A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello, Ive been with an alcoholic for a year now, he doesn't drink everyday, but when he does he can't stop and can go on for four or five days.He told me he was a bad person and warned me of his drinking when we first got together.When sober, he is everything to me, funny, loving, caring, just perfect. I can seperate him from the disease. But when he is off drinking, nothing can stop him and I just let him go. He wouldnt cheat, its not about that, he just loves booze more than me.After his last bender, I didnt hear from him again (we don't live together) for 6 days, in which he called full of remorse.I know I can't be with a man whi has no desire to stop drinking, he admits he is an alcoholic but takes no steps to stop, I have told him I would support him.I saw him two days ago, he told me he loved me but didn't want to drag me down with his self destructive mission.Now I know I have to be strong, move on etc, but how can I when I'm so in love with him?He is 35 years old with 2 children from a past relationship. Its so hurtful seeing him so ravished from this illness.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 August 2010):
 I'll tell you what's even more hurtful. It's losing someone close to you to alcohol, and I mean permanently. I mean as in death caused by complications of alcohol abuse.
I know it's not something you've chosen or want, and you've done EVERYTHING you can to fix things. The whole problem is that it's not your situation to fix. It's his and unless he WANTS to get it fixed, there's nothing to you can do. You can be the most supportive, loving and smashing person the face of the planet, but until this man fesses up to the need to stop drinking, he's going to be stuck where he is.
Did I mention this is unfair? Of course it's unfair and awful, tragic and sad, a horrible waste of a life. Alas, all you can do is give it some time and try to channel your feelings into very busy activities for now. I do hope he gets the help he needs. Good luck.
A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (20 August 2010):
 Yeah, Cerebrus, I think what you're getting riled up about is that an addict has choices and needs to be held responsible, well he does when he is in recovery, and he has to take responsibility for his actions, however, they know better than to rely solely on themselves to maintain sobriety and here's why.
Once a Cucumber beomes a Pickle, it will NEVER be a Cucumber again.
At a cellular biological level, alcoholism changes a person at the cell level, they will alway be an alcoholic and alcohol is their poison, one drink and they are back into the disease. When they are in their disease, they have to have medical intervention to withdraw from it or their body will start to shut down, here is an excerpt of what happens:
Clinical researchers working at drug and alcohol treatment centers have measured this overactivation in patients, and even patients with moderately severe alcohol withdrawal can experience sympathetic nervous system overactivity and increased production of the adrenal hormones cortisol and norepinephrine, that can be toxic to nerve cells. For some, who are less chemically dependent, withdrawal symptoms might be as "mild" as merely getting the shakes, or the sweats -or perhaps nausea, headache, anxiety, rapid heart beat, and increased blood pressure. Although these symptoms are uncomfortable and irritating, they are not necessarily dangerous. But they are often accompanied by the "craving" for more alcohol, making the decision to continue abstinence much more difficult to make. Even the "morning after" hangover of someone who only occasionally drinks in excess, is actually a mild form of alcohol withdrawal from the excesses of the night before, as the alcohol content of their blood begins to drop.
However, and very often with alcohol addiction, hallucinations may develop within six to 48 hours after the last drink. These are usually visual hallucinations but they can also involve sounds and smells. They can last a few hours or up to weeks at a time.
Also within this time frame after quitting, convulsions or seizures can occur, which is the point at which the alcohol withdrawal can become dangerous, if not medically treated. The symptoms may progress to delirium tremens after three to five days without alcohol. Alcohol withdrawal delirium, or delirium tremens, typically begins 48 to 72 hours after the last drink and is preceded by the typical signs and symptoms of early withdrawal, although these may be masked or delayed by other illnesses or medications. Signs of sympathetic hyperactivity (such as tachycardia, hypertension, fever, and diaphoresis) are often profound and are hallmarks of alcohol withdrawal delirium, among other symptoms such as profound confusion, disorientation and extreme cardiovascular disturbances. Once delirium tremens begins, there is no known medical treatment to stop it. Grand mal seizures, heart attacks and stroke can occur during the DT's, all of which can be fatal. The mortality rate is to be between 1% to 5% and increases with delayed diagnosis, inadequate treatment, and concurrent medical conditions.
So, for those who have committed themselves to not drinking again, or forced by circumstances to not have access to alcohol, the struggle to fight the withdrawal symptoms can become a dangerous battle, one that can actually become life threatening. On the other hand, the hardness of the withdrawal syndrome leads to a very high risk of relapse during the early withdrawal period, in part because drug craving is easily triggered by encounters with or thinking of drug-associated stimuli.
