A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Last year I decided that in order to help my ex sort this drinking out, I had to leave him instead of letting him get away with it all the time.Now he wasn't an alcoholic, more of a binge drinker which meant he would be away from work for a few days at a time and just drinking. He was always a drinker but this had got a lot worst over the two years we were together but I honestly thought he wasn't that bad, as most people in that type of relationship do. In the end I was paying most of the bills and in the end I ended up in debt. We moved in with his parents so I could sort some of the debt out and they helped us pay a large amount of the debt off. I'm always grateful for that. When we moved into their house, he agreed he would get a job, stop drinking and help me sort out our mess. I explained to his parents that this is the last chance I would give him, but didn't tell him that thinking that it might help him get sober, which looking back was stupid.Anyway he managed to get a part time job, which meant I could stop the extra hours I was doing and we could spend more time together. As almost every penny was spent from our wages and what was left went into savings, we spent a lot of time at home, watching movies, walking the dogs, helping his parents out around the house. It was great. But then he started coming home later and later when he had been at work. He didn't smell of drink or anything but I just knew he was going to the pub after work so I went straight from work one day to the pub his friends always drank in and found him sitting at the bar. He saw me and took me outside where we had a huge fight. He told me that it was boring staying in and saving and he was bored of me. I told him he was a lousy drunk and a few other choice words. He was on the way to be drunk anyway so I took some money from my bag and threw it at him and ended it there and then.I left his parents house that night before he got home and never saw him for three weeks when he came to my sister's asking for another chance. I said no, and told him it was over. I gave him a chance.He tried to talk to me a few more times but I didn't listen. His mum and I had become friends and we often met up and she told me that he was hitting the drink hard since our break up and he was admitted to hospital at new year for drinking himself into mess over a 5 day bender. I went to see him as I was worried, still angry but worried.He asked me to help him get sober properly as his friend and like a sponsor, which I agreed as I still loved him, I just didn't like that side of him.We became friends again, and he is doing well. Now he is talking about us like we are a couple again, about getting a flat next year, holidays, even a dog! I never told him that a relationship was possible, just friendship, but I'm scared that he will hit the bottle again if I walk away again.My sister says its like he is blackmailing me with his drinking but I don't feel like that is true.I do love him, but he needs to be straight before he could even start a relationship and I'm still hurt from last year. I don't know what to do and really need some advice. Thanks in advance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2016): dont give him another chance, he needs to learn to stand on his own.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 March 2016):
 I think he is putting WAY to much responsibility onto your shoulders over HIS drinking. A binge drinker IS an alcoholic. Their pattern is different than a "normal" daily drinker. The thing that they DO have in common is that they can't stop themselves when they get started. Binge drinkers are more likely to end up in a alcohol induced coma than the "average" alcoholic.
I think you need to be honest with yourself here. While you love him, you DO NOT OWE him a relationship in hopes that he will stop drinking. THAT is manipulation or emotional blackmail from his side, when he tells you he will stop if YOU will get back together. He REALLY can't make that promise.
I also think it is a VERY bad idea for you to be his sponsor. Because AGAIN, it will lay a LOT of the responsibility of not drinking in YOUR lap, when it REALLY should be in his.
YOU can love someone, and NOT be with them again. Just saying. You can support someone you care about, and NOT be in a relationship with them.
If you consider a relationship regardless, I would give him a YEAR where HE takes 100% responsibility for his sobriety, his health and then see where you are both at. No relationship in that time. AT ALL. You can be friends if that works for you both, but anything further would be a mistake. IMHO.
And all his great ideas for apartments, vacations, getting a dog... it's nice... but for now UTTERLY unrealistic. Because the MOMENT he gets "bored" with you, and pick up drinking - the dominoes will start to fall again. Lose his job, income, depend on you financially again and he will LAY the blame for all this squarely at your feet.
HE needs to get the help for himself. HE needs to put in the work, AA meetings, getting and KEEPING a job, taking CARE of himself. 100% before you should consider Anything. And it NEEDS to be consistent. That is why I say a year.
Personally, I would NOT in a million years get BACK into a relationship with an alcoholic. You are still SO young to settle for this CARETAKER role. And HE is still so young that relapses are almost inevitable.
I think it's a BIG mistake if you believe he has totally changed after losing you, and he will now never drink again.
But I DO get that you want to help him. Unfortunately, I think all you will really do is enable him. He needs a sponsor he DOESN'T have a personal relationship with.
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A
female
reader, Pureflame  +, writes (17 March 2016):
As much as you care for him, you are not responsible for his drinking problem. It's not right for you to stay along just because he might have a relapse. If he can be sober without you, then you can consider being with him again. Otherwise, trust me, you are going to be in this whirlpool for a very long time. As much as you care, you need to let go. I do agree with your sister. Even if you might not want to see it that way, this is blackmail.
The part where he assumes you are a couple again, is just imposition.
Don't fool yourself into thinking that you're causing him to change. He is used to you and assuming you will follow along after his tantrums.
You need to be clear about you want as well. If you want to be with him or not.
Separating his drinking problem from the rest of him is just not an option. Drinking is a part of him and simply blackmailing you into "helping" him is just a show put on for you.
Making the choice to let him sort it out on his own, to me seems the best option. He should pursue you after he has a hold on his problem. Not drag you into the process, after everything.
I think you need to make it clear that you are not gonna be a couple, that he needs to earn your trust, not just assume it.
Good luck.
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