A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have written before about a teacher's assistant that I have developed feelings for. He is a Ph.D candidate and I am in my senior year. We are both very shy people but we have been warming up to each other, being more familiar and communicating more often by email. I can see it going somewhere after the class ends if one of us is bold enough to make a move. But there is a problem....I don't feel that I have been doing well in the class, in which he evaluates me. I feel embarrassed somewhat by my performance, which has made me feel the instinct to pull away from him. I am not failing, just doing mediocre. I guess I feel the need to withdraw from him a little because he is so intelligent and I figure he would not want to be with someone mediocre. I am also used to doing well and being in control and in this situation I am not.I don't know what to do. I really like this guy and I can see it progressing but I am embarrassed and feel the urge to turn and run the opposite direction because I feel like he will refuse me sooner or later. Does this make sense to anyone?And before you suggest, just to do better in class, like is it so easy and I lack the discipline, it is not easy and I am actually trying to do better. I just worry that despite his interest in me now, it will very soon go away.What should I do? I fear that my marginal performance will turn him off, that he will not think I am smart enough. I also don't know how we should progress things from a professional relationship to a romantic one since we are both shy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2009): (From the author of the post):Thank you both so much for your kind words and encouragement. You both gave sound words of advice. I am very mindful of his position and I don't want to cause either one of us to be in a compromising position. I will wait until the class ends and then feel out the situation. I sort of feel that he should be the one to make the first move (i.e. invitation to coffee or something) because he is in the superior role and has to set the parameters of what is acceptable. This is my personal feeling though. My fear is that I could verbalize my feelings and he would decline for some reason: job, maybe girlfriend; and then I would be "the girl who asked him out" and feel like a joke.Again, I really appreciate the time and consideration you both lent to my dilemma!!! Kind regards....
A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (9 November 2009):
 Firstly, just because he is doing a PhD does not make him Einstein and you should get him down off that star-like platform you have built for him. I am sure he is probably intelligent and hard-working (the latter being a fairly essential requirement for the mental torture of a PhD). But that doesn't mean he can judge the mortals around him for being lesser beings and if he makes you feel this way then you need to think hard about his personality and potential for friendship or more. If you enter a relationship with issues about not being very academic then I think it would be doomed. He maybe good at his subject, but not very practical or gifted in other ways - many PhD candidates are very specialised in their knowledge and ability. If you think you are struggling with the class concentrate on catching up or asking the course leader for help. Secondly, there maybe rules at your college about relationships between staff and students. He maybe a student but he probably also have an employment contract for his teaching work. It is frowned upon in some academic circles to date students or colleagues (although it does happen!) and banned in some work places because of management worries about sexual harassment claims. I would think carefully about that - I was dragged into teaching at the University where I did a PhD and there was a male student who also loitered after class trying to flirt. I didn't respond even though if I met him in a bar then I may have been tempted as I was single at the time. I think if you like him then you would leave it until you are no longer being taught by him as you don't want to damage his reputation as an academic before he even gets started.
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A
female
reader, Good Girl +, writes (9 November 2009):
 I don't really know how to properly frame this answer so I'll just be blunt. Sometimes men like to have a margin of superiority in some departments. That makes them feel a bit more comfortable in the "you needing them" department. Everyone, no matter how intellectual still has the instincts that natural selection has provided for us, no matter how we try to dampen them with political correctness etc.. If your feelings are genuine then of course that is going to effect your performance. After the class ends, all you have to do is tell him how you feel. There are many factors that will influence his decision to be with you, but the greatest one will be the feeling in his heart, not your GPA. Get good grades for you, love for the both of you. Try not to worry or be afraid. That is the largest obstacle to even lovers who are not shy. Good luck in class and love!
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