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female
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anonymous
writes: My very comfortable 20 year marriage crashed last year - we started sleeping separately, very much going sep ways and agreed to try an open relationship. One year later we still have a bond between us that stops us from separating completely but I am now very much in love with a poor man who has slept separately to his wife for over 2 years - they have 4 children. They have an understanding that they take care of the children together but dont question how they live their lives. I get on very well with his wife and children. With the man, the relationship can be very volatile at times so I am uncertain of him but we have a very special feeling, care and respect for each other and so the sex is wonderful. I would like to live alone and maintain this relationship as it is now. It is right and clear his children come first but we would both like to be able to live together one day. I dont know how we could do this as I have not worked for 20 years and so would likely always be dependant on my husband and my man is so poor. My husband is involved with a woman he says he will never have a long term relationship with as he is still very much hoping that I will be able to have sex with him again. I am not sure how I would feel in the future but now I dont think I can have sex with my husband again but at this time I dont want to hurt his feelings by telling him. I also value the bond between us and cannot give up on the marriage so easily when I think what a good husband he has been in many important ways - he also gives me a wonderful lifestyle. I have put the relationship with the other man on hold while I try to see if my marriage still has any chance. When we have the chance I find the time with my husband is strained. There is no more intimacy or fun. He is out a lot. I am afraid of leaving my secure world with my husband even though our relationship is so much in crisis. My alternative is so very uncertain and much less comfortable but I have so much happiness with my other man. I cannot make any decision until I am 100% sure of myself but without knowing how I will feel in the future, how can I know I am making the right choices? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2006): This is i have to say the biggest most scariest thing for a married woman,Too leave the nest when you have no fondation to go to, for you never worked, or learned how to care for yourself, the woman always puts family first in any circumstance.
So being someone who last year ,had the same complexities of this, i will first say, your gonna have to pull your boot straps up and , get a job, before you do anything else ,that is going to have to be the first thing.
Once you get a job, you meet new people, your self esteem goes higher, your attitude totally changes as your outlook on your situation will change aswell.
Once working for a bit , then i would suggest the open talk with your husband of 20 years, explain how things are, i beleive i used the terms i will love you till the day i pass, but i lost the *in love feeling* with you over the last 4 years,he was 10 years older then me, so the age gap kinda started to show more as we got older.Actully talking to him and being very honest and open with him, he was very understanding and we are still very good friends today.
Then as you live a seperate life from your husband, and you become more adjusted to taking care of yourself for a change, then you might be stable enough to worry about running to another man.
I would have to say learn to take care of yourself, be independent for awhile, you will then have a clear head to realise who is suited to have you or not.
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