A
female
age
36-40,
*ina123
writes:Hi All - My boyfriend and I have been together for about 4 1/2 years. When we began dating he was not completely honest with me and was still seeing other people during the first few months of our relationship (it was not completely exclusive) which is why we talked it over and got past it. The next few years were great, we had a good relationship and although we did not live together we spent almost every night together - I was still in college - he had already graduated and was working full time. Now, I had met most, if not all of his friends. One of them in particular - she and my boyfriend were very good friends from their college years. She had a boyfriend, whom I had met and we hung out on several occasions and she seemed like a nice person. Never gave me a reason to think anything about their friendship. Then in June of last year - I received the call that has changed everything - she was expecting a child with my boyfriend. He was the one who called me and told me the news, he was as shocked as I was since he had also just found out. He then went on to explain to me that they both got soooo drunk one night and it "happened" - and next thing he knows she is pregnant. He was sincerely sorry and apologized, and cried and was mad at himself, angry, dissapointed about the whole situation. He claims that it only happened one time and that there was nothing in between them. Throughout the pregnancy the pregnancy they kept in contact - to make sure that the pregnancy was ok. He has told her that he plans on marrying me and building a future together and she understands that and is under the impression that we will get married. Now the baby was just born - a girl - and although I am glad that the baby is fine and has no health issues - I fell angry, sad, upset that he has had a child with another woman outside of our relationship. They have settled that they will only communicate on things that have to do with the child and nothing else. I do not know how to act, re-act, think about this whole mess. I do not like drama in my life and have always kept things as simple as possible. Now I am faced with a situation that is not simple..a boyfriend that is devastated about the whole thing and a little baby in the middle of this crazy mess that two drunk people have created. How do I know or judge how much "visiting" time is enough? When do I draw the line? How do I tell him that I am NOT okay with him visiting her so often? Please, I need advice or input on this situation and please no rude comments - since I am already hurt as it is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): You are devastated because of the complications this new kid brings?You should be devestated because your boyfriend proved he was dishonest. Again. You are making excuses for him the whole way. First you say it was only the beginning stages and that the relationship was open. Then after the relationship is exclusive you excuse his cheating (that's what it is) by describing how sincere his apology and how it was just a fling. You literally take his side of the story when cheats on you. The fact remains that he has failed to be honest with you in a pretty major way. Again.This is a personality trait he has, it isn't a serious of mistakes you can hold against him and discipline him for.This sounds like a terrible situation, but it also sounds like you willingly make his problems your own. You decided to build a relationship with some one who lied to you in the early stages. Then he cheats on you later and you decided to stay with him while he visits the pregnant woman he cheated on. You really believe he just got her preganant "one night" when he was drunk and weak willed? Really?Now you are asking how to discipline him and set limits for him... Your boyfreind is a child.You can keep him if you want, but his visitation won't be the real issue, the issue will be that you will constantly be reminded of the consequences of his infidelity to you. You won't be able to ignore it when there is a real flesh and blood baby, and not a sob story.If you want to keep your life simple, dump the boyfriend. You have been together a long time and you genuinely seem to love him, but he has proved he can't be trusted and you are running around after him wiping his bottom for him. Setting his visitation dates will not give you the dignity you deserve.
A
male
reader, Sandman +, writes (15 January 2011):
 That's a tough situation and you have reason to have all those feelings. It may take some time before you can begin to truly accept the situation as it is, but over time, and if you really want to stay with your BF, you'll have to find your inner peace and ability to deal with it as best you can. I promise that it gets better over time - I am a product of such a situation and I have a great relationship with my stepmother as a result.
It's pretty difficult to say or regulate how much time is okay and how much isn't. You want your BF to be able to do the things he needs for his daughter, putting a time limit on it makes things harder than they already are. I'm sure he knows that it will be hard managing his time between you and his daughter who is not with him, but it makes it harder when you tell him he can and can't do certain things as it pertains to his daughter. Remember, he has a responsibility to his daughter and he needs to be able to whatever it takes to make sure her needs are met also. Don't cause tension in your relationship by delegating his time with her.
However, you CAN delegate how much time he spends alone with the mother. As it stands, there shouldn't be that much alone time anyway - but there may come a time when the two parents need to get together to discuss important matters of the child. When that time comes, you can ask to be present or ask that they do so in a public setting. It's important to communicate that it's not that you don't trust him or her, but you want to feel at ease about their interaction with each other and you're not comfortable with them being alone. NEVER bring up the fact that their being alone produced a child and that's why you want them in public settings. That communicates you don't trust them.
Be as flexible as you can without sacrificing your sanity. Again, he may need to go her school, field trips, birthday parties, doctors appointments, sporting events, etc - that you might not be able to - or even want to attend. You need to allow him the chance to attend all of those things without fear of being attacked or continually persecuted for wanting to do things for and with his daughter.
Again, this is a tough situation. But in my opinion, you're setting yourself up for heightened tension, stress, and anxiety by setting up his visitation times. Yes you'll be anxious when he goes to see her - but this is where you'll have to learn to trust him. If you can't trust him, you should probably begin to rethink the outlook of your relationship.
Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): You are still young. Really step back and look at this siutation, he cheated on you and created a baby with another woman. Not bad enough that he cheated but he created a baby with someone eles when it should have been with you. You will not the first woman to have his baby, this child will always be in your life, money will be coming out of his pocket for this child.
Leave this relationship. Why bother with all the hassle? he obviously did not care when he had sex with her unprotected. Let him go on with his mistake and you move on to a decent man. What your boyfriend did was the low of the low.
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A
female
reader, Battista  +, writes (15 January 2011):
Hi OPI really feel for you to be in this awful situation. I understand what you are saying about things suddenly becoming complicated, through absolutely no fault of your own. My thoughts are that, to be honest, I think you should get out of this situation and leave your bf. For a start, that is the only way you are going to be able to get away from this whole mess. However, I think there are also other things to consider, beyond the various ways this child will affect the relationship between you and your bf.If it were me, after I found out that my bf had cheated on me- drunk or not, it makes no difference- I would lose all trust in him. Now there is a baby as a result of that. I don't think I could ever fully trust him again, especially as he has to see this woman regularly as the mother of the baby. Do you honestly fully trust him? Enough to marry him? If you don't then I think you need to re-evaluate the relationship seriously.Secondly, you can't control the amount of time he spends with the child. You can't draw a line. If at some point you try and limit it, and the mother is not happy about it, no matter how innocent you are trying to be you will be painted as trying to stop your bf seeing his child in one way or another, whether or not it is true. It's just not up to you. I guess if/when you are married you will have more control over this, but do you really want to be dealing with the situation for the rest of your life?I do not get the impression from your post that you seem to be at all angry with your bf- but maybe that is because you are a diplomatic and objective writer! However, what I mean is, you need to apportion the blame to your bf as much as to this woman. Presumably they had unprotected sex which in itself could be dangerous to you if were also sleeping with your bf at the time. I am not sure I would want to take back a bf who had done that to me, let alone want to marry him.OP only you can decide whether you want to marry this guy. I personally don't think that having fathered a baby with someone else is a good basis for marriage and would not want to do marry someone like that myself. I don't think the situation will get any easier over time, I imagine you will simply get used to it. Is that what you want? I am sorry to be harsh but I think you should cut your losses and move on. You are young, you've been to college. You've got your whole life ahead of you. Do you want your future to be entangled with this other woman forever?
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