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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: hi,i need help with my relationship i have a lovely boyfriend i have been with him for around a month (according to him) he counts for us both. before i was going out with him we were very good friends i have always been there for him as a close friend. i am very reluctant to get into relationships on the account that in the past i have been hurt so much , that last year i sank into a deep depression. something also happened to me when i was younger that affected how much i am able to trust people it still does today because of this i never usally let people grow close to me. my boyfriend knows all of this because i have told him, he is the first person i have ever told i ended up crying... i never cry or have cryed in front of anyone before. last year my boyfriend before he started dating me was in 'love' with my best friend , at the time i was best friends with both of them both my bf and my best friend to the point where i regarded my bestfriend as a non blood related sister, somone who i should have grown up with but didn't. my bf spent 9 months trying to get my best friend to reciprocate his love, he felt that she was the only one for him because she was his first. my bestfriend has had many boyfriends herself and always will have because she does not commit very well, and can be quite immature in the sense that she plays around with men who like her. leading them on then dropping them whenever she felt like it, making them feel like they had a chance. she did this with my bf (at the time he wasnt my bf) they had a very on and off relationship and she cheated on many of her own boyfriends with him. but also my bf had always had feelings for me, we would try and see eachother but somehow my bestfriend would find out , get really werid with me and ring him whenever i was in his company. so i gave up on that idea but he sustainably flirted with me despite whatever they were getting up to. i marginalized his affections for me because i didnt want to get involved. she told me everything they ever did i am fully knowledgeable about their past. however this year just before christmas i met with my bf (wasn't my bf at the time) at a disco while she was there we danced had a laugh and flirted lots. but again he would always try to win her over she rejected him bluntly saying she wants a relationship with somebody else and that she wants to commit to him as she believes she may be in love with him. the night after we spoke on msn i asked how he was he said he is devastated but appreciated my concern. a couple of days later he spoke to me on msn again but this time he said to me that now he is single he wants to see me alot more, that even when he was with my bestfriend in the past he never did stop thinking about me and missed me so very much, that he felt trapped because of her and could never tell me how he felt about me but now he feels the barriers are falling down and there is nothing left to prevent him from telling it to me. he started to spend more time with me, told me he loved me , he always had loved me and that he feels overwealmed with happiness by the thought of being with me. at this point i thought he did not mean it but it got to the point where he reassured me that he would hurt me , would protect and love me as long as i wanted him to. that he always thinks about me and misses me the moment we are not together even if it is for a second. we got together , 3 weeks on we were both so happy i couldn't believe how amazing i felt like i was floating he told me that is exactly how he feels about me and loves me so much he cannot express it to me. 3 weeks on new year's eve i had a party my bestfriend stopped over as well as a few of my other friends , my bf came over for a while on and off any moment to spend with me he would. if we hugged, kissed or displayed anyform of affection infront of my bestfriend she would become insane with jealously. i thought she might so before hand i spoke with my bf and asked if her presence would be a problem(i thought he might still have feelings for her) he said no why would it that he didn't care whether she was there or not. so new years night about 1 am my bf was about to leave because he needed to get back to his my 'bestfriend' went all funny as she had been all evening i asked my bf if he knew what was wrong with her he said he had no idea but was going to talk to her about it.they were outside the front of my house for 20 minutes talking, she came back in crying her eyes out soon as my bf text me saying he was so sorry for spending so much time with her and loved me. ever since my 'friend' has been narky, strange, and blunt with me she does not look at me or barely communicates with me. a few days ago i realise only because she told me that they went for a walk late at night talking. he was with her instead of me, he never told me about seeing her. i found out because she told me. and then she asked me if it would be ok to go round his by herself without me there. i cant help but feel massively insecure right now , he reassures me that he is serious about me he talks about living with me having children and where we will be in a few years time, that he wants me to move up to his uni just so we can be together. whatever we do my 'friend' has to be some part of it. it annoys me so much because i cant share my happiness with her i think if she cared about me why cant she let me and my bf be happy when she even has her own bf its not fair on me i do not know what to do please help me. i feel so insecure and worried that hes going to leave me or i am going to be hurt more than i was last time. i am not sure if i want to be in a relationship with someone where i feel like i have already been dumped, because i am jealous and insecure about what my 'friend' is doing i do not know whether i should talk to him about it or dump him or whatever please give me so advice i feel so confused and hurt. my friend then asks if i trust her she has never really given me a reason to trust her i trust my bf just not her but dont want to feel hurt anymore. i feel betrayed i do not know why or if it is normal to feel this way if i am just being paranoid for feeling like this. what do you think?what should i do about this whole situation?
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best friend, christmas, flirt, his ex, immature, insecure, jealous, msn, text, trapped Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2008): At the end of the day, you made the wrong choice here and as a consequence youre suffering today for hurting your (you think best friend) which ain't true. But the question is, youre the one who isn't a true best friend yourself. It's just friendship policy, you don't date your friends ex partners, not nice. Naturally any genuine mature person would understand that by dating your bestfriends ex would make them feel uncomfortable, and possibly hurt at least in the long run. I mean who wants to see there ex being close to their best friend. It's an insult. Dosn't matter if your friend treated guys like s___, thats between her and the guys she dates, which shoudn't bother you cause she's not stabbing you in the back anyway. So as a result, you now should make the decision of weather you want to have your bestfriend or your boyfriend in your life. My advice is, look within yourself, and be wise. Maybe you should apologise to your bestfriend, and tell this guy to back off, cause its causing a lot of pain to you and your bestfriend. Guess what his loving the game too. The best of both worlds, what more could a guy want. However, the only bad cut to this is, whether youre bestfriend would stick by you now, after you hurt her so much, by stepping in her territory..Only you know what kind of person she is..
A
female
reader, CaliGurl  +, writes (5 January 2008):
Wow what a situation. But I don't think you should have begun dating the guy because of the fact that he dated your good friend, regardless of how bad of a relationship they had. Your friend is always going to be apart of the picture if you are as good of friends as you say. So consider if you do stay with the guy and have children and all that, where does she fit into the picture? You will probably always feel this insecurity about the two of them since they dated, so is it worth it? The relationship is still fairly new so you should make a decision about who means more to you in the long run before your in too deep.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2008): you are at the age in which insecurity is your worst enemy, don't blow things out of proportion, they talked,how do you not know he was just telling her that he loved you now and she
didn;t handle it very well, we all want what we can't have and now she can't have, she wants. Maybe your bf saw that you are
a better choice for someone to be with because you will be there for him to love and be loved by and all other women are now off his mind, your friend is insecure, she will grow up eventually. It is going to be hard to balance this in the short term because i feel you don't want the confrontation from either your friend or bf, but it will calm down when she sees it isn't going to happen, just love your bf and trust him
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