A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My relationship has had it's ups and downs from the beginning.. now almost 3 years in, I have never felt more lost.Over the duration of the relationship, I have found out A LOT of dirty secrets about my boyfriend. For months, he would do nothing but make out with me and make excuses when it came to sex.. I began to think something was wrong with me and eventually my self-esteem went to crap. Whenever I would ask him why he won't have sex with me it would either be excuses, or a simple "I don't know." I would do stuff to him all the time, but recieve no pleasure in return. I did it because I was attracted to him, and wanted to please him. Now, I am no longer physically attracted to him. Not only that but I no longer feel any connection to him, let alone a romantic feeling. He would always dismiss me when I would try to tell him how I feel, so I eventually stopped asking. I just learned to deal with the way things were day to day. I don't feel any deep attachment to him as I did during the first 2 years of the relationship. He has abused me so much emotionally that I don't think I can really feel any emotion anymore. Over the years, I have found out he has been and continues to go on dating websites, hook-up websites, text, and call random girls all over the country. I have caught him do it, and yet he still denied it and continues to tell me that I am making it up all in my head and somehow, always turns it around on me. I have also found from going on his computer, that he doesn't only talk to these women but has built enough of a relationship to which they would send him money for his pity lying stories about getting a ticket, through paypal. I have seen texts to one women in which she asks him to check her cell phone bill to figure out why it was so high. That must mean that she has talked to him enough and trusts him enough to give him such personal information. May I add, this woman, along with the others do not live anywhere near our state. He is around me enough, that I know he doesn't fly out to see them or anything... it is just the matter that he is using these poor women just like he is using me.I have stopped going out of my way for this guy. I used to torment myself because I felt that no matter what I did for him, I was never going to be good enough. I cooked, cleaned, did his laundry and was always there whenever he needed me and all I simply asked for in return was some love and affection, which I never got.Just the other day he had the nerve to ask me if I was losing interest. Whenever, I would ask him that he would tell me that he doesn't want to talk about pointless shit because he can never make me happy, yet he never does anything for me in order to attempt to make me happy. He says because I don't cook and clean at his house anymore that I don't care anymore, and that I am always negative and no longer interested. I have been thinking about this alot because the truth is, I'm not. But he refuses to believe that he has pushed me away. He blames everything on me and says how if I fell out of love with him its his fault because he has been happy in the relationship from the start. Which I don't doubt because I always gave 100% whereas he never made any effort. He used to have random phone numbers in his phone calling him at odd hours at night, and naked pictures of random women saved on his computer. When I would point this stuff out to him, he would deny it, although the evidence is right there in his face. I guess I just didn't leave because I loved him too much, and I just found a way to deal with it. Because of it, I now feel that I can't trust anyone anymore, nor do I believe in love. I am ready to move on, but the thought that this is probably what he wants anyways so he can go use someone else who is clueless makes me mad. It also makes me mad that even when I present him with evidence he lies to my face and denies it and when I tell him I am not okay with a certain behavior he continues it anyways. I don't understand how anyone could disrespect a person this much. I am deeply hurt that he has the balls to say that I am the one losing interest and that he won't change how he acts because he is a great boyfriend to me. For the past few months, he feels like a stranger and I have stopped going to his house. We rarely really talk and when we do he just irrates me or we argue and somehow it is always my fault. There is so much to this storty that I had to skip because a lot of things has happened over the years. I guess I just don't understand why everyone sees him as a great guy and tell me to stop complaining because "if he's still with me, I must be doing something right" he has a way of making people believe what he wants them to believe. My question is, how can I leave this relationship with pride? I don't want him to think he has won and I sure as hell don't want him believing that I am clueless to everything that he does. I have a very close relationship to his mom, and even she has told me that I can do better. Sorry this is so lengthy, I guess I don't really expect anyone to read, but I am desprate for someone to listen my point of view, and if you're reading this, then I know you read my story. I'm not looking for pity, I just don't understand why is that even though I don't feel anything for him, and even though I am no longer IN love with him, why is it that I am afraid to leave him, or get sad when he tells me he feels a certain way? I mean after all he has done to me, why do I still care for him? Again, sorry this is so long.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Pretty and proud  +, writes (28 May 2012):
 Unorthodox really but....
1. Wait until he is out and sell his stuff
2. Tell him you are leaving him because you have found someone better
3. Do step 2 in front of people
4. Never look back
5. Move on and be happy
6. Forget that this low life user and liar ever entered your life
And im really sorry to say this, but
7. Break up with his mum
Good luck x
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (27 May 2012):
 You are afraid to move on because change is scary and frightening. It will be worth it in the long run, though, and keep reminding yourself of that. You both deserve more happiness (you especially! - not actually sure what he deserves to be honest).
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 May 2012):
 Time for you to set yourself free. How can you leave with your pride intact? BY walking away. The longer you stay the more you will "hate" yourself and resent him for it. So USE that pride and say, you know what, I think you and I are done.
It's not hard to care for people, but loving them and letting them love you back can be. Since he has abused your respect and trust for so long, it's OK to no longer feel that love for him. It happens. And it might make it easier for you to walk away.
Focus on your. Do what is right for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2012): A simple solution to this is to just say something along the lines of "I think we've both lost interest in each other, it doesn't matter who's fault it is and its pointless going down that road because it'll just lead to fights and what not, and I think its best we cut each other off completely and go our separate ways - its best in the long run" ... Its clear neither of you are happy anymore in each others lives so why waste time with each other. Leave him to do what he's doing, its upto those other women to figure out he's using them, and I'm sure you can find a person who will love you for you :)
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A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (27 May 2012):
 You can care for people without being in love with them.
In your case you both have drifted apart.
Your also used to his presence in your life; its become a habit for you.
Breaking a habit is not easy; so is this idea of getting on with your life without him is scary.
Yes care for him but it sounds like this relationship is over and its time to move on.
When you walk away , do it knowing that you did your utmost to make it work but it did not and know you deserve happiness and much better treatment!
Thats the way to move forward.
Goodluck!
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