A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My son, Justin, and his friend, Chris, are 14 years old. Chris has let his parents, Justin, my husband and myself that he is gay (I don't know if anyone else knows). Justin doesn't care about Chris being gay, as long as they can continue being friends and doing the hobbies they have in common (they enjoy tent camping, hiking, fishing, est.).My only questions are when Chris sleeps over or when Justin sleeps over at Chris's house, is it still OK if they share the same room? They have sleeping bags in they usually sleep on the floor. When they go tent camping, is it still OK for them to sleep in the same tent? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2021): Well...I only have one question for you.Do you trust in the way you raised your son? If you do then there is no problem.Let them have the sleepover.Trust your son.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2021): It doesn't make you a homophobe merely because you feel uncomfortable about your son sleeping in the same room or a tent with a boy who believes he's gay. You might be acting a bit overprotective when they're both the same-sex; and you assume your son is straight. Gayness won't leap from Chris to Justin in his sleep! I think the boys have come to terms with their differences, and they don't matter.
First-off, the kid is barely out of puberty; and at a stage in his young mental and physical development that he isn't absolutely certain of his sexual-orientation. Many kids his age, and younger, ascribe to being gay; because they think it makes them cool or unique. Until they actually have sex, and understand what relationships are; sexual-orientation is not completely confirmed, but presumed on all available evidence. How can a child that age be so absolutely certain, when people twice and three times his age are still grappling with sexual-identity and their sexual-orientation? He may someday meet a girl, and suddenly feel attraction for her. Let's allow kids to be kids, and not assign grown-up ideologies and prejudices that young innocent children don't possess.
Your fear is that Chris might attempt to experiment with your son; or somehow try to influence Justin through his curiosity. If Justin is attracted to girls, and he is fully aware his friend likes guys; there is no likelihood he will be swayed to do what doesn't feel natural. If Chris is gay, there would be no way Justin will be able to influence him to like girls; if that doesn't come natural to him. You are conflicted in your own beliefs, and really wish they weren't friends. I think it would be worse, if you didn't know; and it was hidden from you, because they didn't trust you to handle it. You know which boy is gay, and which isn't; and so do they! They are still boys, being boys. Sleeping together, or apart, will make no difference. If they wanted to be together for any other reason, they'll find a way. Better it's all out in the open. They trust you, so try to trust them.
The boys want to be friends. They aren't out to change each-other, they simply accept each-other as who they are. As you should, but monitor things for your own peace of mind. As I am certain you intend to do; no matter what people at DC say, who don't know either of them.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 January 2021):
 I think there is a HUGE difference for a boy/girl sleep over and a boy/boy - girl /girl regardless of orientation.
My middle daughter had a friend since Middle-school who came out as trans freshman year. They still had sleepovers, even though this kid now identified as male. It made no difference.
We had her BF sleep over (roads were too bad for him to drive home) and HE slept on the couch in the living room, NOT her room. She has slept over at his house, in the guest room.
My oldest daughter has a bestie who is gay. She came out at 14/15? She slept in my daughters room on the trundle bed like BEFORE she came out. Nothing changed in their friendship whatso ever.
If my first post was sorta passive aggressive (sorry) it's because I think people put WAY to much emphasis on UNIMPORTANT stuff such as sexual orientation. the boys are 14. Your SON is being a GREAT friend for not giving a single F about his friend coming out as gay. Because he is STILL his friend.
They are NOT more likely to experiment sexually (with each other) because the other kid came out as gay. My guess is you son knew his friend was gay WAYYYYY before he came out. And it just doesn't bother him. My best friend growing up "came out" around 13-14? but we all knew already. He was still the same kid.
You can sit him (your son) down and ask him how he feels about it. But what REALLY has changed? He was GAY before he came out, you know?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2021): I would second guess that as well. I personally would not allow it as I would not allow my son to sleep in the same room with a female friend that is attracted to boys.
