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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Okay. So. Please don't judge. Imagine yourself in these exact shoes. I am 23 at this moment in time. To give you a full understanding of my problem, I really need to tell you all of it. So here:I was never right or normal when I was little. I liked and admired father-figures in my life. I liked older men and found them endearing---this began as little as four years old. I'd liked little boys too, don't get me wrong. (I was always girly and flirty.) But I liked how wise and mature older men were. So, the older I got, naturally, I did not get impressed by young boys stupidity. I didn't think immature jerks were appealing. I didn't think any of it was "Cool". I didn't go for that. I was cute. Very tiny. I've stayed about the same all these years. About 90-98 lbs. 4' 10.5". Curvy. Very curvy. Big-hipped, big breasted. But still, I get mistaken for a child even now. Anyway. When I was 11-12, I met a boy. His name was Rafael. Rafael, Rafael, Rafael. I was the type girl that read fairytales, that wrote little fairy tales. That dreamed of being a princess. Instantly, naturally, I was "in love" with Rafael. Everything about him was perfect.First. You have to know Rafael. 4.0 student 6th-12th grade. Student body president. Fashionably dressed. Hard working. Smart. Mature in an immature way. Completely nerdy, yet the most popular kid in school. Everyone adores him. Teacher's favorite. Nice. Fair. Plays basketball. Very into movie-making. Good taste in music. Plays guitar, trumpet, drums. The perfect kid. I loved him. He was perfect. He was for me. I chased him about. We talked. We were awkward-friends. He had a little crush on me, too. Slowly, he forgot about me. Normal, average, childhood crush.7th grade:Rafael did not like me. So I go for another boy. One of Rafael's friends. A total jerk though. I lose my virginity (I'm only a child. Yes, I am a naive child) to this guy. To this monster. This jerk. It ends nine months later. I thought I was so grown up when I was little and thirteen! Hell! I still played with dolls. He yelled at me. He even hit me. We were both just little kids.Then, I was fourteen. And guess what! Rafael and I were great friends. And I loved him. Deeply. Madly. Childishly. I loved him. So one night we're at a friends, all of us are, and Rafael and I spend five hours in this kids room, alone. We kissed and talked and it didn't go as far as sex. But we just cuddled and we talked and he really got a kick out of me. He said some things he probably wishes he did not say. I was completely in heaven. Still--almost 10 years later--I have never been so happy with anyone.Later that week he just ignored me. He did apologize, sorta. He really broke my heart. But can't you understand? I was trash now. I had completely ruined myself the year before. He was the greatest, smartest kid in school. Highly respected. I was everything he wanted. But maybe, I just wasn't good enough.That summer, we started talking. He apologized! He completely and thoroughly told me how horribly he felt about doing such an awful thing to poor me. He promised to make it up to me. We agreed to do this summer movie project together.He invited me over to do it with him.We talked and had a great time. It ends in our sexual acts of lust. Yet, I'm in complete bliss. I was so horribly in love with him. I had a great time with him. We got on so well.Yet again, he never became mine. It didn't work out and this time he apologized. Again, I was heartbroken. I believed--maybe I BELIEVE--that he was only sexually attracted to me. Though I thought we got along together greatly. We agreed on everything and our conversations were so honest and great. (Remember, this is someone who is fair, a leader, and kind to everyone. This is someone who would never DREAM of hurting someone for the world.) Yet, I was let go gently, again. It broke my heart. I don't think I ever got over him.All through highschool I loved him. We talked a few times. Had a few run-ins. It wasn't like a normal dumping. There was always something different between us. We'd always exchange looks in the hallway. Like we had something secretly between us, when we didn't.He graduated as class valedictorian. I graduated with honors. We went off to college. We meet up. I'm 19--almost 20. We didn't really meet up. It was over summer and I was back at our hometown. A friend from highschool was having "a small get together" with seriously all of our senior class. He was there. We ended up sitting and talking for awhile. As if we were really "ridiculous kids" all those very few years ago. I still felt very strongly about him and had never forgotten our childish flings. We talked and talked and he