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female
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anonymous
writes: I'm 18yrs old and I live with my boyfriend cause my mother kicked me out. Every morning I wake up to take my lil' sister to school and pick her up. My mother asks me watch her after school and on the weekends like I don't have anything else to do. All she does is party and stay out. She takes adventage of me and I don't even live there.If I try to tell her how I feel she'll take that as a disrespect. What am I to do without disrespecting her? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2005): If you are living an independent, self-supporting life from your Mother, you are not obligated to help her, whenever she calls on you. However for your little sister's sake-I admire your committment to her.If Mom is partying, I do worry about the effects this can have on your sister and it appears you are filling in the "mother" role here. I think it's time to have a talk with Mom. If your Mom is likely to respond by showing hostility, be demanding and rigid, and respond critically to you then your Mother may need some counselling. Mom's behaviour is wrong and I am very concerned for your sister, being in this environment. Little sister may be likely to withdraw from your Mother and show more aggressive behavior and disobedience, and initiate little positive peer and child-adult contact.
But in answer to your qusetion, you would not be disrespecting your Mother..you will simply be setting some boundries with her, letting her know that she must respect your own life and not call on you to take on her responsibilities. Let her know you can help sometimes, but not all the time. I think your little sister still needs you involved in her life but it should be done on your terms, not Mom's terms. Mom has become a bit too dependent on you to bail her out, when she's too tired and that's unfair. If you and Mom can't agree, it sounds like some family counselling may be something that Mom should consider. I wish you the best and Take care.
Hugs,
Irish
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2005): It is your mother who is showing disrespect for you. You have to tell her " NO", when you have other plans. Be available to help when you aren't doing something else, but you are now an adult, and in control of your own life. Schedule what you want to do, and then tell you mother in advance that she will have to make other arrangements to deal with any inconvenience. She will be upset- change is always upsetting- but she will get over it. If she give you a hard time, remind her that she kicked you out of the house, and what was she going to do when you were really gone from her life? That may sound hard, but it is the reality. Mothers make mistake, too. And, sometimes, children help their parents the most by demanding that their parents treat them with respect, too. No parent, brother sister, cousin, aunt, uncle, or grandparent should ever feel they have the right to " use you ". You would not put up with that from a non-relative for a minute,now, would you? Then, don't put up with it from your family, either. If you don't think you can face your mother yet, write her a letter. Tell her how it has to be, or you won't be available to watch your younger sister, or take her to school, or whatever again.
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