A
female
age
36-40,
*ileyt
writes:I have been married for 2 1/2 years to an alcoholic. He has tried to get sober in the past and always goes back to drinking. I have even given him the altimatum and left for 3 weeks until he stopped drinking, but he only stopped until I came home. All of our problems come back to his drinking. He says that he has stopped for good this time but I don't know what to believe and am scared that he is just going to start again and I find myself looking for receipts and searching evidence that he has. I have recently started talking to my ex whom I have always loved and cared for. He wants to get back together with me but doesn't want to break up my marriage and wants me to do what is best for me, however he doesn't think I am being treated right. Does anyone have any advice about what I should do? I'm at the point where I want to leave but then when my husband is sober I feel bad about wanting to leave. He is not the person that I married and I think that i've changed also and not sure if I love him anymore.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2009): I agree with the last writer. I am an alcoholic! I have just lost the most important thing in my life! That is my girlfriend and her kids. I was never abusive, I was always seen as that happy party guy but what I didn't realize is that I was embarrassing her! I'd do things that unconsciously was making a "show" of her.
Lately I have been blowing up at her over stupid little issues. She would ask me not to drink that much or stop drinking cause you are getting out of control. I took it as she was trying to control me but in fact i know now she actually cares and loves me and just wants me healthy!
I was in denial about the whole situation until she left me! This is when I came to realize I do in fact have a problem! I have entered AA and counselling. This was a huge awakening for me! I need to fix myself first. Unfortunately this has happened to me in the past, there is a
pattern here.
Do I blame her for leaving?
absolutly not!!!!!
I put myself in her shoes and I wouldn't want this either!
What I'm trying to say is lady's or gents LEAVE! it makes the person(me) realize that in fact I do have a problem! and I need to get my life in order to continue my relationship or in the future keep a relationship!
This is a disease! I've just come to realize it. I didn't mean to hurt anybody but I did! I did the best I could with the tools I had but those tools were broken. They are in the shop now getting fixed! Everyone tells me (including my ex.), that i'm a great guy... but you need to control your drinking.
Iknow all will end well for myself! and hopefully she and I can share the love we had without this sickness...
...only time will tell.
take care
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2009): I agree with the last writer. I am an alcoholic! I have just lost the most important thing in my life! That is my girlfriend and her kids. I was never abusive, I was always seen as that happy party guy but what I didn't realize is that I was embarrassing her! I'd do things that unconsciously was making a "show" of her.
Lately I have been blowing up at her over stupid little issues. She would ask me not to drink that much or stop drinking cause you are getting out of control. I took it as she was trying to control me but in fact i know now she actually cares and loves me and just wants me healthy!
I was in denial about the whole situation until she left me! This is when I came to realize I do in fact have a problem! I have entered AA and counselling. This was a huge awakening for me! I need to fix myself first. Unfortunately this has happened to me in the past, there is a
pattern here.
Do I blame her for leaving?
absolutly not!!!!!
I put myself in her shoes and I wouldn't want this either!
What I'm trying to say is lady's or gents LEAVE! it makes the person(me) realize that in fact I do have a problem! and I need to get my life in order to continue my relationship or in the future keep a relationship!
This is a disease! I've just come to realize it. I didn't mean to hurt anybody but I did! I did the best I could with the tools I had but those tools were broken. They are in the shop now getting fixed! Everyone tells me (including my ex.), that i'm a great guy... but you need to control your drinking.
Iknow all will end well for myself! and hopefully she and I can share the love we had without this sickness...
...only time will tell.
take care
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2009): I have been with an alcholic husband for 12 years. He was a drinker when I first met him but never was he abusive verbally or emotionally. Well he is now, We married a couple of years ago and He was in the hospital for 5 weeks almost died. The day he got home the first thing he did was have a beer. I am still in this relationship and don't understand why? Do yourself a favor and get out while you can.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009): My advice is to take some "YOU" time, with NO MEN! I've been waiting for 16 years for my alcoholic husband to stop drinking FOREVER. Well, forever never comes! I keep going back to him, he's sober for a while, he relapses, lies to me about it, until I catch him in person with that drunk ass look on his face I know too well. I'm disapointed AGAIN!
Jump off the alcoholic rollercoaster, but don't jump into another relationship so soon. Take some time for yourself. Be brave, being alone isn't so bad. It makes you stronger!
