A
female
age
36-40,
*andomgirl
writes:I have been with my current boyfriend for four months. He was an acquaintance who I knew as a friend of several different friends of mine, one of which he was involved in a casual sexual relationship with for about a month. He needed a house to stay at for a couple of months and I had a spare room so I offered for him to rent it while he needed to. During this time we became quite close and started a casual sexual relationship. During this time he had stopped sleeping with my friend but was seeing another girl and slept with another as well. (He has a rather promiscuous past) Over this period of time,we realised that we had rather strong feelings for each other and after much debating and talking it over, he asked me out. We are both completely and utterly smitten and I do not believe he would ever cheat on me. His friends, my friends, himself and his parents all agree that he seems to have found something with me that he's never had before. We are amazingly compatible and I really can see a future as he is loving, doting and has completely turned a corner with me. However, I simply cannot shake the fact that he has in the past had meaningless sexual encounters with many of his female friends (of which he has lots) and even with my friend. I can't help but feel extremely jealous to the point where it feels unhealthy,even though I have no doubt that I am the only person he wants. I am also aware that he has had very adventurous sex in the past and girls who have been at a porn star level of skilled. Although he says that our sex life is great and I find it to be the best I've had, I can't help but feel that I can never live up to his previous experiences.All of these problems are all in my own head, how can I stop myself from sabotaging this wonderful relationship with my own paranoia and jealousy?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2013): I had to answer this when I saw it because I was in the exact same position as you just a few months ago. I would take out all of my insecurities on him because of his past. Eventually I realised that I couldn't keep doing it to myself, or him, so I tried absolutely everything I could think of to help me get over it. I would ask him not to talk about his past 'encounters' but then that only made me more jealous because I then felt as though he would be thinking about them but he wouldn't tell me. So I asked him to reassure me that he's past it and I just thought he was lying. I even asked him to tell me what he loved about me but it felt too forced. At this point I knew that nothing he could do would help me and that it was all on me - I just had to work on my confidence. So Everytime I saw one of those girls I would tell myself that I was prettier and more confident than her (even though I didn't believe it), Everytime I heard about them I would remind myself of everything I have that she could only dream of, including my boyfriend. Things got a lot better for us after that. Although it sounds ridiculous, it's the only thing that could have possibly helped me in that situation. I started to believe that I was prettier and more confident than those other girls. Just telling myself that a few times a week helped me so much, with my confidence and my relationship. What you also have to remember is that he loves you. It's clear he does otherwise he wouldn't be with you. If he thought you weren't as good for him as someone else was then he would have left you by now. I truly believe that just telling yourself the basic facts really does help.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2013): I went to this question immediately because of the title; i'm sabotaging (or already have sabotaged) my relationship with my boyfriend over paranoia and jealousy, but instead of HIM being the 'gigolo' I was the one who slept with several of his friends and other people that he knew, before we started dating. It was a very rough way to start the relationship for HIM, psychologically, and it proves that he has really high self-esteem, that he actually handled it that well. Because I couldn't have. and we've been together for 2 years.The point is that I'm practically MORE jealous and insecure in the end, because his sexual prowess combined with the knowledge that he hates my past and one day may want to get his little revenge, makes it equally as bad for me in a twisted sort of way. Like imminent danger approaching, one day in the future. It's the karma I have to pay for my mistakes, for being promiscuous. And yes, he still does regularly destroy me with a recap of all of the mistakes I made, makes me feel guilty.You should tell your boyfriend how you feel, elucidate it completely like that last paragraph in your question. Be honest and detailed. He will make extra efforts to make you feel safe and secure if he loves you, because if he LOVES you he won't want his loved one to feel like crap with paranoia/jealousy haunting her 24/7. I always try to make my boyfriend feel 'safe' in that respect, to not torment him. I would never step out of line.
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