A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I don’t have anything to gain from writing this post. I guess its just a way to say what is on mind and get it off my chest.When you break up with someone, yes it is sad but then you move on. I’ve just had a rather drawn out break up, and for some reason I don’t think I will get over it. A friend pointed out that sometimes you never do get over something, but you can move past it. Nothing feels right about the break up and quite honestly I feel like my ex is in denial. I have in the past, I always walked away from a relationship without regret. This feels completely different.Our relationship developed quite quickly (emotionally not physically), and at the 3/4 month mark, things slightly were not adding up. I wont even go into the details, however, as soon as I knew that he had developed real feelings, he pulled the reigns in. Hindsight is a great thing, and where I tried to understand, was more than patient and basically gave him all the assurance I could about my feelings etc., there was this wall there. I knew there was a cheating ex, but apart from that, he didn’t open up.So he decided to end things, his decision and I had to accept it, even though I was wildly confused.By pure chance, I found something which could indicate that he had a child. I couldn’t face speaking to him, so I wrote to him. He confirmed back to me that he had a daughter and oh my god, did I feel relieved. Everything which hadn’t added up made perfect sense. He had wanted to tell me about her, but it got progressively more difficult to tell me as the relationship developed. I know he should have told me from the start, but can also see why he may not have in the first couple of dates etc.. I have no grievance on that front. I wish he had told me as it would have saved a lot of heartache all round when I couldn’t figure out about his availability for instance. I understand other women have left him as soon as they realise about his daughter, but, I had fallen in love with him, and in quite a soppy sense, I felt like I had missed out on the things which mattered to him for real. I never saw him smile as she spoke about her, I never was able to ask how their day went when they were together. There would have being zero confusion in our relationship if he had just blurted it out about her, rather than wonder what to do, and then leave it until the point where he felt he had to break up with me.His feelings are still there, but he feels that he is damaged goods as a result of everything that went through with his ex over his daughter. He has not maintained a relationship since. He said that if we had met before he had had his daughter that he would have guaranteed me the world, but now doesn’t feel like he can give me what I deserve etc.. He said all this when he was telling me about his daughter and before he knew I was totally accepting of the situation and that I would never have left him if he had told me etc.. I cannot do anymore than tell him these things.I really don’t know how to move past this. I know the cliché time is a great healer will come into play, but I do wish it would come soon. I am in tears or simply sad all the time, and I am trying to do things e.g. see friends, speak to family etc to keep occupied. My ultimate aim is to move on, because I must stop “hoping” that he will see things for what they are and not what he thinks they are. Even if he were to contact me, I know I couldn’t go back to him immediately, as I do need to get myself back to “normal” too.Sorry it is such a long post.
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male
reader, TimmD  +, writes (19 July 2010):
 You are doing the right thing by moving forward. As you said, you cannot wait around forever.
Hope you are doing well and feeling better from your operation. Good luck in the future. :-)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell thank you both for your insights. And you are completely right about him having "issues". I have obviously verbally tried to reassure him, both about him and of course his circumstance. As I know there "issues", and sometimes words can be cheap, I did write it all out to him, so he would not be left with any doubt of my true me. I also, made it clear that I had brought a past relationship into ours, and that I was at fault.
I will be brutally honest here, but probably only because its an anonymous posting. It was more love than lust at the beginning for definate. We had our first few dates, and because I liked him so much, I didnt allow any bedroom action, but we were affectionate and cuddly without that. Then I suddenly got very sick and had to have an operation, so for the first three month of the relationship, we were not able to progress at all. He was A1, totally by my side while I recuperated etc.. I knew then he wasnt with me for "one thing", and he actually said he was happy because we were building something real and special.
The only point I am trying to make is, he was with me for the right reasons, he wasn't just with me for a fling.
My mum/couple of friends, believe he thinks he is not good enough for me (self esteem problem), which is completely untrue from me perspective. But would add up in relation to questions he would ask me, "would you not wish for someone more handsome" "do you not want someone who can spend more time with you" "would you not want someone richer" etc etc.. But I am a simple person, and yes I have worked hard for what I have etc., but what else would one do. I dont want anything from him, except his arm around my shoulder - you cannot buy that.
Every day, someone asks "have you heard from him yet"? I keep saying to them that I won't hear from him, because well there is not gaurantees and I do need to move on/get past this. I can't live in the past, and yes, I do hope that my phone will beep/ring, or an email will arrive - but that is not a healthy way to live or get through this. Other people don't believe its the end, but I need to believe it is, I am just going around in circles otherwise.
Thank you again xx
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (19 July 2010):
Sometimes moving past something involves putting things into perspective and understanding WHY things happen. Do you understand why this happened? Sometimes love, or lust in this case, has a way of blinding us from reality.
He has issues. You said it yourself when he told you he hasn't maintained a relationship, since. On the surface, keeping his daughter a secret so you wouldn't get scared away is a valid excuse, but if you look deeper then you realize it's not. His daughter is a part of him and his life. He should be completely open and honest with women he dates because that's who he is. They must accept that. If he lies, then he's just pretending to be someone he is not.
He may use the excuse "well other girls were scared away when I told them..." but he doesn't understand that those girls weren't right for him, then. It's simple, he should be honest and open from the beginning and when he finds the "right" girl, she will accept that about him. And because of is inability to be honest, it looks like he may have past up the right girl in you.
Now, to prove my point even more, look at his reaction to you finding out his "secret". Not only did you guess it correctly, but you are openly saying you understand why he lied and are willing to try to make things work. His reaction? He puts himself down by saying he's "damaged goods" and then says "If I had met you before he had his daughter he would have guaranteed you the world...". This shows that A: He's got self esteem issues, and B: he's trying to rationalize why he doesn't want to get close to you.
That is an incredibly mean thing to say to someone... saying things would be different if etc. He's right, he is damaged goods but not for the reason he thinks. He has some serious issues regarding commitment and intimacy. There's no easy way for you to just snap out of your heartbreak, the only thing you can do is try to realize the truth... he's got some issues. Trust me, if you did manage to be in a relationship with him you would see all of this yourself once you got past the "lovey dovey" stage of the relationship. Just be glad you didn't get in too deep to see it.
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A
female
reader, LoveIsStrongerThanPride +, writes (19 July 2010):
 Wow sorry to hear. Its very hard to move past when you are really in love. You are doing the right thing, stay busy, make friends and try to have fun. The sadness will go away, it can't stay with you forever. Also, is there anything you get lost in? For instance.. when I read fiction books, I get so lost and completely forget my life momentarily. Well good luck...be strong....and stay happy.
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