A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi.My girlfriend split up with me 6 months ago. She wants us to be friends now, but I've struggled to deal with that in the past and on every occasion until now I have cut contact with her. But she's back again. Last time I tried to talk to her, I told her that I still had a lot of feelings for her, and I asked what the chances of us having something in the future. She told me that it's possible, but very unlikely.When we last spoke, she was talking about how much she is craving sex, and so am I. We haven't had Sex with anybody since each-other and that was about 10 months ago!I want to be her friend, but I also still wish to be more than that. She's told me a relationship even in the future is unlikely, but I don't want to run away again. I want to be able to talk to her AND move on as well. Is that possible? How can I do that? I still want to be with her. Help!
View related questions:
move on, my ex, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnon, you didn't waffle on at all. In fact, that was great advice. Thank you!As for boymgirl, I liked your answer, but I fear that it may be offering me false hope. I don't know what everyone else's opinion is on his advice? In any case I thought you gave some good advice. False hope or not, I do like the idea that somewhere down the line me and her will have something again. After all, she fell in love with me originally just by talking to me, and our recent conversations (granted they aren't daily) are just like how they were when we were dating, only without saying "i love you" and stuff. That said, I am going to keep all my options as open as possible. After all, Valentines day is coming, and I intend to go out that evening... Even though the thought has come to mind that I should send her a card saying something like "We maybe aren't together now, but you'll always be very special to me. -Your friend forever" but then, that isn't exactly the sort of thing a "friend" would say is it.Any opinions on this, or more advice? please?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2008): I suggest you continue to be friends. It will be dificult, I'm sure, but the breakup wasn't about you personally, and maybe she just found it stressing her out having you 200 miles away when she could have used your company. Maybe, she broke it up so she could be less stressed and pur all her attention into school. Just maybe, she might be thinking that after she graduates, you both can start again.Talking about this with her is not advised though, it may cause more stress to the point that she will reconsider the friendship.She is going to school to improve herself and her future. What are you currently doing, and can you find something to do that will benefit you in the future, and maybe her or someone else?Your both very young, and if you have the opportunity to get higher education, this is the time, for once your married and have children, and even just working full time, there will not be the time for it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008): It seems like you are still nurturing some hopes for a future with her. If you are unable to make a complete break from her at this time you could consider at least taking some space and as you suggest, contacting her less, keeping your options open and getting out and about keeping yourself busy meeting new people and doing different and interesting stuff that distracts and occupies your mind and hopefully you will meet other people when you least expect it. I tend to think that if we are meant to be with someone then we will do and if not then we won't. She ended the relationship because she is prioritising her univ course and she has said that it is unlikely that a commitment is on the cards with her. She sounds a bit like my own daughter who has said that she wants to keep her relationships casual with no commitments whilst the enjoys her years at univ (she is 1st yr student) and I can understand this because getting tied down to one person when you are unsure can have serious repercussions later on. Just accept that she is not ready for a relationship right now and if you can handle the 'just friends' things then by all means give it a try but I would say for what it is worth, to keep in your mind all the other possibilities that life offers. I miss my ex boyfriend terribly as we recently broke up but I can see that in time there could be other possibilities for me. Good luck whichever way you decide to go but don't forget you only have one life and it is for living so enjoy it and do what you need to do to make your own life rich without using her as your point of reference. She has distanced herself and claimed back her independence so you must do the same!! I hope this makes some sense sorry if it is a bit of a long waffle. Best of luck x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGood advice from everyone. Thank-you.
I would just like to explain, that she wasn't suggesting the two of us have Sex. It was just something that we spoke about. We were talking about relationships (short term) we have been in, and she was saying how now she isn't sure she wants to be in a relationship, but rather, just wants sex. She wasn't talking about Sex with me.
Also to explain why we broke up; I forgot to mention our relationship was long distance. We lived over 200 miles from each other, but met up on 15 different occasions, and each time, we spent about a week or 2 together. We did this for 2 years. We broke up because she said she didn't want our distance relationship to continue while she was at university.
So, here's what I think, and please tell me what you think of what I think... if that makes sense:
I don't think she is the sort of person to play mind games. I think she genuinely wants to be friends, but I guess until I truly get over her, I will always think about: "Maybe someday...". In the mean time, I'm sorry to those who suggested it, but I think I'm going to try and continue talking to her. However, it will be less often, and I will keep all my options open. I'll go out and meet other people. After all, me and her are just friends now. I just hope that if me and her aren't going to have anything in the future together, I can do the right thing: Move on, and find a wonderful girl. There has to be somebody better suited for me than her, right?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008): Whilst you still have strong feelings for her, I would strongly advise you to cut contact. You are just delaying a process.I am great friends now with a guy I went out with years ago but it took a long time and we had to cut contact at the time else we're probably still be going out on and off.Today is the first day for the rest of your life!Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008): Try distracting yourself from her. How about taking up a new activity? Going out on a few dates? Focus on what is good about yourself and what you have to offer other people who deserve your attentions and affections. I'm in a similar position with my ex boyfriend so just suggesting a few things that are helping me through what is a tough time. Just food for thought really. You will feel better in the long run if you don't allow yourself to be used.
...............................
A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (10 February 2008):
I think it would be very hard to be friends with your ex gf while you still have feelings and hope for the future with her. And I think you know that. Honestly I dont think its possible to have a good and happy friendship with her at this point. Maybe later in life yes, but def not right now.
The fact that shes saying things like she wants sex and probably nothing will happen with you two but there is a tiny chance sugests that shes trying to give you false hope and perhaps even playing games wiht you. Why did you two break up? Is it possible that she has some anger towards you still? Is there any reason you can think of as to why she would want to be so cruel to you?
I think its best to stay away from her. By being with her as a frined you will be constantly reminded of what you cant have which is what you want. And she may play even more games with you which will make it even more worst. I think you should stay away from her until you feel strong enough to be around her and not have those feelings anymore.
Hope you work it out :)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008): You definitely run the risk of getting hurt and getting your head played with if you make yourself available for this lady whenever she wants sex on the basis of a vague possible but unlikely future relationship. It sounds like you are too involved to be able to cope with no strings sex with her... If you can manage it, it probably wouldn't do you any harm to make yourself less available to her. If she really cares about you she will respect that fact that you don't want to be used for sex but would like something more meaningful and if she is a true friend and worthy person she will understand your position and treat you with respect. If you find that once she stops getting her own way ie sex on tap, a friend on tap when she needs it, that might indicate to you what the position is here. Painful though it is, sometimes we have to put people to the test. What is meant to be will be. There are loads of females out there who would love to meet a caring, loving, respectful, loyal male partner. Nobody's world should ever revolve around one person, particularly on a maybe. Keep your options open. I'm an older female who has been in a similar position some years ago so I think I know how you might feel. Best of luck. x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008): If she had stated that a relationship is not going to happen in the future then what are you hanging around for? Sorry, but i think she is playing a bit of a spiteful game with your head. She craves sex etc, what is she doing to your head. If you dont want to be brain dead some way into the future then i would cut all communication with her now and meet someone else who you so rightly deserve.
take care
xx
...............................
|
