A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi Guys,Im so frustrated with someone and need some help.My aunty moved to America about 10 years ago because she met the love of her life and wanted to settle down etc...She is married with 2 children and doesnt work.Now when she lived here in the uk she had a good job,a nice house and car but decided to give it all up for her now husband (who isnt well off and they struggle with money). I admire what she has done and when the entire family was against her i stood up for her.Now i have a good job,my fiance is very successful and between us we have a comfortable lifestyle. We often send money over to her to help her out.We are friends on facebook and whenever i put on my status what i bought or what pressie my fiance gave me for my birthday she always comments sarky things like "god,what u spent on those shoes would able me to buy dipers for a month" or "i never spent so much on a bag,even when i was working and earning money".The latest one was i said i wanted to buy a puppy and she said started going o n about how expensive it would be etc...Well i answered her back that dogs are no more expensive than children and money shouldnt be an issue-we are fortunate in a good position to give the animal a loving home. She answered back "of course for u money is never an issue"I want to make it clear i NEVER rub it in her face what i have but i am allowed to put status on my facebook without being constantly lectured or made to feel guilty!She had the choice with her life-she choose her path but i feel she begrudges me for my life. I dont know how to deal with her.I have to becareful what i say to her otherwise she will get all upset and turn my family against me.Help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2010): I agree with the others. Stop sending her money except for like Christmas, birthday etc. She should be content with the choices she has made, or make others to change her situation, like get a job. I agree that teaching people to fish, rather than handing them a fish is the best option to really help them in the long run.
A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (19 February 2010):
 There are two separate issues that you perhaps need to deal with in relation to your aunt. You are right when you say she made her own choices in her life. I think you should stop sending her any money as you are creating a relationship based on dependency. If you think about aid agencies working with poor people in developing countries - they prefer to give people the tools for self sufficiency (and dignity) rather than hand-outs. There are parallels with your aunt - she is a poor relative and you give her little handouts here and there. I think she needs to get a job - it doesn't sound like there is any incapacity or lack of employment potential. If she is bitter at your self-sufficiency then no matter how many financial gifts you hand over that will not change. It sounds like she has time on her hands if all she wants to do is make bitter snipes about your shopping habits. I guess she is jealous of your success and happiness. You shouldn't try to make the relationship better - it sounds like you have been a nice person who has done nothing wrong. I doubt she can turn the whole family against you and you certainly cannot enter into a blackmail-type relationship where you pay her to keep onside. Apart from that, I think the other issue for you is what you mention on your facebook page. I think your relative's behaviour should alert you to the fact that any of your contacts on those websites can read your comments. As such you need to take care what personal information you broadcast - I appreciate your comments so far have been rather innocent but you need to think about what you write, who might be reading it and what impact it may have on your own happiness and future life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2010): I know it's easy to say but you should just ignore her comments. She is just jealous and is probably trying to make herself feel better by making these jibes. She is the one who looks silly though, not you. I think it shows that someone is very dissatisfied if they make these sorts of comments on a regular basis. It is VERY kind of you to send her money as well, and she sounds very ungrateful to you for what you do. This would upset me a lot, but I know what you mean about it being difficult to say anything because it would make you sound bad, even if you were in the right. Can you speak to your mum or dad about this? Just mention to them that you find it upsetting that she makes these comments, especially due to the fact that you help her out financially. I'm sure they will understand, and they might not want her talking to their daughter like that. They might be able to have a quiet word with her. But, best thing you can probably do is just ignore it. As you said, she's made her choice; I think SHE is one who is probably feeling bad about that now. You certainly don't need to. You should be proud that you have done well for yourself.
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