A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Im wondering what to do, ive been in a relationship for 16 months with a man i love very much, ive got a son who's 11 from a previous relationship, my partner has his own house but stays at mine most of the time, he's recently told me that he was leaving because he's had enough of my son treating me badly by calling me names and having tantrums, he said that the nights i have my son he is going to stay at home, how can i make this work or is it the beginning of the end. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, ive ordered the book that was recommended, and will go to my solicitor and apply for the joint custody, thankyou all for your advice
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (17 July 2007):
 There is a book I would like to recommend to you. It is meant to deal with your mother's antics, but might also be able to deal with your ex and your kid.
It is called: Emotional Blackmail. I am not sure about the author's name, but I recently gave this book to someone in a similar situation, and she says it helped her greatly.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
female
reader, YummyMummy +, writes (17 July 2007):
 Your mum doesn't really have a right to say that. What matters is your son's happiness and as horrible as this sounds if he'll be happier with his dad isn't that for the best?!
As you said you can't make him stay with you, and the father is willing to keep you involved. This may help his behaviour and things with your boyfriend.
I agree with eyeswideopen- go for joint custody and share your time with him as you and the father and your son see's fit. It'll be hard not having your son there as much but surely if this helps his behaviour and makes him happier it's a good thing??
xxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (17 July 2007):
 I don't know if I would give the Dad full custody, if he changes his mind about the 2 nights a week there is nothing you can do about it. I'd insist on shared custody but allow the boy to stay primarily with the Dad if that's what he wants at this point. He may changed his mind after the counseling and you want to keep your options open.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou all, my son is on the list to go and see a child psychologist there is a 6 month wait, i have spoke to my sons dad today and he has told me my son wants to live with him so he is going for full custody of him but he will let me have him 2 nights of the week, i don't want to let my son go but at the same time i don't want to make him stay where he doesn't want to stay, my mum has already told me if i let him go she will have nothing more to do with me i feel like im in a no win situation
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2007): your son might be upset that your not with his dad and are with other partners so youve gota understand it from his point of view and your partner is good for staying away but you need to sit down your son and speak to him and if hes being rude for no good reason bring out the belt
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (17 July 2007):
Your bf is right to stay out of the way. It is up to you to parent your child's behavior, not him. He does not have the right to interfere, legally, so he is smart to remove himself from the situation.I doubt any relationship you will have with any potential partner is going to work until you learn to set some boundaries for your son, and teach him discipline. If this keeps up, chances are you will let your son continue to sabotage all your future relationships. This is just the start.-FBK
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A
female
reader, jusd'orange +, writes (16 July 2007):
Is your son spoiled? Do you have a poor relationship with his dad that may affect his behavior? The obvious advice to give is to talk with your child about his tantrums. Your first priority shouldn't be why the man in your life why stay over. Why is your son throwing tantrums? This is a cause and effect relationship. If you want the man to stay over you need to fix the problems with the son. I don't blame the man for not wanting to stay, staying with the person you're dating should be a relaxing thing. Don't worry about the finished product before you have all of the ingredients. You need to focus on bettering the relationship with your son, and embedding it into his head that it is not okay for him to call you names and disrespect you. Sorry to be so harsh, I am a behavioral psychologist and I feel rather strongly about this subject!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 July 2007):
An 11 year old should be beyond tantrums there must be an underlying problem greater than simply not getting his way about things. Go with him to counseling and see what the problem is, maybe he is just confused about where he fits into your life at the moment. 11 is the age when sons start to pull away from their mothers and start identifying more strongly with the significant male in their lives. If you are on good terms with his Dad see if you guys can talk about your son and his behavior. As far as your boyfriend not staying when your son is there, maybe he feels that his presence just acerbates your son's bad behavior and if he's not there the son will behave better. Just curious, does it improve when the boyfriend is not here?
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A
female
reader, Bunnygirl +, writes (16 July 2007):
 Do you know why there is disrespect there? does he feel alone? Im pretty sure that your son feels a "pressure", there is a new man in your life psossibly taking the role of the father. he feels his mummy is "being taken away". Try talking to your son remaining firm yet understanding. Letting him know that your are his mother and will be there no matter what but that you can not and will not accept his behaviour towards you. He is at a tender and confusing age but he needs to know his boundries and you have to set them for him. He will push at them, thats what kids do-it's how you handle it that teaches them right from wrong. As for your partner, maybe for a while it is best that he does stay out at least a coupld of nights when your son is there to allow for time for you and him. Then maybe try going out all three of you but your partner not staying at first. See if they have a shared interest and use that to draw them closer together.
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A
female
reader, BEEN THERE DONE IT +, writes (16 July 2007):
 Hi there babes,
Your son is 11 years old and needs to have a little respect for you, he should not be calling you names at any age he should have respect for his mum...
Your boyfriend obviosly doesn't like hearing him talk to you like this and rather than cause you aany heart ache he has choosen not to be there when you son is around, you have to respect him for that babes.....
Try talking to your son about this tell him you love him and no matter who your with he will aleays be a part of your life, he may just need reasurance from you,
Hope this has helped you babes,
Lve Donna xx
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female
reader, flower girl +, writes (16 July 2007):
 What sort of relationship do your son and your partner have?
Could he not consider helping you with your son rather than bailing out on you because of him.
When you get into a relationship you should accept warts and all, so maybe you could try talking to him and asking him for help.
My son is the same age give our take a couple of months and he can have some really nasty tantrums, i take away his tele, his phone and stop him from going out.
Have you thought of taking your son to the doctors and getting him referred to a behavioural specialist as they give some fantastic ideas of ways to try and control the tantrus.
Take care.xx.
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A
female
reader, YummyMummy +, writes (16 July 2007):
Ouch.
I can see this from both sides. You are torn between your son and the guy you love. And your partner can't stand to watch your son treat you like dirt.
Your son needs to know he can't treat you like this. Maybe try putting your foot down a little harder with him. Taking things away he wants when he calls you names etc.
xxxxxxxxxx
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