A
female
age
41-50,
*uper33
writes:Hi all, Really I am writing this to see if anyone ever experienced the same problem as I have and if there was a solution. 2 and a half years ago I met my boyfriend from Spain. He sat beside me on the train, we got chatting, he asked for my number and we ended up dating for a year before he had to return to Spain. He was incredibly romantic, the perfect guy, affectionate, kind and loving so I had no hesitation to move with him to Spain when he asked me to go. I gave up a great job, my friends and family and the security that living in your own country brings to be with him. I couldn’t speak Spanish so things were hard at the start with me relying on him for everything but I persevered and made friends and got a job in the first week I arrived. In Spain the dynamics of the relationship were different, I felt insecure at times as I didn’t know what people were saying and sometimes when we went out I had some issues where I didn’t trust him, not that he ever did anything wrong for me not to trust him. I moved on from this and things were going ok but gradually we began to get to know each other better and he turned out a little differently to what I expected. He didn’t help much around the house and he was brutally honest with me in relation to many things, the clothes I wore, how I looked, how I spoke etc. often criticizing me. I am a very positive person and outgoing with people but he criticized this and said I was too nice and too trusting and that people would take advantage of me. He felt that my behaviour was a reflection of him. He continued to be affectionate and warm but these issues kept raising their head in the relationship. I am open to criticism but I felt that he was trying to change an inherent part of me and this would make me feel resentful towards him and hurt by him and of course I would react to what he said. Anyway, we continued to live together for 1 year and a half and then 4 months ago he lost his job. I am a teacher so I often had time off during the day so he was under my feet at home all the time. Things started to get really bad between us this last month where he began to mimic how I express myself, tell me my opinions make no sense and were idiotic and tell me that he felt embarrassed by me when I spoke. I explained to him that I was learning a new language, that often I cannot express how I feel exactly in Spanish and that he was making me so nervous to speak to him that I would come out with stupid things. Obviously he didn’t understand. He went through periods where he completely ignored me and when he told me he was zoning out from me. We have ended the relationship 4 times over the last month because of this, but he keeps coming back, telling me that he loves me and that he can’t live without me. Today we broke up for the last time and this time it is serious and I will not be stupid enough to return to him now. I believe that a relationship is about acceptance and honesty but he fails to realise that to love someone you must accept and take the rough with the smooth. He is 2 years younger than me and has never been in a serious relationship before. The saddest and hardest thing for me is to see how much he has changed in the last few months and to see how easy it is for him to hurt me when I believed him to be such a good guy. Do you think that if he got a job again things would go back to the way they were or do you think I should cut my losses and leave him for good?
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a break, broke up, insecure, lost his job, period Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2009): he might change toward being a litle happier than he is now jobless, but that's really doesn't matter.
As you said he became a different man before he lost his job
His critisizm of you started long before that.
That's a very classical story, they good before and then when you get to know them w/all their human qualities they aren't as good anymore.
he doesn't help around the house it sucks, but it wouldn't be that bad if he was otherwise good and respectfull to you. Soory, it didn't work out.
Are you going to stay in Spain?. Beatifull country
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