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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: hey, me and my bf have been goin out 7months, he is very controlling, he doesnt like me tlkin to other people and wants my attention 24/7, he hates me going out with my mates and hes scared all the other guys always stare at me. he also doesnt like me wearing skirts and calls me a tart and a prosititute becuase they are above my knee, he says if i wnt to wear skirts they have to be down to my knees. the thing is in the summer all i ever wear is mini skirts as i love to get a tan. what should i do? i love this guy and dont wna loose him, our relationship is awesome apart from his possessiveness, jealously and controlling me all time. help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2012): Girly, let me tell you, I am in the same boat as you, so I can relate to what you are saying. My bf is such a sweetheart.. He's very passionate and he's sooo affectionate with me... when everything is going his way. He loves my body, tells me I'm beautiful, and loves to show me off to everybody. But, if I am not with him and my hair and make-up is done, I'm accused of trying to turn guys on. I have a daughter, from my previous marriage. She is a teenager and needs her momma, ya know.. well, he even gets upset if I have to take her to a friends house, he was upset when I went to her graduation, because her dad was there. I'm not allowed to talk to my ex, even if it's strictly about my daughter, because he thinks I'm going to cheat on him. He gets jealous when I'm helping my daughter with her hoomework, because it's taking time away from his time with me - how is that right? If you asked him why, he would tell you he doesn't have a problem with it. I recently lost my job, so I decided to go back to school. He's freaked out about this...not because I lost my job, but because I might meet someone at school. I have to promise that I won't conversate with any men, and never accept one as a lab partner. I can't stop on the way home from work, to pick up groceries, and God ferbid I have ANY time with my friends or to myself. I can't even clean the house if he's around, because that too is taking quality time away from him! He checks my phone, my emails, my facebook, my work emails, etc... I had to delete any guy who wasn't my BLOOD relative and I'm not allowed to say that any guy is "just a friend". The list goes on and on. I kicked him out, after a year of this nonsence and he begged to come back. Promised he's stop with the constent badgering and he would go to mental health for couseling. It's been a month since I took him back...He has yet to make an appointment for counseling, and it's gotten worse. He's gotten to the point that if I disagree with him about anything, he gets so angry and hits things... hasn't hit me yet.. but it will come if I keep him around. All of this behavior is due to his own insecurities and his narcasistic mentality. These men are selfish, don't care about us or our happiness. All that matters to them is that we make them feel loved. What makes them feel loved? Us being there, 24/7, doing, acting, behaving, exactly as they say we should. That is no way to live. During the couple weeks that we were split up, I hung out with friends, spent quality time with my daughter, I was happy and my friends actually commented that I seemed happier and free and "acted" like myself. I can go on and on, but I think you get the point. No one should ever try to change you or control you. I wish there were an easy way to let go. We are not in love with the men that they are - they are not right in the head - we are in love with the thought of what they could be, if they were secure with themselves. No matter what you do, he will not change. You can change yourself, but I will tell you that the minute you "step out of line" he will blow up... and like other posters have said, there is a good possibility that he will become physically abusive and, when that happens, you will find yourself making excused for him. You will blame yourself and you will stay longer. When you threaten to leave, he will threaten to hurt himself. He may or may not do this, but it will not be your fault. He has a problem, deep within himself and he needs to get help for himself. Just be careful and think for yourself. What would you say to your bff or your sister or your daughter if you saw this type of abuse in their relationship. I think you would tell her to run and run as far as she could... I know I would. FYI - I kicked him out this past weekend. I'm so relaxed and my daughter doesn't have to hear the yelling and slamming things around, because he didn't get his way.
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male
reader, rakshith  +, writes (13 September 2010):
A very small problem.!i understand bcos of his possesiveness ur mood will be off n dull 24*7.. he is that possesive just because he loves u to the peak, he craves for ur luv... THINK ABT IT? he never tries to be possesive about others.. Believe me, ask him to consult a psychiatrist in a calm n polite way, .. . actually he doesnot wan to be possesive, but he is being compelled to do so by his negative thoughts... i had a break up bcos of same.. i don want it for others to happen.. trust me,, never lose him..!
