A
female
age
41-50,
*unniebunie
writes:Ok here is my problem, and I need help.My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 months now, he has been an absolute prince to me. He has been a sweetheart and a true gentleman. But at the same time he tells me that he loves me yet I have this sense that I dont believe him. Am I just being self-concious or should I ask him about my gut feeling. He is still hung up on his ex, he claims his ex wants to be friends still and he does not, and supposedly he was the one who broke up with her. He has not come into contact with her for awhile now or so he says, but I have this feeling everything negative is directed towards her, yet he still loves her and cannot get over her. I am in fear that I am just a "filler," someone who takes up his time so that he does not have to think of her. But at the same time he does spend quality time with me. We only spend about two days a week with each other, I never sleep over because he is a night owl, and I am worried that someone else is filling in the rest of those five days left in the week.I dont know I just cant seem to get a hold of my feelings and what to do. I want to scream and cry outloud that I am hurt because I dont believe anything he says and that I have this gut feeling that he still loves her. I am old enough to know that I may be sabotaging myself for failure but I love this man so much that it kills me that he may be thinking of someone else. What am I suppose to do? The backround to why I dont believe him is because he has admitted to me that he has cheated on girlfriends in the past. That his best relationships were with girls that he has cheated on. Yet his worse relationships were with those that he was loyal to. So should I hope that my relationship sucks so that he doesnt cheat on me? lol? We have an age gap of about 12 years and his last ex girlfriend was an age gap of 14 years. I am not sure if that would make a difference. I feel so lost. I dont know if I should confront him, in fear that I may loose him because I know the truth. Do I even want to know the truth? I am not sure. I am happy, but only in the outside. In the inside I am crying to "REAL" love
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 February 2009):
 Okay, whoa there, hunniebunnie.... you are giving this man too much of your heart after four months if you are feeling this unsteady and uncertain about him.
Intuition is often our subconscious protecting us from ourselves. Your gut is telling you something is off. LISTEN.
He's also as good as told you that he is going to cheat. I don't know why, but maybe he thinks that if he tells you this in advance, that you won't have any right to be upset, because you knew what was going to happen if it was a "good" relationship for him. He has some gall, I have to point out to you, to inform you that the best relationships were the ones where he cheated. I wonder how he'd feel if he were the one cheated on. Probably not as "good".
Another thing I don't like is that he's already told you that he loves you. After 4 months together, at 2 nights/week, he barely knows you yet. You've spent the grand total of what, 32 days together? That's about a month.
I don't like it, I just don't like it. How old is he, anyway? 38-41? How many girlfriends has he had? How many wives? I don't like that he doesn't seem to be self aware enough to figure out why so-called good relationships are the ones where he cheats.
I will tell you what I would tell one of my good buddies if she were in your situation. First, use protection and I mean barrier protection--the condom. Do not assume that he is free of STDs.
Second, "cover your heart, Indy, cover your heart!" He is setting this relationship up for failure already.
Third, listen to your intuition and don't ignore all the red flags he's tossed in your path.
Fourth, figure out the pattern of his past relationships. How many has he had, how long do they last, and most importantly, WHY does he cheat and whey do they fail.
And finally, one night, if you're still there with him, do try to spend the night, bring your own book or ipod or DVD or some form of entertainment, and tell him sweetly that you don't mind if he's a night owl, you're becoming one too and that you'll just hang there with him. "Go ahead, honey, you just do your usual thing, I'm fine here with my book, diary, ipod, [whatever it is]." See how he reacts to that. My dear, your intuition is saying he loves another still, that he's possibly with someone else on the 5 nights a week you're not with him. Why wouldn't you figure out what's going on?
I have know some handsome, charming, sweet, courteous men who were notorious cheaters. It's part of how they get the next girl on the hook, they have to be all of those things.
Be very very careful with him, please.
All the best.
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