Gooood Luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2009): My exhusband was a drug addict and alcoholic, but that wasn't why I divorced him. I divorced him because of the lies, deception, and abuse (physical, verbal, emotional). I spent almost a year in therapy because I didn't want to make the same mistake. I honestly thought I was never going to get married again. I met a man six years after I had left my ex and he would compliment what a good wife I would make, what a good mother I was. After a year of dating and more than one informal proposal, I finally accepted. Two weeks after the wedding he had his first "episode" that really threw me off swearing and saying aweful things to me and about me. We now have two children together and my heart is broken. He is not an alcoholic but a child of an alcoholic. I found this posting with the keywords "husband not the same man I married" looking for some kind of guidance... for my kids I wish he was still the positive, supportive, complimentary man, but the weight is so heavy a burden to carry I'm not sure that I can carry it on much longer. I wish there was a way to heal men like this, but they really need to decide I guess to heal themselves. Why would a man lead a woman on and then turn so badly on her after the wedding vows are exchanged?
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A
female
reader, rileyt +, writes (26 May 2009):
rileyt is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers. To answer your question alphamale - Before we got married I knew that he drank and at the time he was attending meetings. Since then he has become violent (never hit me) but has broken things and put several holes in the walls and abusive to our animals. He blacks out and doesn't remember the evil things he says or does when he has been drinking now.
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A
female
reader, rileyt +, writes (26 May 2009):
rileyt is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers. To answer your question alphamale - I knew that he drank too much before we got married, at that time he had been attending meetings and he was not a mean person towards me when he drank. Since then he has became violent (never hit me) but broken things and been abusive to the animals, he blacks out when he does drink and doesn't remember the awful things that he says or does.
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A
male
reader, alphamale +, writes (26 May 2009):
Did you find out he was an alcoholic after you married him?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): I really have an aversion to the common notion that people try to change their partners.Never have I thought to change someone else, and neither have I believed one can change me. Yet, it is true that I believed my partner's problems would just go away in time, because I believed everyone is always progressing and refining.In time, I realized that most people are not striving for their best and ever-progressing. In fact, I've found most people's problems only get worse. So, in short, the idea that someone's problems will go away is a bunch of shit. On top of that, I now stand at: Whatever their problems are, they get WORSE after marriage. I too was with an alcoholic and I know that the only way to be rid of his destruction is to terminate.So far, so true.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 May 2009):
 I'm with Brit here: ) Excellent advice.
I understand why you don't want to be married to an alcoholic, I wouldn't either. You threaten to leave if he doesn't quit, but how do you really know he quit those 3 weeks? You came back and it was same ole, same ole.
He needs help. But unless HE wants that help and seeks it out, he will never stop drinking. Marriage is not a "cure" for alcoholism, neither is love.
If you can not handle being married to an alcoholic then divorce him, but don't use his disease as an excuse to get back together with your ex.
And your ex.. Isn't he an EX for a reason?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): You have two different questions here. I will deal with the question about alcoholism first...
Alcoholism is a progressive disease...it gets worse over time. The only way it can be treated, is if the person wants help. If he doesn't think he has a problem, or is unwilling to help himself, there is nothing you can do or say to "fix" him. Possibly, leaving him will be the bottom he needs to hit, inorder to recover.
And now...the ex. When you are going through what you have been going through, a sympathetic ear is so damn comforting. Before you make a decision or commitment to another person you need to heal from the present situation you are in.
Take it one step at a time. Living with an addict/alcoholic makes us sick too. Get the help you need to live a happy healthy life before you jump into another relationship.
Good Luck with whatever you decide to do!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): Drinking is an addiction.. If you want to end it, the help needs to go beyond your threats to him. It needs to be professional.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): You've been married to an alcoholic and you are currently married to an alcoholic. What's the difference? How is he not the same man you married?
You married him eventhough he had problems.. i suppose you figured you could just change them. That's a big mistake in marriage. But nontheless, you agreed to him.. agreed to love him hold him and cherish him for better or for worse.. If you, his wife, can't help him through his alcoholism, then who do you think can.. or will? Once you leave him, do you think he will be better? Do you think his lonliness and regret will lead him to stop drinking? I don't think so. I think you told hoim that you will love him till the end of time forver and ever no matter what, and now you're going back on your promise.. your vow to him.
He needs you. Maybe it's frustrating, but underkneath that alcohol, don't you still love him?
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