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male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters  +, writes (11 April 2010):
 leave him.
it's not worth it..
trust me
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female
reader, Fallen~007  +, writes (16 January 2010):
well basically id like to know how to get out of a situation like this. my sister has been involved with a guy for 6 years. being bengali and muslim they dint sleep together or anything like that. she is a very tolerant, serious and understanding person. her bf is extremely controlling and tends to inflict harm on himself. he blames her for everything even though she does nothing behind his back and verbally abuses her. when she tried to break up with him he cut off his veins and banged his head against walls... so she doesnt know how to say no to him.and now she has accepted him and they plan to marry in a couple of years. i really cant see her ruining her life like this. please tell me how to get rid of him. she doesnt love him but cant hurt him either.
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female
reader, hear to help +, writes (21 November 2007):
I just want to let you know that I am married to the same man you are describing. I married him at 18 and divorced him at 20... Then remarried him when I was 34. THEY NEVER CHANGE! It gets worse!!! First its "I can see down you shirt, then its your bra does not fit you very well, I will buy you a new bra. Then its your shorts are 2 short, then when you buy the longer shorts, he saids "I can see up your shorts - because they legs are wider! I love my husband (we are separated now) but I hate him for how he makes me feel. You would think time and age would change him, but it does not. He is a 225 gorgeous body builder who is so insecure. I cant go anywhere! I cant even go to the grocery store by myself! He will only get worse. I don't want to lose my husband (I have always loved him) but you don't want to lose your identiy either. You will get tired of out eventually. Once it's over he will find his next victim - until she wises up and she will leave him to. You will never be yourself and you will never be truly happy with him. BESIDES ALL THAT - I LOVE HIM HEART AND SOUL! IT HURTS ME SO MUCH THAT HE DOES NOT LOVE ME ENOUGH TO SEE THAT. I would never even look at another man, but they are so insecure-they can't see it normally. If I don't have sex with him every day he says that I am cheating on him, he wants to control everything! EVEN AS FAR AS RUNNING BATH WATER FOR ME EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. What if I don't want to take a bath??? DO YOU GET IT! GET AWAY WHILE YOUR YOUNG! I GOT AWAY AND LIKE A PURE IDIOT I THOUGHT AFTER 15 YEARS HE WOULD HAVE CHANGED! Today is the day before Thanksgiving and I want more than anything in the world to be with him. If he comes home he will be great for 1-2 weeks. Then it starts all over again.. He will want to fight over the least little thing. Then he leaves and this our life and let me tell you it sucks! THIS IS ALSO ABOUT RESPECT. IF THEY RESPECTED AND TRUSTED US THIS WOULD NEVER HAPPEN. MARRY HIM AND I GUARANTEE YOU WILL MISERABLE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!! AND DON'T BE STUPID AND GET PREGNANT. THAT WILL MAKE HIS HOLD ON YOU EVEN WORSE. DONT LISTEN AND YOU WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER THIS LETTER. LISTEN AND FIND SOMEONE WHO LOVES AND RESPECTS YOU FOR YOU. NOT WHO THEY WANT YOU TO BE!!
FRIEND
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2007): i lived with a possesive, controlling man who became very violent, and yes he was on drugs..7 years later i became a possesive controlling woman, very violent and on drugs..ive now been on my own for 3 years, my self esteem and confidence has come back...my advice is to get out and start a new life, before something bad happens!good luck you deserve better!!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2007): You should get out of this relationship now before he does you more harm.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2007): Im heavily pregnant and my boyfriend was just like that, now he is worse because there is nothing I can do about it and I wish I had taken all these things into acount before I got pregnant. I am now stuck and am not allowed to go out with friends or he punches walls, slams doors etc... get out!!! or you will regret it! a boyfriend like that will try anything he can to trap you and when they have done it your on your own. A person like that has no morals and will take you down in every way, even tell you his friends think you are ugly because he knows you can get better.
