A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years but he's so damaged I'm ready to throw in the towel. His entire life has been a fucked up mess and he refuses to do anything about it. I'm going to tell you about his childhood/past relationships first and then I'll share our relationship with you.First, when he was a kid his mother would give him money and tell him to get lost. He had NO ONE show him love throughout his childhood, no one. His mother was an alcoholic who sold weed/pills out of their house which led my boyfriend down that path. He eventually got sent to live with his father, who beat him with an object that to this day has left body scars. He also was told that his father raped him, but he told me it wasn't true and that he's pretty sure he'd know if that happened. He's mentioned it twice since we've been together, though. His mother and father have passed away over the last few years and his only brother commited suicide when he was a teenager. At an early age he was already going down the wrong path. I try to keep these things in mind and keep giving him love but I'm exhausted.He's never had a successful relationship because he abandons everyone he gets with. He gets close to them and then gradually he goes missing days at a time and just wasn't there for them as he should have been and as a result they all cheated on/left him. He's 36 and had 8 relationships/sex partners, including me. One of them he was married to from age 17-21. Another one he was with for around 3 years and she treated him pretty badly, it appears. The longest relationship he's had has been with me. He's told me numerous times that the women he's been with has pretty much just fallen in his lap. He said they were there and persuing him and he thought why not. He also claims he's not worried about having someone. He's told me that he never goes looking for a woman, they approach him and that he'd be fine with porn, weed and an xbox. It's like he doesn't even want anything emotional yet there's times we've been watching a love story (the notebook in particular) and during certain romantic scenes he'd stare at the screen and smile at the "loving" couple. I know he wants it, but he has no idea what he's doing 'cause when he gets someone he bails on them.He currently has no job, is living with his friend and his friends mother, has had no car during our entire relationship. He's had jobs but the longest they last is around a year. He either quits or gets fired. He's addicted to weed, been smoking it all is life. He spends every dime he gets on a dime. He goes to the hospital numerous times in order to get pills in which he trades/sells for more weed. He's 20k behind in back owed child support for a child that isn't his. He was told it was, signed the certificate, then told the truth and he hasn't done anything to correct it. He likes the idea of having a child, even though it isn't his so his child support keeps racking up. All he does lately is stay up all night playing xbox, sleep all day and then repeat. In his defense, he does start a new job tomorrow, though.Now onto our relationship. He has problems. That's pretty much it. He told me last weekend that he'd never fallen in love with anyone until I came along. He said that I'm so different. He told me that he's never had anyone show him love like I do and how no one has ever been affectionate with him so he has no idea what to do. This is true. He's completely clueless when it comes to affection and being romantic. He then started telling me things he loves about me. He hardly ever opens up. But the problem is that he still abandons me sometimes. He's here and then he's not. He contacts me everyday but he's emotionally disconnected most of the time. He thinks that hearing he loves me everyday is enough, but it isn't. At this exact moment I haven't heard from him in almost 24 hours. He's always off playing xbox, or trying to find a way to get weed. When he's "missing" I have no idea where he's at or what he's doing. He comes back and acts like nothing happened. This disappearing habit happened in the beginning stages of our relaionship but it slowly got worse over the years. He kept the weed/pill addiction from me for the first 2 years of our relationship thinking I'd leave him. His life is a complete mess and he makes no effort to change it. He'd rather whine about it and get sympathy than to actually fix anything. I love him, he does have good qualities if he'd apply his fucking self. God, this pisses me off. I try to get him to go to school, nope. I try to get him to apply at places he has actual experience where he'd make decent money, nope. I'm trying to help this man get his shit together.... NOPE. When it comes to being intimate with him, sex is fine. The best I've had but I think that's just because I'm in love with him. I hardly orgasm with him but did everytime in one of my previous relationships, so it's my love for him that makes it the best. Being affectionate with him is usually ME doing the work, though. He often puts his back to me and tells me to hold him. I've researched this as a sign the man needs love. Now, he does hold me sometimes but it's nowhere near as much as I do him. I feel like he's a child crying out to be loved but no matter what anyone does, nothing works. He's a product of his environment. Hardship is all he knows. I'm exhausted from "loving him". I'm one step away from my breaking point. :(
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (22 November 2014):
 Give me one good reason why you're with this guy. What exactly is he giving you? No love, no affection, no security, no safety, no stability, no support of ANY kind. He's just there doing what he wants and you're tagging along with him in what you think is a relationship. Yes, he does have a relationship but its between him and his weed, NOT with you. He has nothing to do with you, you've just fallen into his lap like all the others and he's just with you because you're not quitting the relationship. You have to realize that you cant change an addict OP, you're just fighting a lost cause.
