A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem with my girlfriend and its really making me frustrated and confused. We have been together for four months now, i'm white and shes asian. I have brought her around my entire family and introduced her to all of my closest friends. As for her..shes not allowed to have a white boyfriend! I had to nearly beg her to change her relationship status on facebook. I have never met her family..everytime we hang out it leaves us sneaking from her house to mine. She constantly lies to her parents every time i see her, telling them shes going to her friends how to do homework. On top of that she has two siblings that go to our school. If they come around she gets really nervous and almost pushes me away. I cant be holding her hand or anything. She tells me that her sibling know about us but clearly she hasn't told them. She has introduced me to one or two of her friends but thats about it. I pretty much feel terrible because i have shown her everything in my life and she has offered nothing. This is the only problem we have in this relationship. We really like eachother and shes really sweet, but im wondering if it's worth it. She claims we can work it out but im not so sure. How can i have a future with a girl whos family is going to hate me no matter what kind of impression i make? It pisses me off so much! What should i do? Is it worth more of my effort to try to work this out?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2014): If you're a mixed race Asian, it will be worse because they'll think you're of many different cultures and won't fit into one. In my case, I get tempted into White guys but my parents have already married me off to an Asian guy because they are Asian and he's nothing but racist towards Whites, Blacks, and mixed race people. I've got two Asian friends in a similar situation as your Asian girlfriend. One has an Asian boyfriend who is related to her and is so possessive that he is racist towards anyone not Asian, including Whites, that he's pressuring her to marry him and another one has an obsessive, racist Asian ex-boyfriend who is stalking her and threatening her White husband as well as saying racist things about him. Dating Asian girls is risky. They could be betrothed to an Asian guy in which he, her male family members, and his family members can gang up on you or the Asian guy she is betrothed to can beat up or kill you. There have been stories of Asian guys beating up or killing non-Asian guys for dating Asian girls, especially their exes or current partners or spouses, and White, Black, and mixed race males are the worst victims because they are seen as having Asian fetish or yellow fever.
A
male
reader, JackP +, writes (18 September 2011):
Alright so i am going to go ahead and tell my story here. I am 18 years old and in 5 days moving from Spokane, WA. to Seattle, WA to attend the University of Washington. Not to give you my life story but its relevant i promiss. Anyways in 8th grade i started dating this Hmong(asian) girl whos parents are very traditional and will not approve their sons/daughters to date anyone besides other Hmong people. When we first started dating her parents saw us kiss at a nearby mall and we broke up. 5 months later we started talking and decided to try it again. I asked her at that time to introduce me to her parents because i had no idea how much they disapproved and meeting parents was important to me. After hearing what would happen if they found out i decided for her i would wait untill she was ready. Freshman, Sophemore, Junior, and senior year of High School we created millions of memories together and always were know as the cutest couple who has been together forever. It wasn't easy and we broke up several times due to stress of sneaking around, lieing, etc. We both got accepted to the same University and decided tomorrow, she would tell her parents since we will be moving away together and its finally time. Well today, 5 days from finally being free from lieing and sneaking around she decides its to much. She can't tell them . And i get a random text saying "I think we should break up" the following texts were me begging her to rethink, and her saying no. The last 3 texts ive recieved from her currently as i write this is Her: "No more stress to tell my parents :) I'm free" Me: "Im very happy for you :'(" Her: "Thank you. I appreciate it. I have nothing more to say so lets stop talking"....
Im not telling you what to do and what not to do. Every year spent with her i learned so much and became a better person. And she was an amazing person. I had full faith we would be together forever. I wish better luck to you. It is just such a terrible situation to be in. Trust me, i know. Let me know if you have any questions.
