A
male
age
41-50,
*onfusedinus
writes:I have been with my wife for about 9 years now and our relationship was very fulfilling until my wife had consistently put on weight. It has been an issue and she has attempted to try and loose weight but only stays motivated for a couple weeks and then it's back to doing nothing and just complaining about it. I have tried everything I could do to motivate her, praise her, help her. I eventually gave up and my attraction to her has been lost. She constantly asks me if I still think she is pretty or I still like her. So I tell a white lie as I know if I told her I am no longer attracted to her that will surely be devastated and possibly end our marriage. She is a very sensitive person. We also have a beautiful 2 year old baby girl who I love and adore and I have never wished to jeopardize our marriage for the sake of my daughter not growing up with both parents as I am in the military and a divorce will surely take her away for most of the time. It wasn't until just a few weeks ago I was in another state for work (I am often gone 150 or more days a year) when I met a woman 3 years younger than I. It was during Christmas and New Years and we both were spending it away from any family. To make a long story short I had an affair. I had more in common with this woman than I have now with my wife. I received affection and also enjoyed returning it (something that has been lost in my marraige), I was attracted to this other woman and we spent everyday for the greater part of 2 weeks together. We both thought this was just a nice fling and we both lived separate lives in separate states and this was not to continue. This woman also does not know I have a wife or child as I never brought it up. My nightmare began after I returned home and found out my wife was pregnant which we had previously talked about but now I just was not excited which I felt guilty about, I also have not been able to stop thinking about this other woman nor has she, we frequently text message and call each other and we both honestly miss each other. I just don't know what to do; I have a wife I use to love and adore but I simply am not attracted to her anymore and it makes everything difficult. With this new woman I understand it's a new thing and feelings subside but these feelings I have not felt since my wife and I were childless and she was not overweight. I don't know how to handle these feelings or what I should do. My gut tells me to stop this affair and concentrate on somehow letting my wife know I am not physically attracted to her anymore because of her weight and it is now effecting being emotionally attracted to her and fix our relationship but the feelings I have without her are intense and great and something which has been missing from my life for a very long time. How do I tell my wife I lied to her evertime she asked me if I was still attracted to her or if I still thought she was pretty and expect her not to be devestated. I have no intentions of telling her about the affair for sake of hurting her or making our marraige totally irrepairable. ...I am just lost and don't know which direction to go and need some advice.
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affair, christmas, divorce, military, no longer attracted, overweight, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Volume190  +, writes (15 June 2010):
Wow, completely saturated with answers by women saying "man up", "that's wrong", blah blah blah.
We only live once and there is a thing called divorce for a reason.
This isn't about weight, this is about two people growing completely apart from eachother. You already had an affair which means on any subconscious level that you are NOT happy, and chances are you won't be happy with your current wife.
You said you had tried to get her motivated to lose the weight and she has rejected all attempts to try. If two people can't get one person to do something, it just isn't going to happen (you'd need some life altering event to have any effect).
I have friends who have children with "baby mamas" and that is all. They have children together, but nothing more because the relationship was toxic and can never work out. You are living a lie if you think it will get better. Your resentment of your situation will tear you apart in the years to come (and that will hurt your daughter and new baby anyway).
