| A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hi, I am seeking help as I am dating an aspergers male virgin. I have researched various articles and I am trying to understand it more. I have grown up around aspergers/autism as majority of males in my family have it, however dating is different. I have been best friends with my partner since childhood and Its only in the last three months we have been dating I am feeling frustrated as my partner isn't wanting to sexually engage with me,i have discussed this with him and he has said its not me but him. I want to understand more, and I love him I do want us to work, I am wondering how common this is in a NT-AS relationship and any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2015): Hi, this is an answer from a female Asperger's virgin:It is good that you're making so much effort to be understanding.My advanced advice would be first work out whether he is in fact sexually inclined, since a fair number of "aspies" are asexual or if not aren't too bothered about PIV (penis-in-vagina) sex. If he isn't you just have to decide whether sex is something you can live without. It's possible he may at some point be open to you fulfilling your sexual needs elsewhere in a discreet manner, but I wouldn't bring this up right now or he will feel pressured.If he is not asexual then I think depending on his level/type of sexual interest you'll have to try and coax him slowly into being intimate with you. You may find any gender roles you're used to are reversed a lot since most male aspies seem to be far more sexually passive than the average NT male.I would first try to to get him comfortable with less sexual forms of intimacy i.e. hugging each other in a romantic context and if he is okay with this encourage him to tell you what feels good for him if he masturbates etc., then you start to join in with this and just tell him matter-of-factly about what you yourself enjoy (no hinting) and let him know that you also enjoy to be touched in the same way. If you eventually progress to intercourse you just need to help him feel relaxed, if he has touched your vagina first this will help make it less alien to him.If he has sensory issues with wetness etc. that is a whole different ball game and will be very hard to get round. If you do have sex you'll probably need to go on top and lead the encounter at least at first and until he gains more confidence.Oh and I would think this is very common with NT/AS relationships. The main problem is just that male 22-25 assuming he's in your age range are expected to be sex mad, sexually aggressive and for an AS male this tends not to be the case so you're thinking, "am I not desirable?" "Why isn't he desperate to to get in my pants?" but you just have to remember aspies are different creatures and it is no reflection on your desirability or anything similar. Things that are normal for NTs can be scary for us. If he knows you understand this it will probably help.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2015): I would suggest being more patient and think about him and not yourself.
He has a condition. You don't.
He doesn't need to be more understanding. You do.
Don't try to force your needs on him. It won't work.
These guys need more patience, understanding and empathy, ok?
What they need is a giving and loving woman who is not putting her needs first and on her own timetable.
If you can't handle it, move on.
Coming from the mom of a son with autism.
I know.
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter  +, writes (27 March 2015):
 Honestly, it might not be the aspergers causing it, it has only been 3 months and he may just need to go a bit slower!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 March 2015):
 To the male anon...
WHAT PHYSICAL aspects of ASPERGERS do you mean?
btw the DSM will no longer list as a separate disorder but will continue it on the autistic spectrum.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2015): Is he OCD and highly functioning Asperger's? And is he on the mild scale or a very pronounced one with observable physical Asperger's features?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 March 2015):
 It might be just TOO much for him for now. Too intimate. So you have two choices. TO RESPECT it or end the relationship.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 March 2015):
 I agree - respect his decision! If he's not ready, he's not ready. If he's holding out until marriage, then you need to decide whether you're compatible with that idea. But don't make him feel bad for that decision. Many virgin non-Asbergers girls are respected for not wanting to lose their virginity. There needs to be no double standard.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2015): He may simply not be ready yet. And it's not fair to push it from him either. Are you a virgin? If you've had sex before, then you have experience and have less reason to be nervous. A first time experience is most likely very nerve-wracking, and to be pushed for it would only make it worse. You have to respect his boundaries. Do not take it personally, he just doesn't seem ready to quite move forward yet and that is perfectly okay. Just don't constantly pester him for it as that will only make your situation worse.
It is possible that you two are just not sexually compatible.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2015): I wonder how did he end up attracting you, getting you to go on a date with him, since male aspies tend to have a harder time than female aspies since having Aspergers affects your social-skills, conversation-skills a lot, and guys are still dealt with the onus of being the initiator.
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A
male
reader, Pegasos  +, writes (27 March 2015):
Respect his decisión if you truly love him. He might want to get married first.
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