said to me, that I was a very special girl. He had never forgotten about me. He was so sorry he hadn't said it sooner. I looked exactly the same. I looked so darling! Was I doing alright? Yes, I was. Oh Hannah, I am so glad to see you!The next night, we went to dinner.We talked more and wow. We really got along great. We had so much in common. so much to talk about. And the way he talked to me--oh wow. He was just wonderful. Great. I felt completely like a little girl again. And he said such nice things. He really listened to me. We ended up having the most passionate sex that night, that I've ever had.He held me all night, and I did not sleep at all. He was leaving the next week. We led different lives in different states now. We weren't children. He was sorry we couldn't have had something before. I was a spectacular girl--one he'd NEVER forget. He loved me. (He really said that.) He apologized. Kissed my forehead. Call him if I was ever in _______. Etc. etc. etc.Again. Broken. Crushed. Heartbroken. I started my college year again that fall. Never did I stop thinking of him. This is where you, the reader, will hate me.I had a baby, that spring. A real, living, breathing, daughter. And guess what? It was Rafael's. My daughter is three now. Only close friends know that it's his. Other people don't. He does not know that we--I--produced a daughter.Then, Clark. Clark. Clark.Clark loves my daughter. He loves me. He is great. A lawyer. I am still in Cornell, studying. My parents were very supportive with my daughter when I was first having her. They really helped. Clark is talking about wanting to marry me. Forever. For real. I have a good time with Clark. He is stable. He cares for me. I care for him. Part of me is still clinging to his childhood crush, though.I am starting to feel guilt. Rafael should've known. He's got a great job I here. He's doing VERY well. He's still a great, heart-working guy. If I were to tell him, #1: He'd be very upset, mad, maybe even guilty.#2: What if this ruined his career and lifestyle? He's living a great life, living his dreams! Working with movies like he always wanted to. (Well, really commercials.) Having a daughter may cause stress or just make his dreams fail. He may not live the life he wants to live, having to know he has a daughter. He's a good guy. He'd want her a few weeks at a time and stuff. But I don't want to interfere with his great life. Yet, if I were him, I'd want to know.Part of me, wants to go down and tell him myself. Part of me wants him more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. So. I need your advice.I can stay with Clark, who acts as a father to my daughter. Who is caring and great. Let go of this childhood crush. Live on. Not tell Rafael. Not put a hold on his dreams. (I am so glad he is doing so well! I really don't want to hurt that!)Or I can stay with Clark and tell Rafael and work out something with him.Or. Or. I can tell Clark I need time. I can go tell Rafael. I can sort things out. There will be explaining to be done. Rafael is going to be upset. I think if I really do this, I need to go see him. I need to sit him down. I need him to yell at me. Get mad. I'd be mad.I've done a horrible thing. And now, I have no idea what to do. I do not want to hurt Clark. I do not want to hurt Rafael--though I've already done that. And I want what's best for my daughter. I do not know what is best for her, though. I do not want her going back and forth between Rafael and I. I don't like that arrangement. But I'd do anything for her. I'd move to his town if I had to, just to make it easier. I'd do anything. But what if--I have no clue what his reaction would be--he has forgotten me? What if all he said was untrue? And if you think I should tell him, what do I say? I'm a horrible person, for this, I know.Thank you so much to those who replied!
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crush, flirt, heartbroken, immature, older men Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker  +, writes (4 August 2010):
 The other aunts have given some sound advice. I'd only want to add this - Be fair to Clark. He sounds like the good, sincere guy, the Captain Dobbin to Rafael's George Osborne.
Don't lead him down the garden path if you don't love him. Don't marry him "for your daughter's sake" if you aren't going to commit whole-heartedly to him.
I guess I'm saying this because nowhere in your story does it come out that you feel anywhere near the same for him as you do for the absent Rafael and in my (admittedly short) life I've seen a lot of sadness in relationships where the love was not quite mutual.
Good luck to you! I do hope you take a decision that works out well for you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for the good advice.
