A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hi, I'm a 22 year old gay male and I think I may have a problem. I've been dealing with feelings of depression and loneliness ever since the 7th grade. Although it is a lot better now because I am more independent, they always come back. I feel like I'm gonna be alone forever, especially with the putrid state of the gay community. I'm 22 and still have never been in a real relationship with another man, or anyone for that matter. And I feel like depression never really goes away...you just distract or fool yourself for a while. And that's what I've done best. I've come to the realization that I become addicted to things just to escape reality or how i'm feeling. Back in middle school/high school it was reading, music, and the internet. Yeah, I was obsessed and addicted to those things but I'm glad because they got me through, day to day. I don't think I would've survived. Now I've developed new addictions. I've never been the one to waste money. I used to rarely drop a lot of dollars on things. But now I find myself doing retail therapy and being addicted to food. I'm spending so much money on eating out now, it's ridiculous. I never used to do that. And I find myself being addicted to certain sexual hookups. Whenever im depressed, lonely, or bored, I find myself scrolling through various online dating apps that i get constantly rejected on anyway, just to find some kind of connection. then I end up hooking up with someone and feeling disgusting and just as depressed afterwards. I'm really lucky that I'm not addicted to drugs, alcohol, or something worse. And I hope it never comes to that. But I don't know what to do about this addictive part of psyche. These things aren't as bad as drugs but they can have some terrible effects on my life as well. Can anyone help?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2017): Addiction is a strong word. Something can be habitual; but an addiction is beyond your ability to control your impulse and desire to consume a substance or perform an act. There's also something called "bad choices." I'm just saying!
If you've found a temporary/impulsive means of distraction or a way to produce dopamine; the mind will continue to demand it's ample supply. Desire can erupt into greediness or gluttony. Shopping until it hurts financially is actually self-punishment; and seeking empty hookups is risky self-destructive behavior. You have a choice.
There are more constructive ways to distract your mind; like the gym, or a hobby. Reading a book, or expression through art. Healthy physical-activity will produce "feel-good" hormones, and keep the mind alert and optimistic. So even playing a sport is good for you.
I would recommend getting yourself a pet. Long walks and outdoor exposure and activity, will make friends and friendly acquaintance along the way. The fresh air does wonders on the mind and psyche. Being a shut-in does just the opposite. You sit and mope about your imperfections and hate everybody. You turn into a troll.
Young gay people are too obsessed with finding boyfriends or girlfriends; and miss out on the easier option of just making some good friends. Friends keep your mind stimulated, give you someone to talk to, and they offer you different forms of entertainment and activities you may not come-up with yourself. Sharing time and energy should suffice with a good friend, until a love-interest finds his way to you.
If you're needy or dependent, relationships will not last. Pining for company you can cling to and smother isn't healthy. The obsession for a boyfriend leads to a series of infatuations, impetuous behavior, and cynicism. You're far too young to be cynical. I hope you always use condoms during these meaningless hookups!
These days, most millennials suffer depression because you feel so entitled to get what you want "right this instant;" that you hate and despise life. If it doesn't drop in your lap at the snap of your fingers, or at the push of a button; you resign yourself to defeat and frustration. "If I can't have it now, then I'll never get it." I call is SBS..."spoiled-brat syndrome!"
Welcome to adulthood, and the real world! Surprise!!! Surprise!!!
That entitled-mindset and narcissism has become rampant in our gay community. You described it (the gay community) as "putrid." Harsh! But to some small degree, it might be a fair observation. You're the new generation, be a revolutionary and change it!
Pessimism also runs pretty high; especially among gay youth. The world doesn't owe you or me anything. Sometimes it takes time to earn or find what you want. Some things must be earned. It also depends on how hard you work, what you need, and what you truly deserve; that may delay your dreams or blessings.
Being ungrateful tops the list! You don't stop to count your blessings or give thanks for anything.
You do have to love yourself first, then you have to have something good to bring to the table. Good and stable people, do not deserve the broken and dysfunctional. Working hard to be a good person deserves great reward. God knows!
Constantly seek self-improvement. Learn by trial and error; and the pursuit of enlightenment. Travel and explore! That is the prescribed cure. That's how you develop your tools for survival. Running to therapy for every little quirk and irritation is costly, and addictive as well. Don't reject everything your mom and dad taught you. Sometimes they're right! They have their degrees in survival and experience.
Sometimes you just have to grow-up, and face life like an adult. Nobody "promised you a rose garden."
Get out and volunteer to help others and stop wasting valuable time feeling sorry for yourself. It feeds anxiety, and it also creates bitterness. That bitterness will show in your facial-expressions, body-language, and general disposition. Then it manifests itself in reckless or bad behavior. Life has ups and downs, penalties, and rewards.
Your bad choices will make you unattractive, probably get you infected; and the bad vibe will make nice people distance themselves from you. Getting yourself in debt at your young age will ruin your credit-worthiness, and that takes a long time to repair.
So get a grip, kiddo! You've got lots of good life ahead of you. Love is evasive, and you have to be prepared. It sneaks up on you unexpectedly, and you could mess it up; because you're too busy whining and beating yourself up. If it doesn't improve you in any way, then don't do it. This is the best time of your life, you won't get it back. Better enjoy it, and stop this nonsense with feeling sorry for yourself; just because you don't have a boyfriend to lean on. You've got to know yourself first, to know what you want. You post says in great detail that you're not ready!
Rejection is a part of life. Get used to it. If you're rejected 100% of the time, figure-out why. There's a reason.
You've got some bad habits, that you're fully aware of. They have not reached addiction; if you can find ways to curb your appetites. If you eat more, workout more. If you find yourself feeling bitter, do something nice for someone you love. Make some friends, so you can fill your idle hours. Get out and enjoy being young! You get only one crack at it!
Having a boyfriend around to work 24/7 slaving at making you happy is not what love is about. You have to make him happy too! This is your time to come-up with ideas for the future.
You can help yourself, by getting up off your feelings and giving yourself a break. You're lonely because you've convinced yourself happiness is having a boyfriend. No! It is living life, enjoying freedom and independence, doing acts of kindness, making friends; and showing love to your family. That creates great side-effects and by-products; which will cause love to gravitate into your universe. This advice is based on self-experience. I'm gay too! Been there and done that, kiddo!
A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (23 March 2017):
 Swap your bad addictions for good ones, things which can become good habits. Go to the gym - in fact do anything physical - anything from walking to surfing, depending where you live.
If you take up a hobby you will quickly be accepted by other enthusiasts. I don't know what that might be for you? However I would say it is worth trying things you might not have previously considered just for the hell of it. You never know, you might just like it.
Having a pet like a dog isn't for everyone because of where he lives or his lifestyle. Dogs rely on you. They need exercise, but they give unqualified devotion in return for so little.
You seem to be looking under stones for your answer. Swap it around and look upwards. Be a better you.
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