Divorce and move on, but I would take it slow with the new woman since you'll be preoccupied with child support and the seperation process. Baggage and single parents are all too common now.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2010): Can you live without seeing your children everyday. Can you truly stop for a moment and think about how much energy and time you are wasting on this other person instead of putting the focus on the current situation you are in? You must still be able to function ok sexually with your wife if you were able to get her pregnant again. Sir i mean no disrespect because i myself am in a military marriage,so i understand it already creates strains in itself from spending alot of time apart, but are you no better than a animal who cannot control himself? Please be a man, you stand up for your country now stand up for your marriage and your daughter whom i ask you to think of her future, what advice would you give her should someday she be carrying on a fling with a man who uses her for sex but is married? No woman who loves her husband wants to lose him, be honest with your spouse and tell her that you love her and want to remain married but that the weight and looks issue is going to have to be adressed after a reasonable amount of time has passed after the birth. I think honesty put in a gently way coupled with solutions i.e. i will work out with you, i will help give you support and eat healthy with you, i will help out more so you can do these things, thats the direction you need to go in. And last you keep your affair to yourself, you solve nothing by telling her except clearing your own guilty concious. Wake up tommorow and do the right thing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2010): becareful what you wish for. i was overweight and lost 16 kgs, although my HB doesn't admit it i believe he is a tad bit jealous. would you be able to handle it when other men start complimenting your wife, finding her sexy, giving her the come on and then ultimately she having an affair just like what you are doing. Bad news: SHE IS GOING TO PUT ON MORE WEIGHT WHILE PREGNANT. and if you know preganant women our hormones go on overdrive. so while satisfying your lover, you need to work overtime to satisfy your wifes carnal needs. whether you want it or not, that wife of your is going to be very horny and well if cannot satisfy her i am sure another man will. you may not know this but some men love large women.
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A
female
reader, heyitscarissaa +, writes (13 January 2010):
 I agree with Angzw. Telling her isn't helping because having one child alone is a headache. After the second i would give her time to heal, recoup and then set up a babysitter with family, like a mom or a sister so she feels comfortable and then maybe later you can start trusting neighbors or friends; then you can take your wife to a gym and encourage her. Be there with her each step of the way. That should help her. She may just need to know that you are there for her.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (12 January 2010):
You would have to be satan to bring this up with her now that she's pregnant and is only going to gain more and won't be able to help it. It will be devastating to know now that you find her unattractive while she is trying to carry your baby. Hang in there until the delivery. During her pregnancy tell her that after the baby you would like her to become motivated to get back into shape and start planning now so that she is mentally geared up. As a mother of 3 and an amateur figure athlete, I have to say that it is hard to be self-motivated with young kids needing your attention. My ex husband (divorced for other reasons) after giving me a bad attitude after the first two decided to help me finally after the 3rd. He just pushed me for 3 months, picking me up when necessary, walking and running with me and teaching me the exercises in the gym. His enthusiasm rubbed off and now I compete on stage in a bikini and have also recently taken up boxing. The destruction of my body by the pregnancies was both our problem because they are both our kids and he sure did his part in helping me get it back. We started slow and dieting was only introduced after 6 months. My motivation was a contest he entered me in 18 months after birth. Now I do it on my own. So help her get started, not with words but with action.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010): Well, some good advice thank you. Let me clarify a little more on the weight issue. The weight gaining had started long before the first pregnancy. Before that I was physically and emotionally attracted to her. Over the past 4 years along with the weight gaining (which I have brought up to her that I want to see her healthy, etc, etc, everything but saying your fat and you need to loose it)she has changed as a person. The person I remember her and fell in love with was full of energy, loved the outdoors,use to swim several time a week, and ate healthy. This has not been the case for about 4 years. She is a stay at home mom since being 4 months pregnant with our 2 year old and is no longer active. If i try and come up with activities they never happen because there is always an excuse like it will eat into the babies nap or she'll get cranky, etc. The last time I went on a date with my wife was 2 years ago, she will not trust anyone to watch our daughter other than myself which makes having adult time hard. It wasn't until just a few months ago my wife finally let us sleep without our child. I feel I lost 2 years of my wife after 2 years of being disappointed in how she treated herself.
Most of my attraction to this other woman who btw is 24 and definitely not married is emotional. She reminds me of what my wife's lively active personality use to be; which is why it is so hard right now, I remember really what I loved in my wife which is not there anymore. Sure you have to be attracted to the other but this I feel is going even further than the weight issue.
