A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi my wife and I are in an abusive relationship. she hits me and throws screaming fits . She also also breaks down my self image verbally.I have in the past retaliated and verbally abused her in turn. Despite this when things are good they are really good and I know I love her deeply.I dont believe its mere co dependence keepung us together.However a lot has been lost through verbal insults . The real issue and question is I kmow I love her and try to show it by doing things around the house/buying flowers /telling her I live her but she hasnt said she loves me in a very long time and never initiates sex. If i want sex it feels like i have to first give her a massage or do something else first . She says I just want sex and Im lying when I tell her I love her. I know if she had to had to be asked her version would be different but I do love her so my question is . Can it be she has fallen out of love with me or can the things i do to show my love be so insufficient.Is it too late to change the pattern of manipulation or is a relatipnship started thay way ended that way. its soinds bad but we are really two good people just trying to get by in a crazy world but sadly turn our frustations on each other and she now uses manipulation to get what she wants from me .
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female
reader, agneeman +, writes (27 May 2012):
 wow. You seem so stressed. I am in a similar situation. I have hit my dear husband a few times and said terrible things about him. After I do it I feel disgusting. I am shocked at my own behaviour and wonder how I can do something like that.Its not reasonable but I get angry when I see him after a fight. Its like he is a reminder of how disgusting I am and I just want him to go away. I want him to leave because on some level I think he deserves better than to be treated that way. We are doing way better but we have God, and a few councellours (two couples who are church councellors, one pastor and a psycologist)They all give us different perspectives on the situtuation. Also, I have been doing THE LOVE DARE, which is really challenging, but it keeps my head clear. (you should try it, its very hard though)My husband used to fight back but after one fight (our worst) he asked God to show him how to be what I really needed.He is trying to show me in every way that he loves me. No matter how horrible I am he retaliates in love.I really love him. The reason I get so angry with him is because I am so frightened. I have given him my heart and I am so scared he will just rip it out of me. I am scared he will just let some woman take him away.My fears started when I found out what he did when we broke up. My fears go far back to childhood, my mom went through two divorces both as a result of husbands adultery. On top of that my dad died of AIDS, so did my uncle and cousin and another cousin is living with it. Yet another cousin was beaten up when he was out whoring. I used to live with him, he would whore around and get jealouse that his wife would do the same thing so he hit her in front of us. When he got beaten up he was sent to a bad hospital. They neglected him for months and we didnt know about it. When we found out we brought his thin body back to our house and my mom shut down her company just so we could nurse him. We had him for two months and he was doing much better, when he died, suddenly. We were poor after that.I have suffered so much, and seen those I love suffer because of adultery. I have seen what it can do to a family and I hate it with a passion. I get violent over it...I did not know any of this without counselling. I dont know what your wifes fear is, and how you have opened it up. I just know that she loves you and is trying her hardest not to love you, or to make you not love her because she does not want you to hurt her, yet cant bring herself to push you away.I know that she needs you. I know that she needs your protection. I know that she needs you to say "I love you" over and over again like a broken record. I know that she needs to hear it in all 5 love languages (touch, gifts, words, quality time and acts of service)what I need to hear my husband say is "I love you, no one else will be you to me, you are precious." It wouldnt hurt if he said I was the most beautiful and that no one could ever compare.What your wife (might) want to hear is "I love you for you, and yes, I do want to have sex with you (how can I help it, you're irresistable) but I love you even if we dont because I love you more than sex" I cant know for sure, because I dont know exactly what she is longing for. In my case its security. I am guessing, in her case its unconditional love? I dont care if its rational. This is how I feel, and it might reflect some of what your wife feels....PS: dont worry about her never wanting to have sex, cus if she feels that thats not all you're after, if she feels safe, she'll be pretty eager to give her body...Any way, good luck. This whole marriage scene is tough hey?
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 May 2012):
 I think the only way to over come everything here is to arrange for the both of you to go to a marriage counsellor and sort all of these issues out. If she never shows affection any more and does not tell you she loves you any more then yes it is possible that she may have falling out of love with you. Talk to her and ask her what she wants.
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