I'll try to update you on what finally happens and goes down. I plan on telling Clark my plans and everything, soon. Maybe this weekend.
Thank you ever-so-much!
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (4 August 2010):
 Dang that was a lot of text....
I don't understand why you didn't tell Rafael about the situation when you were pregnant. I'd tell him now - not because you hope you'll get together, because you won't get together - but because he has bought a child into this world and he should get a chance to be a part of her life. At the very least he should be paying child support. Don't keep your daughter a secret because he might be living his dreams. So what if he is? You have a daughter that needs to be supported right here and now.
Stay with Clark, tell Rafael, and take it from there. Call him if you have his number. Write if you don't.
And seriously, I know the dude was your childhood crush and you wrote ten pages on how the sun rose and set on him, but you have to let that go now. All that sweet talk he talked about how he loved you is just that, crap. No matter how much you loved him, he did not love you back. He never dated you. He never even tried to. Let it go. It was a childhood crush that belongs in the PAST.
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A
female
reader, s4d3 +, writes (4 August 2010):
 YOU ARE NOT a bad person!!! In my own opinion you should let Rafael know he has a beautiful daughter and let him make his own choice. You've raised her thus far so give him the option to be involved. I don't know all the details but it sounds to me like Clark is the way to go if you truly love him. In my own experience I had my own Rafael and I wrote him off. I wasn't good enough for him then, I'm not now. Given there wasn't a child involved but you do have to look out for yourself and your daughter and if Clark really loves you he will be there for you if you choose to hunt down Rafael to let him know about his child. If Clark loves you and loves your baby girl, why not give it a shot? Hes obviously more mature and committed to you than Rafael ever was. Personal opinion mind you, I only know what you wrote.
And on a side note, you teared me up a bit. Perhaps a good form of therapy would be to use your writing skills to publish a book. You did capture the emotions as well as facts and really should consider tying truth and a bit of imagination into a story that could captivate the many women who are torn by heart issues equilant to your situation. You may find that alone to be theraputic as well as a good way to analyze your own feelings.
I hope this helped. Feel free to message me if you want to. *big squeezy hugs*
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A
female
reader, WhateverMovesThee +, writes (4 August 2010):
 Yes, it's a tough situation to be in, but you are NOT a horrible person, far from it. You seem sensitive and caring, not wanting any of the three people you mentioned. But, personally, I think you should tell Rafael and stay with Clark. We never forget our first loves, they always have a strange power over us. As hard as this may be to read, you have to realize that if Rafael truly loved you, he would have moved Heaven and Hell to be with you. I'm sure he cares for you and I'm sure he never wanted to intentionally hurt you but, I'm not sure he can give you the sort of love you truly need. Clark is looking to build a future with you, he loves your daughter and offered the most serious sort of commitment there is: marriage.
Things might get rough since you and Rafael live in different states but when your daughter is much older, maybe she can then spend a few weeks with him and such. When you tell him, explain why you didn't tell him sooner (I'm sure he'll understand) and tell him that you will not make things hard for him in any way, you only want him to know his daughter if he so wishes to and for his daughter to know him-that's it.
Think of Clark too...what if he doesn't want to move near Rafael? Or can't? If that happens, send R. lots of pictures, and you can always have them communicate somewhat on Skype or something until your daughter is old enough to travel or whatever. It won't be the same, but in this case, lots of compromise will have to be made.
I wish you the best of luck! Please, keep us updated.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (4 August 2010):
 Ouch the first love in high school always hurts..and especially when u run into him years later. Your 19 still young, and your also a single mother..however u still have the rest of your life ahead of you. Rafe has every right to know about his daughter...you have to tell him about her, assuming your 100% sure its his. Now as for Clark, if you really feel that you love him then stay with him..it sounds like your not for sure about Clark or Rafe...I know its hard bc its your first love but if Rafe every time only used you for sex then the least you could hope for is he'll want to have a relationship with his daughter.. I would put Clark on hold and tell him u need to deal with your daughter and her relationship with her father..if he loves you he'll understand
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