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female
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anonymous
writes:Im using a friends account.. I have a problem that will effect a great deal of things.Im starting to hate my 15 year old daughter. Well not hate, but becoming more and more disapointed in her. I feel she has no future as she skips school and has no interest in anything except partying. Her grades are slipping big time and It is like she is taking advantage of my wife as she asks her for rides everywhere and my wife just does what she asks no matter how far it is. My little girl has put on weight and isnt as pretty as she was, shes really letting herself go at such a young age and i believe this is because of lack of excersize and over eating when shes upset about friends (she was clinicly depressed and seeing her like that hurt us all). Shes not like other girls, shes very outspoken and harsh and my wife often lets her and her friends drink in our home. most of her friends are over 18 and this bothers me as i think she is growing up too fast. She is being taking advantage of by friends that abandomed her. She can hanle herself and stands up for herself but im very worried for her. I can't do anything to stop this because she is far to smart and clever and my wife is always on her side. I love my family, but often i have regrets about how the kids have turned out. I can't talk to her like i used to. We were so close and yet now we are becoming more and more distant. She dosnt help at home if i ask her but does what her mother says. I think she is getting far too much freedom but I do not know how to stop it, what my wife says goes it seems. I miss my happy, healthy, pretty little girl and just wish I knew what happend to make her grow so distant from me and loose interest in so much. Please give some advice to a desperate father.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2007): Well...stop the arguing for one...and start listening and working together.
You both have your daughter's best interest in mind.
I'm curious if there are any other parents out there who have written a letter to their newly born baby? I was going through my family's memory box and came across letters I would write every year to each one of my children on their birthdays.
I put down there growths and strengths. Their likes and how they interact with their siblings and what value they bring to our home.
I also read over a letter I wrote to my eldest in which I state my desires for her and what I wanted for her. It was very moving.
Glad you ordered the book and do let us know if harmony and purpose enters back in your home; Family Unity is central in today's world.
Best Wishes.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionorderd the book and tried to speak to my wife. my wife argues our daughter has agreed shes growing up too fast and cant be doing things that people over 18 do, but thinks that trying to stop her will make her rebel even more so. thank you for the advice though...
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): And may I say that her sort of behaviour has signs of abuse or a trauma.
Drug abuse
Sexual abuse
Signs :lowered grades, radical behaviours (swearing, becoming promiscuous, stealing, destruction of property), change of friends, pulling out of family responsibilities and functions, drinking, partying, drugs.
Daughter definitely needs help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): Dear...I am not sure how old your other children are. But I need to say, you are 'assuming' they are not taking note of all this. You are saying that ignorance is bliss. I want to know how they are protected form your oldest daughter's behaviours when you state that your 15 year old daughter drinks in your home and your wife allows it. So please, watch, observe and listen to your other children. They may not be saying a lot or acting out themselves, but they are 'absorbing and taking in' what is going on around them. Don't ever kid yourself. Be aware of that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): Good to hear just how much you love your Wife and my apologies for offending you in speaking ill of her.
Wife, you, and Daughter need to go to counselling. Individual will do wonders for her too.
Wife and you also need couple's counselling to strengthen and go over your life plans and goals; the ones you made before having children.
So don't begin making excuses and misunderstanding anyone's post...counselling would mean you, wife and daughter when we put in Family and Hey...Eldest is showing and modeling her behaviours so maybe younger ones will need to go later.
Make it a point to get the book TODAY. Then you and Wife can work together. In the book it has family activities on how to be united.
