A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, Im just seeking stories of others if anyone has gone through something similar. It would be comforting to hear, as I know there is little to be done about my current family situation.Last year I decided to cut contact with my father due to him being violent and psychologically abusive. My brother already cut contact with him some years earlier, at which point my father terrorized me as "revenge" I guess, because he was angry at my brother. He would Call relentlessly, make demands, talk down my brother and myself (he found ways to blame me for my brothers actions), just being a shit really. I would hang up the phone and he would keep calling and calling only to yell at me.I finally found the courage to cut the contact with my father, but what I feared would happen has happened. He's probably been terrorizing the rest of the family (like he terrorized me when my brother cut him off). So now, the rest of our family on the father side, will not talk to neither me or my brother. Before I cut contact, they still talked to my brother, but it appears me cutting him off escalated things. I had hoped, really hoped, that my aunts would take our side in this, as they all know our father is mentally ill and he is abusive towards them as well. But my brother told me that our aunt had said she would stop talking to us because all we did was attack our father. Im getting married next year, and there will be no one there from my fathers side of the family. We, the children, are being punished because he is an abuser. It's so unfair, and it makes me both angry and sad. I knew I risked losing half of my family when I cut out my father, but I couldn't allow myself to be held "hostage" in the toxic family situation any longer. It just hurts, you know. So I would apprechiate it if anyone who has gone through the same/similar would share with me their story.
View related questions:
violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2019): My elder sister (four years older) and myself were both psychologically abused by both of our parents; with my sister, though, my father became physically abusive and was absolutely horrible to her, eventually she had a breakdown at 17. Meanwhile, he was 'nice' to me (whilst mixing this with abusive behaviour) but this caused huge resentment from my mother - her abuse towards me escalated beyond the abuse she gave out to my elder sister, probably because she was jealous and insecure about the way that our father seemed to 'love' me.However, we have a younger sister who is ten years younger than me. She was never directly abused by either of our parents. Instead, she was very much the 'golden girl' who could never do anything wrong. In short, my parents 'twigged' they had been terrible parents to their first two daughters and that, as far as the larger family were concerned, the best thing to do was to blame my sister and I, and favour the younger sister, so that the family really would believe my elder sister and I were at fault all along. It meant that my mother and father could keep up the pretence, to the rest of the family, that they had been good parents all along, and allowed them to act as victims.Very tragically, my younger sister never questioned this. I have not seen her for 11 years now, no contact at all. Not only did she repeat the abusive behaviour or my mother, towards me and also towards my daughter, but she absolutely would not tolerate even the slightest attempt, on my part, to talk about how differently we had been treated by our parents. She would only ever use me for support when she needed it, offer absolutely nothing in return and give out psychologically abusive behaviour at every turn. She would continually try to 'frame' me badly, to anyone and everyone that she could - to the extent that this became absurd. Several people I have never met, who live in a little village in the Midlands, will all think that I am evil simply because my younger sister has framed me in that way. The kinder and more patient I was, the more she took this as evidence that she was superior to me and my elder sister and the more she took it as evidence that I had behaved badly towards my parents and family and her. It was absolutely impossible to move forward into a positive relationship with her.So, the reason I'm writing this is not because my story is the same as yours, but it may provide a kind of comparison - another example of how family abuse can divide families and turn family members against one another. It's extremely sad. I think of my original family every day, and still struggle to move onwards into a better space. The most important things though - literally for the sake of your own sanity and your future children - is never to start believing the things that your parents say about you and never to repeat the same pattern with your own kids. You can reflect on it, weigh up if there is any merit at all in what they say, but never let it undermine you to the point where you start to believe it - this is what happened to my elder sister, and it literally drove her mad. She's never recovered, her life is ruined.The entire original family believe she is inherently 'evil', because they've no idea what my parents, my father in particular, put her through. That's what parental abuse can do.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2018): Just because it's family we believe we have to accept the abuse, we don't. No good banging your head against a brick wall, never do or will these people understand, they do not have the emotional capacity to even recognise that they are hurting people who they are supposed to love. Some of us had double trouble, both parents and have to learn to survive by having a switch off button to keep sane. Get out of the toxic family and false belief systems, including the extended family members. It's you and it's about survival in this sad world, self preservation, inner peace in your own solitude to heal yourself and heal others. Leave their shadows with them, they get mighty heavy carry them over the years...time to shed.Leave on a good note if possible and rebuild your true self.Happy new year!
