A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 4 years told me that he doesn't want to get married anymore.. And his reasons are very selfish in my opinion. He said he doesn't want to support me with medical bills, or that marrying me will have a bad effect on his retirement fee. I was devastated because he said before that we will get married.. he even told his friends about it and even look at wedding rings for some ideas in the past. I was humiliated and I feel like he just string me along and just selfish and un reliable in keeping his promises. I am 47 and marriage is something that I want. I don't know what to do. I don't have anywhere to go since we are living together and I cried which he said his sorry and that everything will be fine... I just dnt see how... please help me. I feel like moving out because it seems like I am just wasting my time on this man... but Im broke with no job and totally dependent on this relationship. Thanks!
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (2 May 2014):
 I'm going to go a little against the grain here and say I don't blame him. Voluntarily helping you out here and there is one thing, but assuming legal responsibility for your debt is a whole other kettle of fish. If you can't pay those bills who do you think they're going to go after?
You two are not a couple of youngsters just starting out. Forgive me if I'm mistaken, but I'm assuming he's your age or older, that he earns more and therefore pays a larger share toward your overhead. The man has more years behind him than ahead of him and he just wants what we all want and that is stability and financial security.
The fact that he's been having second thoughts does not mean he strung you along. People are allowed to re-evaluate their situations and make different choices.
OP, you're 47 years old and know the ways of the world. You don't need me to tell you how many couples shack up and before they know it years have gone by and the promised wedding never happens. If marriage was your goal you should have held off moving in with him until you were.
I understand this is a shock and a disappointment, but I don't think it's fair to blame him. He has every right to protect himself as we`d be advising you to do if the shoe were on the other foot and HE was the one with the medical bills.
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (2 May 2014):
No offense, but he's not being selfish in a bad way, he's just looking out for himself as people have to do sometimes. You're a huge liability. No job, no savings, no retirement, nothing. That's a big risk he'd be taking to marry you. If you're not married you'd qualify for some government programs at least.
You're also being selfish. You value marriage itself over your actual relationship. Trust me marriage doesn't make things magically different.
At the very least you need to get a job and start working towards retirement.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (2 May 2014):
 1. "... married, anymore.." is the key phrase that "tells" you that he never, really, had any intention of marrying you in the first place....
2. "...he doesn't want to...." tells you that he sees marriage largely as a largely-financial scheme wherein YOU provide $ex to him... but he needs to avoid "paying" for it with some form of decency....
3. "... telling his friends..." was an exquisite smoke-screen.... He expected it would put you off his scheme... but you weren't detered. (Drat!!!).
4. "I am 47 and marriage is something that I want. I don't know what to do." What you "do" is pick up those fragments of your life that you like... and get on with things. After all, at 47 you hardle even qualify as "middle age" (these days).... so figure out how great the next 40-or-so years are going to be....
5. "...he said he's sorry and that everything will be fine..." That applies only to him. YOU need to see that everything (and ANYTHING) is not going to "be fine" until you depart from this creature and get on with your life.
I know it is easy for me to sit here, comfortably, and pontificate about your situation... So, for that, I apologize. HOWEVER, there ARE resources available for someone in your predicament.... Some of the Aunts and Uncles will, undoubtably, list them for you. LISTEN to them, ... and seek out that assistance.... and get started on your new, improved "... the rest of my life.."
Good luck and God Bless....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2014): OP with all due respect you're both being selfish. He's not willing to take a financial hit to marry you and leave himself stuck with your medical bills and get less money for his retirement and you don't seem to care about any of that. So your reasons too are selfish or you'd work to offset that.
OP I'm married and while we got married to be husband and wife, the main reason we did so was it made financial sense to do so.
If it didn't, then we'd just have stayed a couple with a lifelong commitment and no contract.
You know either way, OP, the solution to this is for you to sort out your finances and start bringing in money.
That means you can pay your own medical bills and have money to bring to any marriage, it also means if you can't get over his reasons for not wanting to marry you right now that you can leave and be independent.
OP he has his reasons for not wanting this at the moment, he's told you before he will and instead of moaning and crying about this you'd actively work to fulfil his conditions if you want to marry him.
Because honestly, OP, I wouldn't want to enter a marriage in such circumstances with a woman who has nothing and just demands a marriage, a wedding I have to pay for because she has no money, medical bills I have to take responsibility for and then other hits I take too.
Marriage for the sake of being married is foolish in my opinion, it's just a relationship with some rings, the important part of marriage is the legal contract that outlines responsibilities financially, tax breaks and all that other stuff.
If that contract is just going to make finances even tighter and actually mess them up then there's no point.