Let us know how things go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think it may be unfair on the other children? she is the oldest and i think ignorence is bliss with her 3 siblings. I don't think they should be forced to go to counselling just because of my eldest.. I thought it would be something she'd grow out of at first but im extremely worried. i know she does go to counselling in her school, and my wife and i have a good relationship otherwise, but our daughter seems to be driving us apart. She is great to her mother, has great respect for her, but still takes advantage of her when she can! I have no experience in anything like this because i never had sisters and she is the first born.. Her mom isnt stupid, but my child can rap her round her little finger
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): Agreed with all the below...excellent advice! Just want to add my support and give my opinion to you, as well. You have a big dysfunctional problem and it will worsen, in time. You do not have your daughter’s respect and she's floundering. Major boundries are needed. She needs to realize a family functions, the best when everyone respects each other. The kind of respect that causes her to honor your decisions even though she does not agree with any rules you instill. Your wife needs to respect you by backing you up..100%. I agree with Malyce, your daughter--your family needs help. Teen girls who develop radical changes in their grades and behaviors need serious evaluation and help. Both you and your wife need to tell her you love her but she’s changed and your and you both are deeply concerned. Getting your daughter into a good counseling with a therapist who has long term experience with troubled adolescents would be a start. I can't be sure but drugs and alcohol might be a main problem. Call your family doctor and have her tested for drugs and alcohol. At least you’ll know whether he needs to become involved in a drug/alcohol rehabilitation.
This is serious stuff. If you cannot keep her manageable at 15, she will be totally out of control at 16 or 17. Your whole family will suffer. Teens on a wayward path drag 'everyone' into' their troubled world. You need to act quickly and you need to be decisive. Get everyone into family counseling with someone who can help you regain, maintain your position as head of this family. I agree with the Aunts who suggest The ToughLove program. She may not like it, but you and her Mother have the monumental task and responsibility to make sure she is safe and healthy. Intervention is required and it will take a lot of courage, consistency and strength, on both your parts. I wish you luck..it will be hard but don't give up on her. She will come back to you, someday and she will ...thank you for stepping in and saving her.
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reader, Pretty and proud +, writes (2 January 2007):
 oh dear, this is a hard time which i have been in your daughters position, tough love is all you can do its how my parents set me straight still let her know you love her and she will find the light. i hope this is understandable to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2007): He should try as if he feels inspired or compelled...gut instinct...don't ignore it.
Liked the parents have to have an united front and work together...absolutely.
Do get the book as it has amazing teachings on how to bring back the Family and US in your home and marriage.
Counselling for everyone is in order.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2007): He should try as if he feels inspired or compelled...gut instinct...don't ignore it.
Liked the parents have to have an united front and work together...absolutely.
Do get the book as it has amazing teachings on how to bring back the Family and US in your home and marriage.
Counselling for everyone is in order.
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (2 January 2007):
 First and foremost you need to talk to her Mother. The two of you should be pulling together on this not in different directions. This girl knows she can play her parents off agaianst each other to get what she wants and it sound like she is using your discord to get exactly what she wants and when she wants it.
Church? If your daughter is against all religion then you cannot force her to have anything to do with church and neither should you try. This will make things worse as she sees you trying to control her not help her.
Your daughter has probably put on weight due to a variety of things: depression and comfort eating, drinking?, as you say lack of exercise (very ofen one of the first things that go out of the window when a female hits adolescence). But have you actually said to her she is getting fat? Are you leading by example? If you or your wife are overweight you are in no position to judge her or critcise her! Sorry to sound harsh.
You say she is not as 'pretty' as she was. Well, she IS going thru adolescence - this is a time when a lot of kids can get lumpy, spotty, overweight, have funny dress sense, be awkward and clumsy (some of us never grow out of it as well!!)and she probably knows it as well.
The going to parties thing. Stop it now. Set a curfew. tell both your daugghter and your wife this is what is going to happen. You 15 year old is under your roof. You pay the bills and you are the parent. IT NEEDS TO STOP! Take away her privileges, her pocket money etc. Tell her she is a child, take control back again.
Please be strong. If you allow this to happen now, you are going to have hell to pay when she hits 18 and soen't have self control.
no more emotional blackmail for her. Ignore the threats and the harsh words. Set parameters.