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A
female
reader, StellaRosecumJacobianRuse  +, writes (2 April 2011):
Omg this is seriously going to be so difficult for you that it's gonna mess up your head and self esteem if you continue with this girl.I'm Chinese but my parents are understanding and humane, or at the very least i've not heard any dictations from them regarding my love life and choice of ethnicities that are acceptable for dating, courting, or marriage. However I went to school with some seriously traditional Asian parents who infringe their daughter's human rights left right and centre. For example my friend got a bf at uni and he's Chinese as well, but since he's from an 'inferior' part of China her parents disapprove. I hang my head in shame sometimes on their behalf. And Chinese parents have problems and a bone to pick just about anybody because they are so critical and often very racist. I think you really were unlucky to have fallen for a girl with such a background. The martyr thing to do would be to live in shame, wait for the distant hope that one day, when she is old enough to stand up to them, she might be able to persuade her parents. Or you can just think about what is the best for everyone involved. If she really has a backbone at all or any strong enough feelings for you she would've stood up to her parents. I know of Muslim girls here in the UK who ended up dead because they rebelled against the patriarchy and chose a white man (extreme example I know). I think she is half hearted and really leave her alone to work through her own issues with her parents (because baby she will have plenty, i've seen so many mental issues arising from some Asian parenting).
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (29 September 2010):
 I know more about the British Asian experience, and it's not a question of being ashamed of you, it's the fact that dating may be forbidden. For many Asian girls, dating especially somebody outside their culture can be very, very dangerous.
As cottoncandy19 explains, it's not just a question of upsetting her parents. If they are very traditional, they will actually take her out of the country and you will never see her again. If she chooses to love you, it's not a case of her family just being a little bit upset. It's much more violent than that. She can be shunned by her family, her whole community, shame can be brought down on all the family, as they whisper things about her, they will look at her parents bad and silently whisper behind their back.
Traditional Asian families are very community based, and have lots of rules. If she breaks them, she will bring down her family honour, and traditional parents will do anything to stop this happening. It might affect the well being of her sisters as the will be looked on with dishonour in the same way that she is. Her brothers will get into fights, defending her, as she will be seen as a "whore", even if your not having sex and are just dating.
At the extreme levels, she could be forced to marry someone, or even killed, honour killings are known to happen when Asian girls want to date or even get an education. She may be beaten or be forced to give up her education and her freedom.
These are all extreme examples. Most Asian parents are not like this are are not so traditional or strict. Most Asian parents are very modern, but still don't like their daughter's dating outside the culture. This is the background of the kind of thing you are dealing with. She doesn't just have to think about her parents reaction, she has to think about the reaction of her whole community.
You love her, be patient, work with her. She will be working on softening her parents up, slowly changing their attitudes, working on which family and friends she can get to support her. In this culture, things take time, because you can loose your whole lifestyle, and in extreme cases, your life.
Yes Asian girls can marry white guys. But the family has to be not so traditional, you have to move slowly in introducing the idea to them, and you have to be very, very respectful, and have marriage in mind.
Things are changing slowly as traditional families become more modern. In Britain many Asian women are allowed to date anyone they like. But not in very traditional families, especially those where the parents are uneducated and do not speak much English. You must be patient, you must trust her judgement, she is risking a lot by just dating you. She knows how far she is able to go and not have problems within her family and community.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (29 September 2010):
 Don't think about it in terms of being "Ashamed" or "living a lie". Think of it in terms of "temporarily underground". There will come a time when she's able to call the shots in her own life without being under oppression.
Think about it, if your parents wanted to keep you away from the person you love the most, wouldn't you date her in secret?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (29 September 2010):
 She's not ashamed of you. She doesn't want to deal with all the questionings and gossips among family. When the time is right it means when you two are serious enough to get married. Just dating is not good enough. What if you had sex but would not be responsible for the "consequences?" An American would not mind a non virgin so much but in case she wants to marry a traditional Asian guy in the future, she gotta be a virgin. So to make her parents feel secure, you can't be known until you are sure you want to spend the rest of your life with her. It has less to do with your race but more to do with preserving her innocence. Her parents know how liberal you guys are, so they don't have faith that you have the patience to wait till the wedding night.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys i talked to her today. She said not to worry about her family and that she would tell them "when the time was right." Basically she avoided the topic. I can't simply bag this relationship i care about her so much! I don't want to end it and then regret it later and end up asking for her back. Then again, im tired of helping her live a lie. And im not proud to say i have a girlfriend who's ashamed of me. Im torn on what to do :(
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (28 September 2010):
 I think you should bag this relationship. You're too young to work this hard at something that's probably going to fizzle out in 6 months anyhow. There's plenty of other girls to date who have families that will accept you.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 September 2010):
I have a different perspective on this.
