A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I know we all say things to hurt our significant other's feelings at times. Something happened this weekend, and it might sound dumb, but I need another perspective on this. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. He isn't afraid to take risks and likes to stay active. I like to stay active, but I am very cautious about taking risks.We were walking down by a very big river, and we came upon a fallen tree that was hanging somewhat over the river. He wanted me to walk out over the trunk and sit with him on the fallen tree trunk and watch the river. I started to, but the portion of the trunk I had to walk on was rather small, and I didn't feel that I was stable enough to do it.When I told him I didn't feel it was safe, he called me a pansy [he was already out on the thicker part of the trunk by that time.] I tried again, but went back, because it just seemed dangerous to me. I told him it didn't feel safe to me.He scoffed and became sarcastic and said in a mean way, "Well why don't we just go home and sit on the couch then!"It made me feel bad, like I'm no fun for him. It just seemed dangerous to me, and I am hurt he didn't honor my sense of caution. He doesn't usually honor my sense of caution though. He makes fun of me because I won't ride carnival rides [I get seasick very easily.] He likes to push the envelope. I like to live safe, because we are not infinite beings!Was I a pansy? Am I just too boring for this guy? I feel like he wants me to act like I'm 19 or something. He and I are the same age, both in our early 50s. What do you think? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (25 April 2017):
 I forgot to add...
It's worth noting that men are far more likely to die from misadventure than are women. What good was the risk when you're not around to enjoy the rewards?
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (25 April 2017):
You calculated the risks and weighed them against the expected rewards and opted to remain on solid ground. A wise choice in my opinion.
If a life saving cure for a loved one were at stake I don't doubt you'd have walked on the trunk and sat down. But it wasn't. It was just for a bit of fun, which is hardly worth jeopardising life or limb.
What I do think merits your attention is how you allow these things to affect you. In effect you asked 'You did me wrong. What's wrong with me?'. MY response to him would have been 'You did me wrong. What's wrong with YOU?'.
You're more concerned with his opinion of you than of your opinion of him.
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (25 April 2017):
 I am a person that likes to play it safe now that I have gotten older. When I was younger, I did crazy exciting things that now when I look back make me wonder what on earth was I thinking??? For the most part, I am not a thrill seeker. I like safe and comfortable and will weigh the odds before deciding to do things. If its something that I think could harm me, I'm not going to do it. I'm in my 50's and broken bones do not appeal to me.
My ex husband was like your boyfriend, he was spontaneous and did some really crazy and stupid things (and quite often got hurt!). He used to tease me and almost bully me into doing things. We were NOT compatible.
I don't know if your boyfriend was teasing you and you are a sensitive sort or perhaps he was being kind of a bully but I wouldn't have went out on that log either. No thanks! I would have been thinking "broken leg, broken hip, getting cut, ect.."
As the others have stated, how does he treat you overall? If he is trying to bully you or make you feel weak, drop him. Who needs that kind of companion? If he's just a teaser then tease back and always come back with a snappy answer unless you just don't feel like that kind of a relationship.
I married someone like me...smart and thinks things out first. We manage to have quite alot of fun together without sky diving or drag racing! I leave the thrill seeking activities to daredevils!
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (25 April 2017):
 You should have got a long stick and pushed him off the end of the tree! And then called him a pansy when he complained about getting wet.
He is childish and trying to show how "brave" he is because he has found someone who, in his eyes, is not as "brave" as him. It is an ego trip. How does he treat you outside of these incidents? If he is constantly running you down and making you feel inferior, you are not in a healthy relationship. If it is just these occasional incidents when he makes you feel bad, perhaps the secret is to find new ways of dealing with what he says to you. After all, you cannot stop him wanting to appear big and brave, but you can control how you react to it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2017): You should refrain from physical activities that could cause you injury or result in tragedy; no matter what anybody says.
The activities you described are both better suited for highly-active people not likely to fall, or get motion-sickness.
I think he's being too rough with you verbally, and you're being oversensitive. He didn't say you were boring. He likes excitement, and you don't like his choices in having fun.
Tell him you're mature enough to know when to yield on the side of caution; and will be happy to be an enthusiastic spectator! Always respond with humor. Unless he goes too far and insults you. Never accept that from any man!
Name-calling is a deal-breaker, if it was said in anger!
Don't overreact to obviously adolescent teasing or childish provocation. Men tend not to outgrow our boyishness. You have nothing to prove to him. Somebody has to be able to call 911 when he breaks a hip! He's showing off to show you how vibrant and virile he still is. Laugh it off! Tell him you're the brains, and he's the muscle!
Maybe you need a guy more easy-going and less likely to take physical risks. Maybe you also need to show him what you can do that requires a little extra energy and some nerve. You're not an old-lady yet, sweetheart!
Sometimes you can be too safe. Never trying anything new or attempting anything that would blow your hair back. Sometimes you need to feel the rush of adrenaline or make your heart race! That's the feeling of living life! You're not a pansy if you don't like crazy rides or climbing tree stumps like a kid; but sometimes you've got to be a little daring for the sake of fun and excitement.
I've never ridden in a car that went over 120 m.p.h.! My ex and I went to Florida on vacation; and he took me for a ride in a race-car around a racetrack! We did 180 around the track! I was scared to death; but it was exhilarating! I never felt so alive and scared at the same time! I would have never tried such a thing. He is a trained and experienced driver; made sure I would be totally safe. My current boyfriend took me diving. I've never been so deep underwater! I'm cautious too, but curious! My curiosity often gets the better of me! I still have a phobia about draw bridges, but I have forced my self to walk and drive over them! My heart pounds before, during, and after!!! I hate bridges you can look down and see the water beneath you! I just got goosebumps!!!
If he doesn't behave like a gentlemen and persists with insults; that's a red-flag. Maybe he's too pushy and verbally-abusive. I don't think that's the kind of guy you're looking for.
Ask him to dial it down, or no more dates! By the same token; don't be afraid to take a chance doing something that challenges your fears! It prepares you for unexpected emergencies that may require you to stay calm and summon your courage! He offered you a couple of activities that mimics things that can happen to you unexpectedly. Like climbing over debris after a storm; or like being in a vehicle in a skid on ice, or hydroplaning.
He got me with losing his temper at you. I don't go for that. It's better to gently coax someone to try something new; if you make sure they trust you and feel safe. Not batter them with insults to force them to do something frightening and unsafe. He sounds like the kind of guy who would throw a kid in a pool to teach him to swim!
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