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reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (31 January 2021):
 What are your main concerns? I ask as I can "sort of" get where you are coming from in wondering about this, but you are not me, so may have very different worries.
I suspect your main worry may be that the boys will start experimenting together sexually. It is not unusual to close friends (of either sex) to dabble in a bit of experimentation at this age. Whether your son's friend had come out as gay or not, this could still happen. There again, it may never happen. They are friends, first and foremost.
The boy trusted you enough to tell you he felt he was gay. Don't make an issue of it. Many kids these days seem to feel under pressure to stick labels on themselves instead of just going with the flow and seeing where life takes them.
You are obviously a good mother, hence your concerns. In your shoes I would sit down with your son when there is nobody else around and no chance of disturbances, and have a friendly conversation. Ask HIM how he feels about his mate coming out as gay. Listen to his answers. If he sees no reason why their friendship should change, then respect his wishes. You sound like the sort of mother that would do that anyway. Perhaps you could, at the same time, remind him that, if he has any concerns or questions in the future, you are always happy to listen and advise.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2021): I don't think youre a homophobe and I dont think you really fear your son will turn gay! I do think it would be reasonable to say "My daughter Angie is straight and female her friend Kenny is straight and male. Should they sleep separately?" Therefore it's reasonable to ask the same of two same gender friends when one is gay. It may be best to make a blanket rule that everyone sleeps separately after lights out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2021): Chris won't make Justin gay by association. They are kids, and only friends. You are concerned only because you are aware that Chris is gay. If you didn't know, they'd just be a couple of friends; and you wouldn't even know the difference.
They could have kept it a secret, but instead they shared the fact. Justin and Chris share interests and hobbies; and Justin doesn't care about the "gay" part, because he sees Chris as a person, just a guy, and his friend...not a "gay." Isn't Chris just as much of a person to loved and cared for as your son? Do you disapprove? Better you be honest about it; than to pretend otherwise, because it will show!
Labeling people, focusing only on their differences, and holding them to a stereotype causes us to be bigoted. You have to be careful, because prejudices will overtake your thoughts. You'll develop paranoia and suspicions; and will be forced to act upon them foolishly. Have a talk with your son about your feelings; and if there is anything to worry about, Justin seems level-headed and honest enough to let you know. He deserves a reasonable amount of trust; because he didn't hide anything about Chris.
Don't feel forced to be "politically correct." You are only looking-out for your son's best interests. They're only 14, and still maintain most of their innocence; in spite of how modern-society accelerates their exposure to things before they're psychologically mature enough to deal with them.
Monitor the boys as you normally would, to keep them out of trouble and mischief. They know you're watching, it gives them a sense of security, unless you're freaking-out! They will sense that too!
It is your job as a parent, to be a buffer and protector. To keep Justin safe, and set an example of how to employ his self-control; but to also teach him how to be himself. Not to allow peer-pressure or others to have a controlling-influence over his beliefs, values, or behavior. He should feel safe in his skin, and never do anything that comes unnatural to him to please others. Nature has assigned Justin his sexual-orientation; and it becomes more ingrained as he grows and matures. Homosexuality doesn't spread like a virus, my dear! Sleeping in the same room or tent is fine; as it would be if you didn't know Chris was gay.
The problem here is that you can't accept Chris around your son, because he is gay. As a parent, your concerns matter. Since Justin and Chris have been honest and upfront all along, you can ask them if there is anything going-on more than being friends. Some-how I don't think they would hesitate to let you know. If it bothers you so much, than you should ask. Otherwise, let them be friends; and put your mind at-ease.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 January 2021):
Chris isn't going to "make" your son gay by sleeping in the same room. Being gay isn't contagious.
Seems like your son really doesn't care about his friend's sexual orientation. What he cares about is the PERSON and FRIEND Chris is to him.
Yes, I'd say it's totally fine to have him sleep over in the same room.
What exactly do you think could happen?
You son being molested or "catching" the gays?
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