Marriage is about two people, two people have to agree to it and if one persons has conditions that need to be met then that's fair enough.
I'm not sure of the legality in America or your state in particular but you might be able to put together a pre-nup to set up a separate property system within the marriage that are you sole responsibility or your medical bills and he cannot be legally liable for them, so his assets are protected.
You see he has valid fears and if you really wanted to marry him then you'd work on removing those fears on a practical level.
OP you have your reasons for wanting to be married and you too have conditions you need met before you'd marry anyone. We all have our conditions. Your choice is either to meet his, solve them or just walk if you're not willing to.
With all due respect to you, OP, I'm not a man who wants to be sole provider for a woman and if I had to be I certainly wouldn't choose a woman with debts or bills that I will be shouldered with.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 May 2014):
 IN the USA it's been known to marry for health benefits. that's the sad state of our health care.
Sadly he probably never had any intent of getting married. His excuses are just that excuses.
I hope you have signed up for health care as now it's available.
I would contact a woman's shelter and see if you can get help with a place to stay and training for a job because as long as you stay in his home he will not marry you.
you must leave him and get on with your life.
are you disabled? Do you need to file for disability? I can assist you with advice on that if you want.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2014): You're in the usa and with obamacare now under a certain income you will get some type of coverage if you become ill- with a job you can buy into a program that will give you coverage for preventative and other medical care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2014): I'm so sorry you're going through this- I think it's terrible of him to make you believe you would marry and then change his mind due to finances- he must have had some idea about this when you two planned to marry.
I think the writing is on the wall for this relationship. You need to get a job and then leave when you can.
Are you disabled or unable to work?
I'm not sure what he means by a retirement fee? Does he plan for you to simply keep on living together and then what will happen when he retires- you will have to move if you have health issues & or go on some sort of aid?
Basically if you stay healthy he will keep on using you but otherwise you get discarded.
He should realize that he may be the one to become sick first and men tend to die before women do. He may need you or someone else to help take care of him.
Anyway this is a very glum outlook for a future so I would do my best to try to get financial independence and move on form this man. If you have family or friends I would see if you can stay with them and just leave now because it will be depressing to stay with him now.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 May 2014):
 In a country with no National Health Service,his selfishness may also simply be seen as common sense and natural self preservation instict. The older you get , the more is possible that health issues would crop up, with relative high costs, and , if you can't contribute at all , having no job , income, or savings, the responsibility of keeping you healthy may be psychologically and financially devastating for someone who's not super affluent.
( It is to be noticed though, that , while this makes a big difference from a legal point of view , because if you are not married he does not have to pay for you.... in practice, suppose you are not married, and you get very sick, and you have no money to pay for your own medical care,... what is he going to do , let you die ?! ).
You are only 47, you are still employable at your age. Is there any particular reason why you don't work, or CAN'T work ? And are you just temporarily unemployed, or have you been living off him since the last 4 years ?...
Anyway, I think that what you should do in any case, married or single, if only humanly possible, would be to get yourself a job, and save as much as you can. Then , you can leave and be on your own if you feel the r/ship is over - or , you can stay and be less of an economical burden to him, which should assuage his fears, and remove his objections to marriage ( if this is the only reason ).
I don't know about retirement fees,and how does it work in your country, and actually what you/ he mean by that precisely , but let me say that all over the world the amount of your pension is lower, at times sensibly lower, than than of your last salary, so basically what he means,I think, is that he cannot AFFORD to support you forever once he is retired . ( Although, here too, how was he planning to handle that ? by putting you out by the scruff of your neck once it's retirement time ?...)
It may sound as if he has been stringing you along with his talks of marriage, I don't know, maybe he was, - but maybe he simply was over optimistic , and , on the wave of emotions, he dreamed of a happily ever after, than then, in the harsh light of cold facts and numbers, he realized he can't AFFORD.
Anyway, either he does not WANT to take total care of you forever, or he wants but it's too financially heavy for him, the advice stands- get a job , any job, if just humanly possible , and this regardless of love and romance. If he ( God forbid ! ) should drop dead tomorrow... what would you do then ?
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (2 May 2014):
 If your broke,unemployed and totally dependandant on him then that's why he won't marry you.
He has probably realised that he cannot support the two of you indefinitely, by not marrying you he is not 'legally' responsible for you.
He has not thrown you out, so it's not over, you have a roof over your head and everything else - for free.
You will be hard pushed to find any man while jobless and broke, so maybe it's time to change that situation.
Start looking hard (or harder) for a job, find a way to make money and save money. That's your main priority now. You have had a wake-up call so it's time to shake yourself.
You will feel a lot better being financially independent rather than a kept woman and no doubt his housekeeper.
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