I wish you luck, keep us updated.
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIm led to believe she goes to counselling. But it isnt helping her.. thank you for the advice. church is not an option .. and no she isnt into that type of music and i do not see that as a factor as we are both into the same music. I just miss my little girl
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2007): That right there...home/family dischord. That is her cause for hurt. Division. Wife is stupid.
Get the book and get the family counselling, individual counselling for Daughter, marriage counselling for wife and you, and do Church. Even if it just you and Daughter.
How ugly of Mom to support her for favour of popularity of her daughter; at what price?
COUNSELLING ASAP
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2007): Church...if it has been instilled in her as a child...I think it is fine to say...you may have friends I don't agree with and set out to rebell but one thing I will not stand for is you not attending church.
This is the one things I will not move on. I love you daughter and it pains me to see you hurting yourself. I can only hope and pray that you come to know where lies your happiness.
Love her. Give her hugs and kisses. Pray for her in private. Hope. Trust.
Guidance and inspiration will come.
Do take a stand and Do tell her you still have to attend Church. She may be angry and resentful but she already is and giving in to her desire and wishes to further hurt herself will only come back and snap her in her butt when she gets older.
I know, I was a rebelious teen too. My Parents love me so much and they knew how strong I was and my mindset and just said...we are here for you and love you and waited for me with open arms.
I did have to go to Church on Sundays...and in my time of sorrow and darkness...the reassurance, peace, love and comfort of the spirit came to my mind and heart...that I needed to smarten up and humble myself to go to my parents and say I am sorry and I need your love and counsel. Their open arms was such a relief.
Do what is right.
And, something has happened to her that is so painful and traumatic that she grades are slipping.
COUNSELLING. Family and Individual for her. It may mean tough love ASAP. Time to get firm on those two things.
Pick up "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families" by Stephen R. Covey. A very family oriented book with effective teachings.
Best Wishes from one loving Mother to Another.
*Hugs*
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male
reader, ogga +, writes (2 January 2007):
if you take her to church she will just get irritated, im 15 and seriously try and take her to church and she will throw it in your face, just be there for her and dont say she cant go to parties because it will just make her angry, tell you your scared for her or something. This may sound like a weird question to ask. But is she into RnB or rock music? If shes into RnB then chances are then she is "chavvy" and telling her she cant go to parties will make her angry and become worse, if shes into rock music then shes either "emo" or a "rocker". emo sounds most likely. And the stereotype for emos is wanting to be close to their family and things, so this would be the best situation for you basically and then telling her will make more of a difference. I know it sounds stupid, But im 15, i know :p But just spend more time with her doing things she wants, and say she can go to one party every fortnight or something and one night a week you have to do something as a family and one or 2 nights a week she has to do homework and study, then her grades will improve and she wont be partying as much, but you cant just stop her from partying completely because she will just get angry. So work out a timetable say Saturday Night she can go out. Sunday you spend the day as a family. Wednesday and Monday she does coursework or studies and Tuesdays, Thursday and Fridays is her time when she can go out with her friends up town but not to parties. It sounds like she drinks alot. so perhaps telling her she cant drink as much and you only want her drinking on a saturday night at the party and perhaps one or two another time in the week with you there but if she comes home drunk anyother day then she wont be allowed out the following saturday.
also talk to your wife about this and tell her if she doesnt enforce these rules aswell then they WILL NOT work and that she is your child and you should raise her too ( you didnt state whether she is the childs mum or not)
If this does not work then i suggest taking her to a psych once a week again saying its just routine after clinical depression to go to a psych for a few months.
Thats the best advice i can give you
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionchurch? i wish.. shes against all religion
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male
reader, metalpat24 +, writes (2 January 2007):
 talk to her, show her you love her, have some you her time and talk to her, im 20, my dad wasnt always around and my sister was the same way, just show her that the way she is going now is the wrong way, take her to a church, a pastor could help you
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