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (29 December 2018):
 This may have all happened last year but it's still very recent.
First of all, remember that you're free. You no longer have to humour anyone or swallow your anger for the sake of peace.
Those relatives who choose to keep their distance from you do so, not because they believe your father, they don't, but because it is, in the short term, safer to side with him than with you. Secretly, most of them envy you and they're likely angry with you for having the courage to do what they do not. You don't have to convince anyone and trying to do so only weakens your position.
The most important part of the wedding is BEING married, not GETTING married. Think forward to the rest of your lives together, not one party. All this stress about dresses and catering, and the song list is all superficial stuff. Keep it simple and don't clutter it up by including those who take away from the quality of your life. Some of them may come around later, but at least they didn't get to spoil your wedding before they did.
Your father doesn't behave this way because he's sick, but because he's an asshole. The difference between a real illness and a made up one is revealed by who suffers most. With cancer, autism, Down's syndrome, MS etc, it's the person who has it who is most vulnerable. With bad behaviour dressed up as illness, it's everyone around them who is at risk.
Your father has enough self control to select the safest targets for his aggression.
You did the right thing. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that nothing lasts forever. Not the good or the bad. You'll get through it and everything will work out just fine.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (28 December 2018):
 I have been on DC for a very long time OP and I will say this over and over again. You don't get to chose your family. Friends yes, partners yes. Family? Its the luck of the draw. Some people get fabulous parents/siblings. Some of us don't.
I am one of those that didn't get the wonderful fabulous mom that many people are so very blessed to have. I love my mother, I respect her for being my mother, but I don't like her very much. We have had a very long and troubled relationship. I have learned to expect her to do the things that she does and no longer question or blame myself. She's that type of person.
People that have loving caring parents truly don't understand what its like and make comments that I can tell they don't get it. I DO.
I am in my mid 50's and yes, I am still hurt by the things my mother does. I understand what you are going through and how you feel. My advice to you is that you can't change your father/family members. They are who they are, and they do the things that they do because ??? Sometimes we know, sometimes we don't.
Its alright to step back and distance yourself from people that hurt you. I don't care if its your family. If they are hurting you, then you have a right and a duty to protect yourself. If someone is going to make you unhappy and go out of their way to hurt you, why should you subject yourself to that?
I have bit my turn and turned the other cheek so many times and spent countless hours crying and trying to understand why my mother treats me the way she does. I finally had to just put distance between her and I. Yes it hurt and it wasn't easy but I had to do it for myself.
I suggest you do the same. I even explained to my mother that "You hurt me. I don't know why, but you seem to enjoy the drama. I don't. I love you but I will not let you continue to do this to me". I still call her but I keep the calls short and very polite. The minute she tries to start something up, I explain that I have to go. I hang up. My life goes on.
Do what makes you happy sweetie. You deserve happiness. I wouldn't want family like yours at my wedding. A wedding day is a celebration..to be with those that love you and want your to be happy. Not bring you down.
Good luck. I know how hard it is because we are brought up and it is ingrained in our heads "Love your family". Well what if you have family that is unloveable??? It happens. Be happy. Life is short. Don't have people in your life that make you unhappy. If you know you have tried and tried with these people and they still cause you pain, its ok to step back. Let them be unhappy without involving you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2018): At the end of the day you're an adult and if you feel that it is for the best that you cut off contact with your father then you stick by it and not be bullied into doing what others want you to do.
I have always struggled with my father in terms of getting on so i can relate to you. At the end of the day you are getting married and will have your own family, what is the option here you back down and have your own family at your wedding no doubt spoiling your day?
You know the truth here so have no reason to feel bad, maybe talk through it with a Counsellor if that helps to find peace with the decisions you have made.
Personally by how they sound i wouldn't want them at my wedding, you can have a perfectly lovely day if you plan it to suit you.
Of course as always we just have your side so as i said if that is the truth of it then do you feel you made the right decision? If you don't have to think about whether you did or not hand on heart that is your answer..
...............................
|
