A
female
age
41-50,
*atie32
writes:My partner of 6 years has just finished a Law degree and uni. In his last year he bacame close friend with a girl on his course. She is 21 and he is 40. She has a boyfriend with whom she lives.I looked at his mobile in November of last year and found that while studying at uni they would both go for coffee or lunch etc. All the texts that they send to each other were during 'office hours' - so no sneaky phone calls or texts at odd hours. I started to get upset about this and felt that their relationship was odd. It got to the point that he realised I looked at his phone and to cut a long story short, we broke up before Christmas. After I moved out it was as if once I shut the front door he was texting, emailing and phoning her all the time (not sure if they met up outside of uni though). BUT, during all this he and I were still haveing tea together, having sex, spent Christmas together and then went on holiday together and in the new year finally got back together which we were both really happy about.He has still been texting her and as far as I am aware they were still having lunch and coffee at uni. However, he deletes selected texts from his telephone. None of the texts that he keeps are suspicious but it's the ones that he doesn't keep that make me suspicious!! I am so paranoid and insecure that I am falling into a depression . I see no need for them to be in touch now that they have finished uni.... what could they possibly have in common???This morning i looked at his phone and they texted yesterday and he sent one saying' when you get back from your hols we will have to catch up xxx' It's driving me mad. When I looked at his message log it showed that he had deleted the subsequent text .. So what were they saying!!!I can't talk to him as he just tells me I am freaking out and trys to reassure me that she is a friend. I am dreading finding out that they have met up without telling me as I WILL consider that to be cheating.Please gove me some advice as I am going crazy over this and can only see it ending in tears. For the record, I DON'T think that they have 'done anything' they shouldn't have if you know what I mean!
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broke up, christmas, got back together, has a boyfriend, insecure, moved out, on holiday, she has a boyfriend, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2008): Put yourself in his shoes. If you had a friend who was male and younger, and the friendship was purely platonic, and your partner was getting paranoid and checking your phone every day, wouldn't you delete texts too? Even if they didn't text at all I get the feeling that you'd think he deleted them all, even if they didn't exist!
They do have something in common - they both went to the same uni and as far as I can tell both did a law degree?
If there's one thing that's absolutely guaranteed to drive the two of you apart it's your paranoia. Both he and she have partners - why would either of them want to go and spoil a couple of otherwise happy relationships?
I have a few female friends myself and there's absolutely nothing sexual about those friendships - such friendships do exist.
I think you need to back off or else he will - from you.
A
female
reader, Brigid +, writes (17 June 2008):
I have to agree that I would find this behaviour disturbing as well.I think that the first thing you should do is sit down and talk to him. You need to tell him that this is driving you crazy (which he obviously already knows) but that you want to work this out. Try suggesting that you all meet up together, your partner and yourself, her and her boyfriend. This way you could perhaps see the 'friendship' at first hand and that may put your mind at rest. It would certainly make everyone aware of each other and take away the clandestine aspect that it currently has.If your partner refuses to do this then I would seriously question his motives. Maybe he likes the quodos of hanging around with a 21 year old - which would be a bit sad! Maybe he feels that his uni life should be kept seperate from you, which is worrying again.I think that if you suggest a meeting of all of you, you should be able to judge from his reaction what the state of play is. If he thinks it's a great idea then you will have to swallow your feelings and try to find out what's so great about her as a friend - you may be pleasantly surprised. If he won't go for it then you have solid grounds on which to question his motives.Good luck, keep us posted.
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