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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I have a huge problem, and it's tearing me apart.I'm 19 years old. My boyfriend is 23.Ever since I was a baby, and I'm not kidding, I've had a temper. I used to have tantrums in my craddle. When I was starting to eat real food, my mom would feed me, and I'd get upset and take the spoon from he hand and yell "me! alone!". I've also always been a cry baby! I cry about a lot of things. Ever since I was a kid. I've been very overprotected, now that I'm older and with my boyfriend, things have changed a bit. But I never learnt to ride a bike, and I never had friends as a kid, because my mom didn't want me to be in danger. I guess this kind of has an influence on the problem I have now. I don't remember ever being hurt as a kid, physically or mentally, until I started going to pre school. I cried a lot in pre school, if my classmates made fun of me, if the teachers corrected some mistake, etc. I always thought those things meant that I wasn't good enough. I still do.Now. I grew up having poor self esteem, although I didn't realize until a few years ago. As a kid, I didn't really know about self esteem. And as a teenager, I thought everyone was going through the same thing, that it was a phase. But until now, I still can't feel good about myself, even though I do a lot of things that people admire, things that are rare and unique, I just feel plain, and I feel that the flaws that I possess strip the value out of everything good.I've always had a bad temper. My mom always points it out, because sometimes I blow things out of proportion and end up having HUGE arguments with my parents. Especially with my dad. I don't know why, but I get angry, frustrated or hurt and I start screaming and crying, and storm out of the room. He has yelled at me in frustration. I don't know why, but my emotions control me. They get the best of me.It's never happened with my friends. I guess it's because I just try to be so nice to them, to fit in, I don't know. But when I'm sad, I cry, and cry, and cry. And after arguments, I feel worthless and powerless, I feel like people like me shouldn't exist.Now with my boyfriend... this is my first boyfriend. We've had problems because of his jealousy and his own temper, for which I've lied repeatedly to him. He's willing to stay with me to mend the trust, because he really feels that love can conquer everything and that I'm a great girl and that we can be very happy together and get married one day if we make the effor to overcome all this. But lately there has been a problem, and it's my temper, and the way I react when we argue.It's the same pattern as with my parents, but a lot worse. Maybe it's also the fear of losing him that kicks in, as I know I can lose him but not my parents. But sometimes we're in the street, and he points out how many wrong things I've done and how I've made him suffer, or he'll get upset because of everything that has happened, and we argue, and I cry and yell even hysterically sometimes. Last night, I hit rock bottom. I feel like I'm at my lowest point. We had gone out with some of his friends to the pub. We had some drinks, although I didn't drink much. Later, we went to another one of his friend's house. We hung out some time. Both of these places are near my house, so we walked. While we were with his friends, everything was nice. But I recently screwed up (I went somewhere he doesn't really like and didn't let him know). So when we walked we were alone and he'd point out how he loves me and can't understand why I keep screwing up if he wants this to be forever, and that if I want to be with him too, then why do I screw up so much? It was 5 am. He was walking me home. He kept pointing out how I've been screwing up, and how he wants o be with me and that he's a good man and he can get another girl if he wants, but he's with me, because he loves me and wants this to work out, but that I've screwed up so much, etc... so I start getting frustrated. It builds up. The anger and the hurt. I start crying, I start yelling because he doesn't understand my point of view. He asks me to stop acting like a baby. I start hitting myself in the head and pulling my hair. He says he's sick of my nonsense, that he's sick of my self destructive ways. I cry harder. He tells me I'm mental, that my head's messed up. That hurts even more, I'm infuriated. We were outside a store. There was a big glass window. I punch the glass and the window breaks. Suddenly, we hear police cars. So we run to my house which was near, to hide.I really became someone else. That's not me! And I wasn't drunk, the alcohol had worn off already. The emotions controlled me. I feel worthless and stupid, and like I wanna die. People like me shouldn't exist, I feel like a failure of a person. I feel ashamed of who I am and what I've become. And it doesn't matter how many good qualities I have, this is just bigger. I really can't control myself in those situations and I don't know why.I wanted to break up with him so he doesn't have to put up with this anymore. But he said he doesn't want to leave me on my own. He said I can overcome this. He said I am a great woman, but that I have to realize how much self harm I'm doing to myself mentally, amotionally and even physically. He told me that I have to realize that I put us in danger last night, that we could've end up in jail. I know all this, and I feel awful, I feel like I'm the worst person that could exist. He said he's scared of the way I react. But he says he wants to help me.I don't know if we'll break up, he'll support me anyway if we do. I seriously don't wanna lose him, but I feel like I can't be this selfish and that he doesn't deserve this. he says it's so simple for me to start controlling myself. I feel lost. I don't know what to do. What can I do?
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drunk, in jail, jealous, self esteem Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Aunt Letty  +, writes (1 June 2008):
You know what things will trigger you, and that you can be out of control, accepting that is a very good start. Seek counselling, find things to channel your anger and frustration into...kickboxing for example. Your boyfriend knows that when you hear about what you feel are your inadequacies you will become angry, and yet he goes on and on about them? Not good. The two of you may be better off as friends, at least until you have learnt ways to control your temper. Good luck to you.
A
female
reader, lotus mama808  +, writes (1 June 2008):
 LOL, oops, cant, you are anon! I really want to help you, and my current partner has the same exact problem! I've learned how to help him with it, because, like you, he has had this issue since he was a baby. If you send me mail, I can write you back, I really want to help you, and I a confident that I can.
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A
female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (1 June 2008):
You need to learn a little more about yourself before you work on anger management. Realizing that you are tempermental is the first step. I'm going to send you private mail....
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