A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My 19-year-old daughter told me she's dating a 51-year-old man, and wants to marry him and have his children, and he agrees....She told us he wanted to meet us, and we did, 2 months after they first started dating. [it had been secret until now]. Our daughter's in university studying for a chemistry degree, she intends to work in the Castner-Kellner process locally so that's why she went for this qualification, she's always been academically minded and had high grades.She also told us this man has no ex-wife no kids and is very physically active [runs a local gym] and has a great personality. He certainly seemed that way when he met us. They met during a local event where he was promoting his gym on a stall, selling memberships.My daughter also said he's never been married but has had longterm relationships over the years.He doesn't look 51, he looks more like he's 32 insteadI'm a little bit concerned though... he's 3 years older than her own dad - I'm 44, my husband's 48, and she's told me she loves him for who he is, not a father figure. He does seem genuinely in love with her and not just treating her as a trophy wife/girlfriend but as a person instead.Apparently they both want kids within 3 - 4 years, and she doesn't care that he'll be 61 when they're 10!I'm worried, not just due to the age gap but rather the fact she wants kids too with a much older man at her age. I'm just concerned about her future, laconically speaking.I dont want to tell her how to live her life, I just want her to have all her options open to her.What can we as a family do about this situation?
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female
reader, Kindpigeonette  +, writes (12 February 2013):
I don't know about your daughter, but if you say he is 51, but looks 32 then at least we can agree that you can make an appointment to get your brain AND eyes checked.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (29 January 2013):
 I watched a show yesterday on National Geograph8ic channel called Taboo. One of the pieces was about a couple where he is 32 years younger than his wife of 11 years. The wife is TEN YEARS OLDER than his parents... and they were not happy but they learned to love and accept their son and his choice.
They talked about how it's ok for MEN to be older than women but that women being older than men is still MORE taboo than this HUGE age gap. So imagine if it was your 19 yr old son and a 51 year old woman. NO grandchildren there....
Yes it's a HUGE gap... but who are we to say it's not true love....
Age gaps are a sore spot with me because we get hammered all the time about it. However, if all parties are of legal age, there is not much you can do or say that will change anything.
Age gaps can work. Yes they have a huge gap. Yes if she stays with him she will be a young widow possibly with small children. IF it gets to that point hopefully he will make proper arrangements for her financial support after his demise.
Love her, support her. But make her realistic.
Ask her what his retirement plans are, If they don't address them he's in denial of his age. What are his funeral arrangements. My hubby is 39 and I'm nearly 53 and my husband WILL NOT TALK about this with me as he can't bear to think of my dying before him but it probably will happen... for your daughter it will surely happen and maybe in the next 20 years even....
As long as she's realistic and he's realistic about the short amount of time they will have together (although in this day and age a 20 year marriage sadly is something to crow about)....
Things that she needs to be aware of
retirement planning
health care
funeral planning
does he want children
FWIW my dad is 79 and works out daily, travels extensively, plays 18 holes of golf three times a week and is in better shape than his 53 yr old daughter... Sadly he was widowed at 58 but his parents both lived into their 90s with all their senses intact. My grandfather was reading the wall street journal with a magnifying glass to check his stocks the day before he died...
Yes it's scary to watch your children do things you don't approve of... all we can do is love them and support them as long as their choices are legal and they are being as adult as possible about it.
The movie Always comes to mind... young woman falls in love with an old fart... family disapproves... http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102590/
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2013): I would play the long game. Your daughter is young and as long as, in the next few years, she concentrates on her qualifications, nothing is lost. I would certainly not make an issue of his age, if it doesn't bother her - you must let that go. This relationship may burn out, it may not. But at 19 she is very young, although she is an adult legally and she will resent you making your feeling felt in this. Be wary of pushing her into his arms which can happen when parents take a stand.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2013): Even though he "appears" to be genuinely in love with your daughter a "51" year old man wanting to marry a 19 year is as close to being a pedophile as you can get without him having to have sex with an underaged minor. I don't care how young he looks.
I think a background check is needed in this case. Do some detective work and find out everything you can about this middle aged man.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (28 January 2013):
 All you can do in this situation is be supportive of your daughter and hope and pray she truly understands what she is undertaking...and speaking of undertaking....
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