I assume that she's the same age as you are, meaning she's being supported by her parents. Not being independent has its disadvantages, including having the people who are supporting you financially impose their beliefs onto you.
If she were living on her own and hiding you from her family, I would feel differently. However, her going against the wishes of her family can be devastating for her present and future life. What if her parents cut her off from college, or pass down a crippling punishment? She's helpless right now.
I would advise you to not leave her and get over being pissed off for now. What's more important, her love for you, or your need to make a public statement? If you love her, you'll be patient, and she'll make you public from a position of strength.
Of course it would stroke your ego for her to go against her parents, but the end result of that would be for them to cut both of you off and for her to spend the rest of her teenage years in hell.
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A
female
reader, CottonCandy19  +, writes (28 September 2010):
i'm an asian girl. And i have these problems too in the past. My parents are the not so modern yet not so traditional. They don't arrange my marriage, but they strictly forbid me from marrying other than asian guys. I went to highschool and fell in love with this white guy. He was the sweetest guy i've ever met. He told me he liked me a lot so we started dating. He introduced me to all of hus friends and family. I decided no matter wat my parents think, im still going to love him. So i introduced him to my parents. They didn't really like him and soon enough when they found out we were together, i was forbid to see him and my parents took me back to malaysia. I said my goodbyes to him.... It was the hardest thing i had to do. Until now, eventhough i've found someone else that my parents approve of, i can never forget how very hard it was for me and him to work out our relationship, but now i'm happy and hopefully he's happy too :) oh... And if u really love this girl, dun let her go.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys i took all of your advice into consideration. I don't want to make her choose between her family and myself that just sounds horrible..I'm not trying to cause her family problems or try to single handidly change the ways of her culture. I feel like it's a lose lose situation, no matter what i decide to do. As for her parents finding her an asian man to marry..That is very possible considering they don't even know she has a boyfriend! And i know her culture does do that, and they find these men from a young age (our age). As much as i like her, spending my time and hard effort for a relationship that wont work is not what I want. I'm going to talk to her about it tomorrow and see what she says.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2010): Been there done that with Indian girl .... Sooner or later her family is going to find her a well educated Asian man for her to marry that can and will support her and start a family with leaving you behind find a new girlfriend because this girl will never be yours just a matter of time
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (28 September 2010):
She says she can work this out. For you, working it out means stop lying and for her it may mean please be understanding to her parents. From now on stop mentioning about her parents and stop going to her place. Tell her you are not going to help her live a lie. As she gets older and become financially independent she can make better decisions for herself. It's up to her to tell her parents to stop living in the 50's. If they are concerned about racism then they are the only problem. Your side of family has clearly shown that they are not racists. So let's stop all prejudice stemming from your ancestors did what to my ancestors way back then.
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A
female
reader, Indie23 +, writes (28 September 2010):
 Please talk to her about this. Don't fume silently and start resenting her, tell her how you feel and what you want. Then work something out from there.
I'm sure she's just scared that she'll have to choose either you or her family. She probably cares a lot about both sides and doesn't want to lose either.
No matter what you want, it's still a very complicated situation. Think about how you would feel if your family told you who you could and couldn't date. It wouldn't be much fun.
So just talk about this and work through the issue together.
Best Wishes, Indie.
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A
male
reader, fordyboy +, writes (28 September 2010):
 You are in a difficult situation my friend because there are cultural issues here that you are contending with. Certain asian cutures hold women as subserviant, they are there to please the man and are often expected to be in arranged marriages. This girl is ultimately in the position that she is going to be forced to chose between you and her family. I guess that this girl actually feels very strongly towards you but is being held back by what is expected of her. I would never say that somethng you both want is not worth fighting for, but it looks like you might have one hell of a fight on your hands. I would like to know more about your situation and will watch this one. I'm sorrry my advice cant be more positive.
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