A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Help! My boyfriend of 4 years posted personals Men to Men on Craigslist. I was totally shocked. In addition he semed to know all the lingo and I am totally disgusted by reading it. Appears he is not new at this. I even replied to one of his personals under a fake name / new email account and he replied back to come over right away. Days later I asked him if he was gay or bisexual and he said no.I broke up with him but is is trying to convice me we should still stay together. I haven't fully trusted him throughout our relationship and not proud that I read his email where he replied to a posting on craigslist, which is how I first found out about all of this.What should I do? Tell him I know about his Craigslist postings? I can never be intimate with him again knowing he is most likely been with other men. But I do still love and care about him.
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male
reader, FeelTooMuch  +, writes (4 September 2010):
I'm so sorry about what happened to you. There's two problems here. For one thing, if the person on craigslist and on the e-mails definitely is your boyfriend, then he has taken willful action to see other people - nevermind the whole issue of the sexual orientation - he is intimately sharing himself with other people.
Furthermore, finding out that your boyfriend is gay is definitely a stressor on the relationship. I am gay, and I know that it is very difficult for a gay man to stay in a straight relationship - although not impossible. (really, the matter of sexual orientation functions more on a spectrum - from 100% hetero, to 50/50, to 100% homo - your bf might be in the middle somewhere, or truly gay).
The main thing is, does he want to live life as a straight person? Few of us gays would try that - but I personnaly know some who do/have, and it is easier to do if he is bisexual. Anyway, what would make it all easier would be to have him be OPEN about his true sexual orientation with you - then you'd be able to work it out. In order to have him be open about it though, you'd have to show alot of understanding and compassion (even though he wouldn't deserve it) - most of us are still afraid of being burned at the stake :S
Once again, my deepest sympathies. I feel terrible when I hear of gays/bis using people, and I sincerely hope that what he feft for you was love!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses. Seems like its a no brainer that we need to stay broken up. Yes, I would be paranoid about him being with other men if we did stay together. I'm already checking craigslist daily to see if he posted any new ads. I agree that I could be a cover for him, acting as if he is hetrosexual.
I will be going in to get checked for std's. I am trying to move on and start dating again but its not so easy after spending all that time with someone.
But as one of the replys says you don't stop loving/caring someone overnight so have to tell myself it will take time.
All of this has taken its emotional turmoil on me and have started to see a therapist. At this point I don't plan on telling him about the craigslist but will have to see.
Thank you again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses. Seems like its a no brainer that we need to stay broken up. Yes, I would be paranoid aboiut him being with other men if we did stay together. I agree that I could be a cover for him, acting as if he is hetrosexual.
I will be going in to get checked for std's. I am trying to move on and start dating again but its not so easy after spending all that time with someone.
But as one of the replys says you don't stop loving/caring someone overnight so have to tell myself it will take time.
All of this has taken its emotional turmoil on me and have started to see a theapist.
Thank you again.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 September 2010):
 Wow, it would be over for he. Men don't post MFM on Craiglist for fun.
Can you imagine what kind of STD's he can be running around with is he does casual sex, be it gay or bi? THOSE he has no problem passing on to you.
Get an appointment and get a STD panel done, dump his ass and move on.
TRUST your gut.
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (3 September 2010):
 come on.he's using you as a cover. he wants his cake and his frosting.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2010): honey the first thing i would do is confront him ... i walked in on mine in action with another man!!! that is how i found out and had no clue he was even that way ... so the best thing is to tell him what u know and then wait on a responce and i would leave it alone and let him have at it!!!
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A
female
reader, natmarie  +, writes (3 September 2010):
 You have to confront him.he is probaly sleeping around.. you have to also think of your sexual health. Please tell him about the craisglist thing. YOu have to get away form this guy unlsee you are happy to put up with him sleeping with other men behind you back and putting you at risk. let us knwo hwo you get on.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (3 September 2010):
Oh wow! Don't feel bad about finding the ad and replying to it. At least that is a sure way to find out what he's up to. Honestly, if you tell him about the incident he's probably going to go with one of a few things: he'll deny it and say it wasn't him; get mad at you for "tricking" him and turn it around on you (because how could you be so decitful when you were only trying to figure out if he was trying to hook up with other MEN!), or he'll admit to it and cry and like a baby and admit he's gay or bi (which is probably unlikely).
So I think you should just stay broken up with him because I would definitely not want to have sex with him EVER again. Seriously, what diseases could he be passing on to you and he's obviously confused about his sexuality!? Of course you're going to still love and care about him, it doesn't just go away over night; but, I think if you were to stay with him you would always be paranoid about what he's doing, if he's hooking up with other men behind your back, if he's with you because it's "right" or if he's secretly wishing he was with a man, or if he's going to give you some disease. In the end, I wouldn't mention the craiglist ad unless you feel it's absolutely necessary.
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