A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: my mother has no respect for the privacy of me or my brother and treats our rooms like shops where she can take things from. if we try and confront her she just laughs. i have recently to my horror discovered she is even wearing my underwear, and i've found this deeply upsetting that even on this level she has no respect for my privacy as an adult.i'm 25 and my brother is 22. we both live at home, which she feels gives her the right to do whatever she likes. as a teenager she has always rifled through my room, even reading my diary and claiming shes "found" things that have been hidden away by me. when i return home, shes taken make up from my drawers to "try out". recently i discovered she has been borrowing our clothes, not least my underwear. she takes socks from my brother's sock drawers (where he keeps his contraceptives) and i caught her wearing a jumper given to my brother my his girlfriend.The worst thing about this was that the underwear she took was one of the first things my boyfriend gave to me 5 years ago, and i saw her wearing it. i've kept it inmy drawer for sentimental value. i felt deeply upset by this as in was an invasion of privacy and shed made trival something that was very special to me and i felt so violated that i started screaming at her about this, and she found it really funny, and just said "yeah i'll take it off" but 3 days later i caught her wearing one of my bras. the make up i can just about have it, shes welcome to it. but things that are personal to me, well if she does it again, i'm about on the verge of punching her. i cannot believe she would do this and then find it funny. i caught her reading one of my brother's bank statements the other day, and her only excuse was " i'm your mum" and i said to her that if she continues i will do something to humiliate her in return, like tell her colleagues and family that she steals my underwear! what can i do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): Its time for you to move out, flat or house share if you can do what it takes but the situation is unhealthy and not in the least bit acceptable behaviour for a mother. There is no need to discuss it with anyone until you have made the arrangements. You deserve respect and privacy you are way into adulthood and you need to take control of the situation.
A
male
reader, RON_499  +, writes (15 October 2008):
 Well I guess that she is just somewhat over protective even when you are old enough to support yourself. You should just tell her what she can use and what not and tell her this nicely with lots of pleases and yesss!!! lots of pleases. Tell her that you love her but that you feel bad when she does that and to just give you some privacy as nicely as possible because I don't think that she realises how bad she is making you feel but still give her respect and she will respect you. All the best (AND DON'T PUNCH HER :))OR YOU'LL REGRET IT LATER.
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A
female
reader, babe23  +, writes (15 October 2008):
I think you should deal with this differently.
The thing is, your mother might be having issues of her own that she is behaving like this.
You see, when somebody gets inquisitive and digs into your privete stuff, its because they are feeling insecure.
Your mom probably feels you are moving away from her or fears that she is gonna lose you. and thats why she digs into your stuff.
As far as, borrowing yours and your brothers things, without asking is concernd, it is also a consequence of hidden fears.
Your mom knows she is growing old... and loves the life you n your brother are living. She wants to be young again... when she sees somethng she likes in you rooms, she'd like to wear them. she doesnt ask because she knows, you'll say no. she laughs because she has got no answer to her behaviour.
Take your mom out shopping and let her buy some nice innerwear. dont influence her choise. let her pick watever she wants to and tell her its lovely. try being home for dinner. take her out... make efforts to let her ease thru what ever shez going thru. afterall, shez your mom.
shez done so much for you guys all her life, i think its your turn to do some from your side... moving out is really not the solution.
for a while, keep your room locked. sit and tell her calmly that you are locking because you want to help her break her habbit.
being clam and patient pay off.
goodluck! hope this helps you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): Hi. I had an unfortunate situation like this a few years ago. I was 40, had went through a divorce and moved back home for a while to get it together. I was very greatful for my parents kindness and understanding, but my mother NEVER respected my privacy. She opened up my bills, and would leave notes "what are you going to do about this" on them, my sister said when I was at work, my mother would go through my room, go into my closet, open up my drawers, read my personal letters, diaries, ect. My sister witnessed it first hand. My sister said it made her sick and she confronted my mother about it. My mom said "Its my house, and I can do what I want!" She used to try to listen to my phone conversations on the cell phone and when I would leave the room, she'd say "What do you have to hide?" To my knowledge, my mother NEVER took anything, or wore anything of mine, but I know how very upset I would be. I agree with the other poster, perhaps you and your brother can move in together? Your mother is going WAY beyond acceptable behavior, and bounds of decency and privacy. I really feel sorry for you, its such an uneasy feeling, you feel like you have been violated.I know you are angry and hurt, but I don't think I would broadcast it about your mom wearing your underware, even though it might give you momentary satisfaction. If you are comfortable, why don't you and your brother sit your mom down and say "mom, why you go through our stuff? Why do you wear it? It makes us extremely uncomfortable. Its an invasion of our privacy and we don't understand why you do this". I don't know if it would help, but it might make you feel better. Its really weird what she does, to say the least. And not even feel guilty about it?? Really weird. Is she asking for attention? Just nosy? I think in my mothers case, she was very very bored. I never confronted my mother, by the way, I knew I was moving out, but I never have been able to respect her in the same way.
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A
female
reader, VictoriaK +, writes (15 October 2008):
 I recently had a situation like this one. I caught my mother wearing personal things of mine. I didn't think it was decent to say the least. To make it short I moved out. I understand that with times the way they are right now, it might be difficult to move out, however, I'm sure you could find a friends house to stay at or something until you can get on your own two feet. Thereafter your mother has no control over you, or your possessions. I however would not make it a publicly known fact that she wears your underwear. Revenge is not a funny thing, nor should you ever have to resort to it. I wish you the best of luck, and hope you keep us updated on your situation. Another suggestion is, move out with your brother into a 2 bedroom apartment until you can get things sorted out.
Victoria~
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