A
female
age
30-35,
*aliMoore
writes:I found out that my older brother and my best friend have been seeing each other! - i was so upset/angry/confused when i found out, i wasn't sure how to react and resulted in getting really emotional, i didn't want to be around my best friend and i certainly didn't want my brother talking/being around any of my female friends! what made it worse is that i see my brother as my best friend, when we was younger we never talked always argued and fought, but for the past 5 years we began talking and have come so close we're best friends, unlike many other sibling i know! and because we haven't been like it all our lives it made me appreciate it even more.With my best friend; she had a bad relationship with her boyfriend, he was always accusing her of cheating if he found out she went places without him e.g. cinema, town, bowling (and each time she was with me and the girls) so i knew she wasn't and of course being a best friend i stuck up for her if he ever asked! i supported her if she ever felt down/upset about anything as she had problems with her family and i helped her out as no one else did even her bf; i have never really had a best friend who i felt i could trust like that before and got on and had so much in common with so i also appreciated that relationship; being able to talk about guys, and school and everything.So when i found out they had been together it really shocked me and hurt me! i broke down and cried with shock! she said she was worried i wouldnt want to be her friend, but i said no and continued as usual.. the next day at school i didnt talk to her as i felt so angry and didnt tell anyone! the day after she pulled me aside at school and asked if i was okay, and she apologised for what she had done, and eventually asked.. "if your not happy/comfortable with me and your brother seeing each other, then i'll stop because i don't want to damage/ruin our friendship more than i already have, do you want me to stop" and i replied yes! .. she said she felt relieved she knew the answer and promised she'd no longer see him as our friendship meant so much more to her.2 weeks down the line i found out they were still together, they didnt stop calling/texting, and my brother was the only one who had seen me cry as i hadn't told ANYONE then only people that knew was me, my brother, my best friend and one of her friends.. so i kept it locked up and didnt talk about it with anyone at that point. I was so upset that they were continuing but acted like i didnt no.A few weeks later i recieved a phone call from my best friend saying "did you tell anyone about me and your brother; you did! didnt you?!" and i hadn't so thats what i replied! ... it turned out the friend of hers who she told, then told 2 of her friends who then passed it on and the whole school knew! and felt sorry for her ex-boyfriend assuming that she had cheated on him (which she had with my brother, but protecting him i didnt tell anyone else that!) people assumed i matchmaked them and was the one who caused her to cheat! i was so furious! When people asked i told them how i felt about her; and no longer had to pretend we was friends! i told them how i was extremely upset and angry about how they had got together in secret and continuted after asking me! treating me stupidly, by doing things like talking about girls/guys they liked to me, when they were really talking about each other! erghh it made me furious! after many weeks/months of being asked if i was the sister of this older guy she had cheated on her bf with everyone knew! - many disliked he for it as they also believed it was wrong, and wrong to keep it a secret as everyone knew how close i was to both of them, especially my brother.when i came home from school my brother would come downstairs extremely angry because "his love had been upset" from what people had said to her, which made me feel even more bitter towards both of them, she got a few comments thrown at her and i had the whole of my year asking questions about a subject that made me really upset and hard to talk about, as when im upset i prefer to keep it to myself and dont bother talking about it to others.i'll be honest sometimes i miss my best friend because i haven't had one since, i have lots of friends but no one who is that close as she was, like a sister.. but i dont think i could ever speak to her again, i find it hard enough to walk past her or be in the same room, when i hear her name anywhere, in films on tv? i just think of it and suddenly feel anger towards her and feel upset! it just makes me think of it all, like it puts me in a daze until i get knocked out of it! thinking of it all now and going through it has given me a headache i just feeling like hitting her and him!! they're still calling/texting and meeting up n secret even now and still doing the disrespectful thing of talking one another using different names; can they not see how much damage this has caused! i can't find anyone who even understands a slight bit..Please!! if anyone does, tell me your story and help me out i have no idea how to get over it, its been 8 months, i havent spoken to her, everytime he talks about her pretending to be about someone else or something similar i hate him all over againn, i just want to wipe if from my memory! im sick of getting so worked up about it! but i cant forgive them!! im 16 so is she and he is 23; but all me and her were 15 at the time.. you can kinda see how this makes me feel by how much i've just realised i've wrote! i just need help to understand how its made others feel in similar situations and what you've done and how its helped/made worse. anyone to talk about it with who understands...thanks in advance x
