A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Two friends of mine are currently having "fun" with each other. The guy is one of my best friends, and the girl is his coworker. She's not looking for a relationship right now, and he's simply living in the moment. What's confusing my friend (and myself since he tells me everything) is her behavior towards him in private vs public. In private, she acts all needy and girlfriend-ish. For example, she texts him where she is, about who he's with, what he's doing. She even acts all jealous when he hangs out with other girls. They aren't even together! In public, they act all flirty. People in the office assume they are together, but she keeps deny that there is nothing going on between them. Obviously, my poor best friend is completely confused. They talked about this, and she keeps telling him that she has no feelings towards him, and yet she acts like a girlfriend!!?!? I love my friends and I want them to be happy, but she's plainly sending him mix signal, and he's stupid for letting her do this to him. He was suppose to stop all this flirting because of a significant event that happened between them, but a few days ago, they started flirting again like before. He keeps saying that he's going to play her mind games, but this will just end in disaster. What should I tell him? What is it with her?
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male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (6 February 2013):
 "He thinks he can play her games"
I just wanted to say, she will win. Women are much better at these "games" than men are (generally). He will lose.
The only way a man can win is by not playing the game at all.
Tell him to get out there and date other women and just withdraw from this arrangement quietly.
If she were to flirt with me I'd start to disregard her flirting playfully as she does it. "Are you flirting with me again?", "I don't blame you but I've heard all this before" and smile. He'll appear confident (even if he isn't) and she'll wonder whether he still likes her. Stop giving her all his attention and start giving other girls his attention. Don't see her every single time she wants to see him just say "I'm busy". Let her wonder what's going on and in the meantime go talk to other girls.
A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (6 February 2013):
"What I don't understand however is that she overtly acts flirty with him in front of people, but still refuse to acknowledge something is going on? Why does she even do it in the first place if she doesn't want people to think they are together?"
She flirts because she can. It must be nice for her to have her cake and eat it too. He's good for her confidence, by flirting overtly in public but denying anything is going on she is saying "look at me, this guy is hooked yet I couldn't care less about him, I'm holding out for something better".
I pity the guy and if he were a friend of mine I'd tell him to man up. By all means, be seen talking to her and making her laugh, then go and chat to other women. He needs to find someone who wants to be with him and not her bit on the side. Girls will see him chatting to her and making her laugh which makes him more attractive. However, by being Mr Wimpy or Mr Sap he is making himself look like a wet lettuce.
I don't understand why he puts up with it. It's about time he grew a pair and took control of his own love life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks anone_e_mouse! I agree that my male friend is a bit stupid for keeping this going. He thinks he can play her games, but it's just too stupid and immature. Clearly, she wants a FWB.
What I don't understand however is that she overtly acts flirty with him in front of people, but still refuse to acknowledge something is going on? Why does she even do it in the first place if she doesn't want people to think they are together?
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (30 January 2013):
Basically, in private she's happy to use him for sex. In public, she doesn't want to be associated with him because she doesn't want to be with him. She's looking for a boyfriend and the FWB is a filler until she does.
How can your best friend be confused? It's ONLY a FWB arrangement and nothing more. He's stupid if he thinks this is anything more than FWB.
Perhaps your friend naively thought being FWBs would lead to something more? However, a FWB is a FWB and will never go any further.
Sounds to me like your male friend wants more and she doesn't.
Personally, I wouldn't want to get involved in a FWB arrangement in the first place. FWB says "I like you as a friend, I don't fancy you (or want to be with you) but we can have sex". It's a waste of time for him if he's hanging on for more. He could be out there dating girls and meeting nice ones who want to be with him.
She's having her cake and eating it. He is letting her. Simple.
The way I would deal with it is I would back off (if I were your male friend) and not engage in this FWB any more. Just withdraw quietly. Don't say anything. Just focus on meeting other girls. She can chase me if she wants but I won't back down, I'll get out there and date other girls who want to be with me (not FWBs).
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