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female
reader, Pretty and proud  +, writes (2 January 2007):
 hey, i think i can help you out here.
i have not long came out of a relationship like this except it was the other way round.
i hated my ex-boyfriend going out with his mates without me and i got too possesive over him i called him and txt him all the time and he finally had enough and left me because he wasnt happy. but whilest calling him and txting him all the time i was just loving him and caring for him. i was scared that other girls would go after him because he is a good looking lad maybe thats how your boyfriend feels? and he is scared of being alone just like me. you need to tell your boyfriend that this is making you unhappy and that you may leave him. ask him if he's been hurt before and if he says yes then tell him that just because other girls have hurt him he doesnt need to take it out on you by not trusting you. now that i am alone i have had time to think about my posessiveness and it wasnt worth a heartbreak like this crying for days and days and ive even had to box up everything in my room ready to move into a new one because i cant bear to be in there anymore without him. so what you need to do is talk to him about both of your problems and if it doesnt stop leave him. wish you all the best and i hope i helped.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2007): He calls you tart and a prosititute,does that sound like words from somebody who loves you? Hardly compliments are they?Yeah he might tell you he loves you but it sounds to me he loves to control you more.No man should ever treat his partner in this manner and I would take a step back from the relationship and think long and hard whether to carry on with it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2007): Your relationship is awesome apart from these problems?
You poor child, you're far too young and nieve to have someone manipulating you in this way. Does your father treat your mother like this? Is your father even still around?
Clearly you don't have enough self-confidence so be with someone who loves and respects you. Any guy who had any respect for you would be happy to see you wearing whatever clothes make you feel happy.
So how many more years are you going to be abused, called a prostitute, tart and put up with his possessiveness, jealousy, and controlling nature?
You do not love this guy and you do want to loose him. You're just afraid of being alone, arn't you?
The problem is not your boyfriend - it is you for putting up with it. The more you allow it to happen, the worse he will get, and the more psychologically damaged you'll become. Every day you are with him you are destroying your chance of having a true, loving relationship.
You've been warned!
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A
female
reader, Lilly223 +, writes (2 January 2007):
 Honey, you need to get out of this relationship right now. Any man that tries to control who you see, what you wear and calls you names is not good. These are all signs of an abuser. Relationships like these (usually with men over compensating thier immaturity and insecurity with control issues) generally deteriorate in to a much more abusive relationship. Although I cannot say for certain that the abuse will progress to physical, he IS currently abusing you verbally/emotionally. Trust me on this one as someone who had a relationship JUST like this one when I was your age. Eventually he will "beat you down" so far that you don't know who you once were. Please Please reconsider this relationship. Other signs of abuse are isolating you from your friends and family, controlling how much money you have access to, checking the milage on your car, false accusations of cheating... the list goes on an on. If you recognize any of these, you are better off finding someone who can treat you better than he is willing to. You owe it to yourself, and your future. A mistake at this age often manifests itself much later on in life... think about it.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 January 2007):
 Your relationship sure doesn't sound very awesome to me. He needs to get some counseling or you are going to be very miserable in the future. It's not carved in stone that he will turn more abusive, but many control freaks end up getting violent. If you can't convince him to get help then I'm afraid I think you had better end the relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2007): Your relationship with him is awesome apart from his possessiveness, jealousy, and controlling ways? Wow, I didn't know such negatives can complement such an awesome relationship!?
So you love him for his consideration, kindness, and gentlemanly ways? You see something wrong with my question here? Doesn't it kind of hide something along the lines of "major insecurity on his part" as well as "forcing you to forfeit all your friends because he needs you to"?
I always wonder how people can fall in love with such bastards. Then I had the unfortune of having a few of my very non-mentally solid female friends fall in love with guys like that, and it frustrates me. Especially when they call me up at the wee hours of the night balling their eyes out, saying this and that and how their bf's are this and that, but somehow they still love them to bits.
I always try to make them see that because they are lacking mental solidity and internal strength because of the X past and stuff, they allow themselves to fall in love with the least bit of hope that some guy gives them, etc, etc, etc.
Of course, they never really pick up on my words, and often don't quite see or hear my words altogether.
In short, no one here will be able to help you, if you cannot understand or see this in its entirety - outside, around, and inside.
Help? Only you can help yourself, if he isn't willing to help himself. Understand?
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