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2009): You should not be upset with this. You should be happy instead! What better choice for your brother to make for a girlfriend than someone who is your friend, someone that you get along with really well, and maybe someone you love as a friend. And you said you and your brother are really close. So don't you love your brother and best friend and want them to be happy? Why are you upset and angry with him and your friend seeing each other? You attitude should be that if they are happy, you are happy. Would you feel better if your brother's GF was a bitch, someone you didn't like or couldn't stand? Or someone who didn't like you? Why can't you be happy for them instead? They are both big parts of your life. Wouldn't you want to have a sister-in-law who is your best friend and that you like and love like family? Where do you get off thinking that you have some right to tell them what to do, or approve of their relationship? Who made you the boss of them???Are jealous of your brother or your friend, because each of them has ventured into an area of your life? That is ridiculous!! Besides, it really isn't any of your business what your brother or your friend decide what to do with their life. They have to do what is best for them. Where do you get off being so judgmental and not approving of their relationship? You have not walked a mile in either of their shoes. For one thing, your brother is older than you and has lived longer and knows more about what life than you know at this point. You don't really think you're smarter than he is and know more about what he wants than he does? I bet if he was trying to tell you how to run your life you would be all over him telling them to butt out and mind his own business, wouldn't you?My advice to you is to butt out of their lives, and instead be happy for them, and go and invest your time and energy in finding your own happiness, instead of being jealous or mad that someone else close to you is happy. Better yet, go see a therapist to deal with this, because they will tell you a lot of what I have just told you, and tell you that you are wrong to tell ANYONE else what they can do with their life.
A
female
reader, busy04  +, writes (24 July 2009):
 Well first of all the age difference is dangerous...does your brother not have common sense, she is pure jail bait.
Anyway...I know this has to be a very trying situation for you as she is/was your best friend-like a sister & he's your brother-so to you it feels like incest, in a way(get my point?). You may be feeling like your brother stole something from you and in a way he did...your best friend. A friend that you had outside of home, someone you could relate to differently, talk to differently, etc. And now you can't tell her certain private things, because she may end up telling your brother and so on. I know how you feel, my brother was with a friend of mine, so I understand. I was hurt & upset because the one thing I had outside of our family was in so many words taken from me. You know, you try to establish your life early, create this personal life & space outside of your immediate family and make friends with people own your own & it brings a lot conflict sometimes when family gets a little too involved in that establishment, that personal space. It's a hard pill to swallow, because you feel invaded & sort of robbed, after you've worked hard for that friendship. It's not that you don't want them to know your friends or be around them, you just feel that a certain line should drawn...you're friends are your friends & your family is your family.
And I don't think you're wrong in how you feel at all, but I do think you need to approach it a little differently, there is obviously nothing you can do about it, but being angry toward them won't help. So you should talk to your brother honestly one day, not with an attitude or with anger, but be calm & really tell him how you feel about this situation, ask him to not be with her, let him know that it was wrong to get you involved in their triangle & unfair to lie to you, let him know that it's not just because you don't want him to be happy, but because he could end up in prison for being with a minor. Really have a heart to heart with him, especially since you say that you're close with him. And make sure it's a time when she isn't around or can disturb him. And if you feel like you can: talk to her, let her know how much the friendship meant to you and how it feels now! Chances are they won't be together long anyway. If she cheated on her ex boyfriend with your brother, she can cheat on your brother. You can't always trust someone like that. And if your brother was foolish enough to help break up a relationship, he can break up his own.
Don't be angry, you're too young to live that way. I'm not saying that you have to accept them, but you just don't want to live life being bothered by something like this. I never accepted my brother & "ex" friend being together, but I had to get over it, not because of them. But because of myself, it hurts you more than it hurts them when you're angry & saddened. Find a way to be distracted, you're still young so go out & make NEW friends, live your life and start building it again!
Hope all goes well & I hope that something I said was of great help to you...keep me posted:)
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (24 July 2009):
too long... odds are it won't last too long, if it does you'll get to see her on holidays...
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