A
female
age
36-40,
*ee
writes:I'm 19 and my bf is 21 we were engaged and parents were OK about it. now,my mum has stopped me from talking to him and has said the wedding is off, he is looking for a job mum said because "he cant give me anything" i can't marry him.i am currently looking for a job, my parents don't allow me out with friends they have all moved away to university and have good lives. I love me bf a lot and he really does worship the ground i walk on. i don't know what to do to make things normal please help!!
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female
reader, kee +, writes (3 February 2007):
kee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionanother thing is im an indian girl an ive bin told that i gta act like an indian girl, both my parents have had affairs and thats affected me in a big way, ive always felt rejected by my dad bcos he has another daughter 4rm another relationships, an now ive started 2 feel rejected by my mum, shes started 2go out with friends n i knw she flirts with men, i feel controlled by my parents i just want them 2b happy 4me, i really do love my bf.
A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (2 February 2007):
 Hi again Kee,
If your mother and father are really concerned about *you*, then I highly doubt that they would stop talking to you after you moved out. (And if they did stop talking to you, then that only means they have their own issues to resolve - empty nest syndrome...)
Your parents shouldn't try to punish you for wanting to live life the way you want. The impression I get of them is that they are acting very childish by throwing tantrums so they get their way: you living at home and doing what they want you to do. This has to stop. Even if you don't think you're going to move out just yet, it wouldn't hurt to see what that would entail just in case you change your mind.
Or how about this - you could turn moving out around and try to make it sound like it's a good thing for everyone - not just the result of you being pushed around by them. Like you might want to bring it up one night when everyone's in a good mood. Maybe suggest to your parents that you would like to move out and you were wondering if they would want to go look at apartments with you. Then they would feel like they had a hand in sending you off, which might make them feel better about the whole situation. You could bring your mom on trips to buy stuff for your new place (if she's into that sort of thing) and ask your dad how to fix certain house problems (or vice versa - whatever they're good at.) It might just give them a "warm fuzzy" about the whole idea of you moving out.
Hope all goes well with that talk. If it doesn't and you plan on living at home, then I think some family counseling would do some good. I think it would help to create a better relationship between you and your parents. That way, instead of being strung out about your relationships your parents could learn to at least tolerate them. It would also be beneficial for you, as well, so that you understand where your parents are coming from. That way everyone would have a better understanding of one another's positions.
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A
female
reader, kee +, writes (2 February 2007):
kee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhya every1 i jus wana say thnk u soo much 4 ur advice its really helping me, theres jus 1 other thing if i move out my family wil not talk 2 me i do love them alot but i just wana live my family.i really don't know wat 2 do.i am going 2 try and talk 2 them but im not sure if it wil work.thnk u for ur support. x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2007): you 19, your mother has no choice, your an adult and can make your own choices.
its very obvious all your mother is worried about is social stature, rather then your happiness. she is probably more concerned at her next mothers club metting and having to tell her friends that he daughter's soon to be husband is un-employed.
what gets me is "parent dont allow me out", then move out, and your parents have no right to keep you inside anyway, like I pointed out before, your an adult not a 8 year old girl, I think your parents need a wake up call and need to accept your not a child anymore. and you need to provide that wake up call, sit them downa nd tell them how it is , even if you have to yell and scream at them, you need to or your never going to be able to move on.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (1 February 2007):
Hi Kee,
You are 19 - how can either of your parents forbid you to talk with *anyone*? Are you attending university, as well? Or are you just trying to find a job? Is your relationship with your boyfriend good other than your parents saying that your guy can't offer you anything? And why won't your parents let you out with friends??
I think it's time for a serious talk with your parents about how you are an adult and need to live for yourself. It's okay to make mistakes, because that's how we grow as individuals and learn how to cope with different situations. Whatever we learn in life, we can apply to things that may happen to us in the future, you know? You parents need to step back from parenting for a while and allow you to grow as a person and learn how to live your own life. If your boyfriend doesn't end up being the person you're happy being with for the rest of your life, then that's for you and him to figure out together - not with the "help" of a third party. Besides, every time someone tries to split up a couple (whether it be the parents, other family members, friends doing this) then the plan tends to backfire and the couple becomes even closer. The result is a lot of anger, frustration and resentment from the one trying to do the splitting and the people who have been subjected to that nastiness. While I'm sure that you are appreciative of your mother being protective, it really is doing nobody any good, is it?
When you talk with you parents, be sure to not get a tone, sound like you're trying to be smart with them, or raise your voice. This will only end up making them have reasons why you are still a "child." So I would stick to things like "I feel resentful towards you when you tell me that 'he can't give me anything.' I don't want to feel that way toward the both of you." Instead of "You're being a total jerk when you try to make him sound bad!" The first way lets them know how you feel about something they've actually said. It centers around you, your feelings, how you want the relationship to stay good between everyone. The second is probably going to offend them and they will get defensive and may not listen to your other points. You know what I mean?
If this doesn't work, then, Kee, I think it's about time you moved out of this oppressive house you're living in. I don't know what's up with your parents - whether or not they have good reason to be acting like this - but you're 19 and an adult. You should be able to go out with and be in romantic relationships with whoever you want.
If I were in your position, I would find that job and do everything I could to find a place to live on my own (or with a roommate). Figure out how much you'll need to make by creating a budget. Consider things like rent, electric bills, food, car costs/public transportation costs, etc. It might sound like a lot, but it's doable, you just have to manage your money and not spend it on frivelous things. Unless you get out of that unhealthy environment, you're going to keep staying frustrated and perhaps even become depressed, if you aren't already. I mean really - what would make you happier - living at home with your parents who don't let you go out with friends and make you stop contacting your guy but you don't have to manage money, or live on your own, go out with your friends, see your guy and just be mindful of expenses?
I hope this helps. Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2007): ok your parents need to realise that you are a grown woman!, they cant control you your an adult. you need to stand up to them and tell them that you want to marry this man and if they dont like it then its tough!. Everyone is unemployed at some point, but it doesnt mean that they are a bad person!.
I think that you need to start making steps to moving out its obvious to me that your parents have a really tight grip on your life, I think they see it as looking out for you but all they are doing is making you feel like you dont have any choices in life, and its not fair that your parents are doing this to you. They're probably finding it hard to deal with that your going to leave home one day and someone else is going to be looking after you.
But that is their problem not yours!.
I really think that you either need to stand up to them and tell tham that as long as you are living in their house you will respect their wishes, but they cant stop you from going out when you like, they cant tell you who you can or cant marry and they certainly can not stop you from moving out when you wish. If they dont like the sound of this then maybe you should see if you are able to live with your boyfriend until you can get a place together or alone, because this isnt fair on you, you need to go out and have fun and make mistakes and learn lessons for yourself.
Ok, hope I have helped.
let us know how things turn out.
XX
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