friends you know exactly what happened since your divorce between us , we were inseparable but you wouldn’t let me in you wouldn’t let me show you how I felt for 13 years and here we go again a new man I can’t sit hear and listen to this “. The fight quickly escalated to an argument between him and his girlfriend . I ended up leaving and getting back to his parents place About 2 hours later he came home and knocked on my room door . He then apologized for getting angry , the conversation went on he said he’s just shocked I’m dating and disappointed we didn’t try I could tell he was upset as his eyes were all tears . We shared a soft kiss our first kiss in 6 months and my whole body trembled. He tried to slowly push me to the bed but I told him we can’t , as he layed on top of me he told me when he has sex with his gf he can only see me, he tried to lean in for a kiss again but I said once more that we can’t, he got a little frustrated apologised and left the room. The next day at the airport he hugged me and said I’m not going to say I’m happy for you and this guy but I will say I am happy you are moving on with your life. Since then I’ve called it off with the guy I’ve been dating and his girlfriend dumped him. He says he can’t speak to me on the phone that for now he’s only up for texting . I admit I didn’t make a move on him because I genuinely didn’t feel ready for a relationship with anyone until a month ago but he genuinely feels I played him but I couldn’t make a move as he was with someone . Through text I explained this and he says he’s hurt I didn’t tell him ready . And went on to tell me that he’s not feeling very good . I don’t actually know what to do now because I feel he has lost feelings for me now and probably does not trust me . Can someone please please please help me . What do I do to prove to him I truly feel for him I just wasn’t ready then but I am now :(
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (10 August 2019):
 Wow! Just wow!
Has either you or your "friend" even thought to apologize to the poor girl who got caught up in the middle of your messy relationship? Have either of you even spared a thought for how crap SHE must have felt when your "friend" kicked off? I get he was angry and disappointed but the kind, polite and civil thing to do would have been to have left discussion about your dating until you and your "friend" were alone. Without a second thought for this poor girl's feelings, he effectively made it known he was only using her as a stop gap until such time as you made yourself available to him. I know you think he is Mr Wonderful but, in my book, his treatment of this girl was inhumane. He humiliated her in the worst way possible. In my book that makes him a shitty human being.
I also have to wonder about the timing of your epiphany that you want to date a man you have been keeping in the "friend zone" all this time. Call my cynical but it does appear a little strange that you have suddenly realized you are ready when HE has a girlfriend. I am not surprised he does not trust you.
Sorry, no advice to give as I am still stunned at his treatment of the poor girl he was killing time with until you gave him the green light. Correction, I DO have some advice: open your eyes and see what you are yearning for. Does this sound like a nice human being to you? Really?
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 August 2019):
 I think you strung him along for quite a while here.
"Sleeping in the same bed as friends" what a crock! You KNEW he wanted to DATE you, you KNEW he wanted more. He even TOLD you and you didn't set boundaries whatsoever.
HE was/is only dating his GF to make YOU jealous and it backfired on him. and the poor GF, I BET she felt played.
YOU created a lot of drama and NOW you want to date him?
If he is smart he will cut you off cold turkey and move on.
Are you for real, OP?
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