"I feel like he's a child crying out to be loved but no matter what anyone does, nothing works"
No OP, he's not the child waiting to be loved, YOU are. He isn't much concerned about you, YOU'RE the one running after him and then you complain that he's not paying attention to you! He doesn't even *want* the relationship, he couldn't be bothered as long as he has his porn, weed and xbox...in your own words. You are the one who's hankering after something that you've romanticized way too much in your head. You don't even orgasm from sex but you keep telling yourself that you love him and thats why the sex is good!
Stop living in an illusion OP; its not helping you in any way. This guy is damaged and its not up to you help him.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 November 2014):
 So you went on a resque mission, only to find that the subject is quite happy with his mess and misery, and has no intent to better anything. So what do you do? Insist that he needs help? Honey, you list up a lot of things you think he needs help with, things he "suffer" from, and you describe how you have tried, for years, to love/help him into being a better person. But, you see, he doesnt want your help. Hes fine paying child support for a kid that isnt his! He is fine with no job and no car! He doesnt need or want you. He daid himself he is fine without a relationship.
So what do you say? After 5 years, shall we give up this rescue mission, and take his word for it? He is happy the way things are. Otherwise he, as a bloody adult, has the means to help himself. You are the one who is miserable. This is enough for him, but it is not enough for you. You are about to give up, you say. But I wonder why you even set out on this misdion in the first place. After two years you knew it all... And decided to stay and love him into a better person. But you see, you cant make someone change, no matter how much love you offer them.
Love yourself a little bit more than you love him, abd rescue yourself aeay from this before you get dragged down even further. Let himbe, he wants to be who he is. He doesnt want to get rescued.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2014): Thanks for the replies. When I first met him he had a job, his own place and seemed like a normal man. He has good qualities and the ability to do things, if he would. He's smart, funny, a great people person. He has cooking abilities and even went to cooking school for a year (which he dropped out of). I wasn't really aware of his baggage until years into our relationship. He held down the job for at least a year of us dating. He kept his addictions hidden until appx. 2 years in. I didn't find out he was that far in back child support until THIS year. Over the last couple of years things have really started getting worse. One thing here and another thing there. Or maybe my patience has just now started wearing thin.I love him. I love things about him but he's messed up. He just doesn't act "right" sometimes. He's said before he thinks he's bipolar but hasn't checked into it. He has Crohn's disease and suffers with that the majority of the time too. There's just SO many things anymore going on that I can't find peace or happiness. I know he can't help the Crohns, and I'm totally supportive in that regard but there's just so much bullshit it seems I deal with now. I know that deep down inside all he wants is someone to be there, to love him and not leave him like everyone else has...... but it's hurting me at the same time to do it. I've been doing it for years and I'm just tired now I guess. I don't want to be like everyone else and give up on him but I don't know what to do. I'm not happy anymore. I wish he'd get help. :(
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2014): I'm not sure what attracted you to someone with such a background. If you want a "fixer-upper;" buy a house and renovate it to your personal satisfaction. You're sure to gain a return for the investment.
If you want love in exchange for taking in a damaged creature; adopt a rescue animal. They are more appreciative of the effort someone makes to make them feel loved.
Adopt, foster, or mentor a lonely or abused child. They deserve love; because love has healing effect on abused and neglected children. More so than on adults, who must do everything they can to earn and sustain it.
Adults with the types of problems your boyfriend has require professional-help and years of rehabilitation. They have to seek their own road to salvation, and want to be helped.
Writing such a long passage was good for you. It allowed you to vent all that is heaped on top of you; but nothing you described is really your problem; nor your responsibility to fix.
In fact, you listed more than enough reasons you should have have run for the hills the minute you set eyes on him.
You listed a lot of excuses for why he's an asshole. People do come out of such situations just fine. If they don't, they are given the option to seek help, and do the best they can to live a reasonably happy and functional life.
They learn to love, and earn it in return. Giving it to them for no reason just isn't smart. Putting up with their mistreatment is stupid.
You made a deliberate choice to bring him into your life.
You've offered brilliant testimony as to why you should kick him not only to the curb; but off the edge of the planet.
You're ready to give up? Why did you bother in the first place?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2014): You need to step back and think about your own life. What are your goals, what do you want out of life? I think you have lost yourself trying to "fix" someone else. Move on and concentrate on your own life. His life will never get better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2014): Save yourself, easier said than done but your never going to get anywhere with this man. He sees you more as a mother figure I think and yes your right he does sound messed up and he will just drain you emotionally. You cant help him he would have to want to do that himself and he obvviously does not want to. Things
are not going to change.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2014): Why are you still with him, he puts no effort at all into your relationship, and talks badly about all his previous partners, that's not a good trait in a partner.
He also doesn't seem to want to put any effort into getting help, if he won't help himself why should you.
Leave him.
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