A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, I just want some opinions or insight into this.Me and my boyfriend have been together 5 years, everything was amazing until around may. We started arguing all the time, we couldn't even look at each other without it erupting into an argument. Neither of us would apologise and they would drag out, then another one would start as one of us wouldn't of let the previous argument go. We had never been like this before, always had a loving relationship. We had arguments but never to this extent. My boyfriend stopped spending time with me, said he couldn't deal with the constant fighting. I started causing more arguments, felt insecure, unloved and longing for his affection. Then he ruined our world. He started an affair with another women. This affair lasted for five weeks before he called things off with her to focus his time on our relationship. I found out about this affair two weeks after it had ended. He broke down, hysterical and broken. I sat there numb, not knowing what to say or do. My world was torn. I loved this man and I know he loves me, but could I forgive this? I decided to try. I had never seen him hurting as much as now, I believed him when he said he loved me and would do everything in his power to rebuild our relationship, into a stronger one that before. It's now been two months and there hasn't been a second when he has not kept his promise. The relationship is currently bursting with love, it seems like when we look at each other now we can see the love in each other's eyes. It sounds ridiculous, he cheated on me for 5 weeks. Some love there! I do believe this affair banged our heads together and told us to wake up, and appreciate what we have. I don't believe my actions deserved him cheating, not at all. I can hold my hands up and say that the relationship was not in a good place. The effort had slipped and we were spiralling into hell. I do believe that he didn't realise how much he loved me. His exact words were that he didn't realise how much love he had for me, until he saw my sadness and hurt he had caused. He said he felt and overwhelming rush of love and need to protect me. He said it was as if every piece of his heart fell into place and the whole situation has made him mature as a person.I want to ask about a comment he made however, he said he was 'glad' that I had found out about his cheating. As it has really shaken us and allowed us to see what we were neglecting. The comment made me feel uneasy. As if he's grateful that it happened. It's worried me that if we ever hit a rough patch again his answer will be to go ahead and cheat on me. I don't understand how he can be happy that my world was torn apart and I was hurt so badly?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2014): You have alot of question marks about all that's happened, and naturally so. I don't think you should let him off so easily. And not so much out of punishment for him but more for yourself. You were betrayed by the person you love and you haven't given yourself time to think and reflect about what happened. Without his assistance. But rather on your own. Make up your own mind regardless of what he says or how he feels. I am currently dating somebody who did something sort of similar. He was my friend for two years, it turned romantic in February but even though he said he loved me he also was very hesitant about committing to me. And made no secret of it. We admittedly liked each other and certainly cared for each other but he could not bring himself to commit. When we started sleeping together in April, I did not know there were other girls. Even though he was often acting flaky and distant, and we weren't officially a couple, I guess because he was my friend and had told me he loved me, I didn't think he would do that to me. I found out in July that there definitely were other girls the whole time. I was hurt and I confronted him. I wasn't angry, I just wanted him to be happy but I was hurt that he led me on. He felt like crap. He apologized profusely, begged for my forgiveness. He was crying. He kept me up that night all night long explaining to me why. We were friends first so of course I listened to him. The things he said, he had never let me in that close in his heart. It turned out he did really love me and he did not want to lose me. I guess in a nutshell, he basically said he was scared. But I think he realized he was even more scared of losing me than of being with me because after that incident, he is a million percent committed to me now. We moved in together, he is an amazing lover, he has brought up marriage within the next year. As for me, I realized that I absolutely could forgive him. I thought about everything, what led us to fall in love, why things went wrong, why we love each other, why it will work out. And I absolutely forgive him. Everything, even his misgivings, made sense, given our history. Men are weird creatures. When it comes to love they are afraid of the unknown. And they are quick to look for solace in other women. I think they do it to protect themselves from getting hurt. I don't think this has much to do with the other woman as it has to do with you and him. It's not like he saw this woman and thought, "wow, forget my girlfriend, I want HER." I think it was more like he was looking for a way out and she was there. It sucks, believe me I know. I think you should give yourself time to think and reflect. He has just added another element to feel resentful about and the last thing you want is to go back to the relationship fighting and driving each other away again. Just take your time and think and reflect about it. And if you can forgive him then do so. But be absolutely sure that is what you want and that is something you can do. Don't rush back into this relationship having so many question marks about it. If you are going to get back with him, be absolutely sure that you can forgive him and move forward.
A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (14 September 2014):
 He means that he's glad something so positive could come out of something so negative. That you guys were in such a bad place, and you both have woken up and realized just what you needed to fix. Without that, it may never have been fixed.
It wasn't intended to mean that he was glad he cheated and would do it again and doesn't regret it. It was kind of a poor taste in wording. But it was intended to be a good thing. That it made him realize his love for you.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (14 September 2014):
 I think the an is over-eager to prove that he's sorry and in doing so, he's saying over-the-top things which he doesn't mean. What he probably meant was that you guys needed something to jolt you out of your downward spiral but the way he said it was wrong.
Why don't you just tell him what you feel? Tell him that he should think before he talks because he's hurt you enough and these inane, insensitive statements are completely unnecessary. Its one thing to be sorry and he should prove that he's sorry by his actions, not by such silly statements which will only make you doubt him more than restore your faith in him.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 September 2014):
 He was glad he's reunited with you. Before he responded to the fighting with more fighting and withdrawing. To the point that he wanted to escape from the relationship and started the affair. If instead you learned ways to relate to each other. Express the fear of abandonment in a way he understands, then the affair and the possible break up wouldn't have happened. It's easy to say he's using this as a free pass to cheat in the future, and that by forgiving him you are telling him you condone cheating. You have reasons and have the rights to dump him just based on the affair. But if you want to make it work, then trust him and believe him when he says he's sorry.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (13 September 2014):
 Here's my take on your submittal:
Sometime before May, your B/F started having an affair with (whoever)..... What you describe going on between the two of you - in May - is classic "he's doing it with another girl" behaviour.
Affairs are tricky arrangements..... so, when "other G/F" started pressing him for exclusivity (Read: "dumping you"), he paniced and came runnning back to you....
You think you "discovered" the affair "two weeks after it had ended"..... but it didn't "end" for WHATEVER reason you think it did.... It ended because he knew that he was now faced with a REAL, ADULT decision..... and, WE GUYS HATE THOSE!!!!!
When "he said he was 'glad' that I had found out about his cheating...." what he REALLY MEANT was that he had an inkling that YOU were really in turmoil.... but that you weren't going to dump him..... and he was going to get a "pass" whereby he could pick up where you and he left off......
THAT is the truth.... and I hope you and he can figure out how to go forward from here.....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Miss0 +, writes (13 September 2014):
 He obviously loves you very much, but cheating is ridiculous, in my eyes, you have to think of how you feel, and did you even think to turn to a man and have an affair? If your going to stay with him, you need to have a little talk about that, about what he means in his mind, my opinion would be that if he hadn't said anything the guilt would have eaten him up and the relationship would have been totally ruined, but maybe in his mind he saw it as he's got it off his chest and he's shown you how guilty he felt and your still together and stronger than ever, and he's maybe glad because it's brought you two together and so strong, maybe that's why he's glad but he still feels very guilty as well, trust will come back slowly, but as long as you are happy that's all that counts, if he does it again my opinion would be get rid of him.I hope my opinion helps.
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