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A
female
reader, heyitscarissaa +, writes (12 January 2010):
Honestly I think that what you did was wrong. Once a woman has had a baby it is much harder for her to loose weight then a man and I don't think men realize that. She deserves the truth. The worst thing she has done is get fat and u decide that since she hasn't gotten in shape you can just have an affair?
I realize that the feelings are all there with this other women but you can't be that niave to think that it's going to b different with another woman?
There is no way your wife is going to be okay with you not being attracted to her anymore, that's the truth. From what your saying it seems like u were in love with her body and not the personality or the person behind the skin you met 9 years ago.
I think you need to sit down and think about what's really important because you have a 2 year old and a baby on the way. Man up and start acting like the head of the family because whether or not u are attracted to your wife, you have a family and u have a wife whom you committed yourself to. .
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A
female
reader, Holli'  +, writes (12 January 2010):
 I think though you are no longer attracted to your wife you do care about your marrage, and of course your child.To cheat on your wife was wrong, and it sertinatley didn't do you any favours.There is a way of telling your wife, I think it will help get it off your chest if you told her about the afair, you need to tell her your feelings, and make sure she understands you want to save the marrige.Are you in love with this other woman? If not it will be easier to avoid contact, I'd do the bigger thing, no matter ho hard it is, delete her number from your phone, and any calls or texs you get from her 'unknown@ number don't read or answer, just delete, send her one last e-mail explaining why you are cutting all contact. If you wife is willing to forgive you, you can start fresh, I understand you arnt there all year round, but when you are do fun active things together as a family, like biking together, going for a long walk with a healthy picnic, going to the swimming centre, I 'm not exacly thin myself, but love to do exersise as long as it's fun and i'm not doing it on my own, experiment with new healthier food, foregn foods, you can find billions of recipes online for free, and then your wife will find healthier food she prefers, keep encouraging her, and as she loses wait you will not only become more attracted to her, but closer to her from the fun family experiances you've been having together, you'll forget about that other woman and be living a happy life with your family again. Let me know if this helped or if there is anything else your unsure about. Good Luck
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (12 January 2010):
 You have to at least tell your wife how you really feel about her weight gain and how it's affecting your feelings for her. Part of our sexual chemistry is attraction. You don't have to disclose the affair just yet, but you do need to end it with this other woman. Guess what? There's a good chance she's married too and you're both double-dipping as an escape from dealing with what's at home. You have another child on the way, and unfortunately you're wife is going to get even fatter for awhile, but if she knows how you feel now, maybe she'll try not to blow up completely and eat everything in sight with this pregnancy. Tell her once the baby is here, and she feels up to it, you can both join a gym together and start working on becoming healthy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010): I commend you on wanting to save your marriage. The emotional affair has to stop. simple as that. Im going to tell you what my bf told me...
I had gained weight during a neck injury... infact i gained 40pds... he simply said
" you used to be really attractive but you have put on alot of weight, I love you.. Im not going anywhere... but, you were more attractive to me when you weighed less"
Now, this pissed me off.. cause he could have simply put it a different way.. like--
I want you to start taking pride in your self, go to the gym and work out. I want to start buying you those sexy things I used to buy for you... after I calmed down we both discussed how we could both get more healthy.. (he lost weight faster than me btw)
the bottom line is, she is going to be hurt but, thats part of a relationship... knowing that they will tell you the truth even though it hurts.
In your wifes defense you have not been honest either.. you've been lying saying its ok... kinda giving her permission to be fat.
you say you have no intentions of telling her about the affair? did you know as your wife she could take your cell down to the store and have the dam thing cloned? or what if this person calls out of the blue one day when you have forgotten your phone?
Now, lets put it in a different perspective... your wife gained weight you told her it was okay.. and you went to a different woman...
what if the shoe were on the other foot? what if you got injured and got fat and she said well, you know i just am not attracted to you anymore since you gained weight so i decided to start having an affair with this man.
you want her to loose the weight you tell her... you don't sit back like a passive little man and use the excuse.."well she didn't loose the weight so time to turn else where"
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