A
female
age
36-40,
*uroramox
writes:I’ve been having trouble deciding between two guys for months, and this weekend has brought me to the point where I really need to make a final decision.Guy A and I have been dating for nearly 4.5 years, starting when I was 17. Things went very well for a few years and I couldn’t have been happier. Slowly though, he started gaining weight, it really affected his self-confidence, and we had quite a few falling-outs over issues such as his refusal to take care of himself, clean up after himself, get good grades in college, etc. Getting good grades was a big issue because we both planned to move together to attend a very nice, expensive private college in another state. When the time came for that, I had to leave him behind, as I had the grades to get myself into the school on a good scholarship and he didn’t. That was last September. When I moved alone to the new state and school, 300 miles away from Guy A, I met Guy B. He was a wonderful friend to me first, and after about a month, he made it known to me that he was attracted to me. Things very slowly progressed and I continuously fought against my feelings for him and cast him aside, telling him I didn’t want him in my life on several occasions. Then I got very sick one night in January and Guy B came to take care of me and confessed he was in love with me. I feel the same way about him. The problem is that Guy B is a very independent, experienced man. I have problems accepting that he has been with so many other people in the past, because it’s something I’ve never had to deal with before, even though he assures me the past is the past. He says he’s never clicked as well with someone as he does with me, and I see his love as a much more mature sort of love than I’ve ever experienced. It’s intimidating and though I do love this man there is so much I have to look past to do it. There’s hardly anything he’s never done, he doesn’t have the clean record I’d prefer in a guy, although he’s never done anything incredibly “bad” per se, and has never strayed in a relationship. But he’s also been single for years and I’m not sure if his single-man habits would go away, which terrifies me. He says he wants to be completely devoted to me, but I need to make things legitimate with him.Over the weekend he broke his collarbone and I ended up taking care of him around the clock for four days. Throughout the weekend we had some very long talks and he made it clear to me, as he has on several occasions, that I mean a great deal to him, and he was very appreciative of all I was doing for him. It made me realize how much I care about him despite his imperfections and how much I want a real relationship with him, but I still don’t know what to do about Guy A, whom I’ve been with for years, and who makes me feel very secure. I feel like Guy A grants me stability and he is very trustworthy, but he doesn’t fully appreciate me, and we have developed bad communication issues since I moved away. I’m also very close to Guy A’s family though, and we share many mutual friends, so I feel guilty and I am also afraid of losing friends over a split with him, and bringing a lot of anger on myself from his family members. I don’t know if it is worth still holding out for Guy A, whom I’ve had problems with for two years, to move down here and get his act together, or if I need to take a risk and start something new with Guy B, whom I still regard with uncertainty. Last time Guy A visited me he didn’t want anything to do with me physically, and refuses to do anything to make himself better for me (just regular baths and shaving, and exercising, nothing extreme). Guy B also makes me uncomfortable though because he’s an extremely social person, always on the phone or hooking up with his friends to play a table-top strategy game he is very into. I’m a very quiet person with few friends (but good ones) so it makes me worry about feeling neglected. Guy B and I have great communication between each other though which has been very unusual for me to find. He’s not as deep or intellectual as Guy A, but he is much more fun to be around. I just know that Guy A would be in it for the long haul with me, but I’m not sure he’ll ever satisfy me in the same way Guy B does. Guy A is my steady rock, but he doesn’t accept me, warts and all, the way Guy B does.I just feel like it could still be the wrong choice to give up on Guy A when I may never find someone as trustworthy and dedicated again. But I may also never find someone as passionately appreciative and fully accepting of me as Guy B. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, enjoimx +, writes (9 March 2009):
 Sounds like your relationship with Guy A has truly run its course./ The love that once existed has moved on like the breeze, which is what love does sometimes. Change is a fact of life. Dont pass up your feelinfs for guy B, it doesnt matter which one is better, all that matters is how you feel, and I get the feel from this post that you have moved on from Guy A....no need to string him along any more.
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