For these reasons, detoxification treatment without the appropriate medical management and level of care constitutes a great health and even life risk for patients. On the other hand, repeated and inadequately treated withdrawals could produce future withdrawals of increased severity. Many investigators believe that chronic alcoholics who cannot maintain abstinence should receive pharmacotherapy to control withdrawal symptoms, thereby reducing the potential for further seizures and brain damage.
You are not going to win this argument that alcoholism is not a disease "process" not with recovering addicts in our families and non recovering ones, and now you've heard from at least one in person what it is like to actually have an addiction...
Seems you have a problem with Christianity, and 12 step programs, but I've never heard of a 12 step program that dictates to a recovering addict who or what their higher power has to be, God or Jesus, Buddah, whomever, just that they have to have faith in something bigger than themselves, and bigger than their disease and the faith that they can beat it one day at a time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2010): No offence Oldersister, but the 12 step program is a religious recovery program. Of course they tell you to give yourself to a higher power to cure you, they tell you to turn to God and that you have to let him cure you.
It might work for some, but it's not a psychological nor clinical program, it's religious.
Of course that program tells you that you have a disease that only God can cure, that's how religious programs work. That is the doctrine of all religions, God saves. The 12 step program is more designed to convert new followers than it is to cure people.
I'm not denying it has helped thousands, perhaps millions of people over the years but that doesn't take away from the fact that it seeks to promote the Christian God as the saviour of the addict.
Telling an addict it's not their fault, that they have no control, that they are weak and need to turn to God is shameless missionary work preying on the vulnerable and weak in our society, just like they do to homeless people, starving people, children etc. Spread the word of God by offering to help someone is the oldest trick in the book and I hear it guarantees you a nice seat in heaven too, hell if I was starving and some guy had a loaf of bread I'd believe anything he said too.
Thinking you have no control over something is a defeatist attitude that can hinder and even prevent someone from facing the reality of their situation, fair enough if you're willing to accept that a fictitious magical all powerful being can inhabit you and cure you of your ailments but to those that don't believe they have to find that strength within themselves and the first part of that is to recognize that only the addict can recover and only when they realize they're the ones in control of their lives and you can't blame the addiction for anything.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2010): Male anon, I understand the disease concept from a psychological viewpoint, unfortunately it is used by regular people as means of removing personal responsibility from alcoholism.
When people view it as a disease or an illness that is out of a persons control then they fail to recognize the fact that it is in essence a form of self harm. Alcoholism is an addiction and should only be stated as such, it's something someone chooses to do. Yes the addiction is fierce and yes it can be insanely difficult to resist the urges, that is after all the nature of addiction.
But the amount of alcoholics and drug addicts I've known to use the disease concept to remove their responsibility from their addiction and to say 'I can't help it, it's a disease' just makes it worse for them. Calling it a disease and saying they lose control is a cop out. Any recovering alcoholic or drug addict which I've worked out will tell you that.
I'm not trying to belittle addictions or say they're menial or anything like that. They're life destroyers, but at the start of recovery for any addiction is taking responsibility, understanding that no matter what, you are the one who is in control, not the addiction and you are the only person that can beat it.
Calling it a disease or saying it is the addiction that is in control, is counter productive to recovery. Recovery takes a hell of a lot of strength and will power, it doesn't help if an addict thinks things are out of their hands. It is always a conscious choice to pick up that bottle of booze.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2010): Some good advice, and IMO some that's a bit harsh.The 'disease concept' of Alcoholism is a method to explain that at some point alcoholics lose control over their ability to stop drinking. It is not an attempt to say it is a legitimate disease. Most alcoholics at their bottom find that alcohol no longer works for them... that the feelings it created can no longer be had, and worse, that they still crave the drink. It's a living hell that propels SOME (sadly no where near all) to seek help.You can not control him, and your offer to support him (while kind) is actually one of the worst things you can do (it's called enabling). He needs to hit his bottom and find himself desperate and willing to change. It's the only way out.Now, how to help you. Make no mistake, you are suffering from alcoholism... your just not the drunk. Alcoholism often takes a larger toll on the freinds and family, as they suffer (sober) while the drunk bangs around, sometimes in a total black out.You need to take care of you and move the focus from him back to you. Al-anon is a great organization to help give you a foundation to address this. Find a meeting near you (they are nearly everywhere, and often) and get to it. If you don't click with the people there, find another one, repeat until you find a place where you feel at home.You'll learn a lot, one thing I learned was how to laugh again... it had been years. Life is a WHOLE lot better now!
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (18 August 2010):
Well, I understand that you could not know that the man was a full blown alcoholic as some of them are what is known as a functional alcoholic and they can hide it very well, except when you get intimately involved then you find out and see the devestation of their illness.
It is a progressive disease, he started out as a social drinker, and I bet he showed signs of being a heavy social drinker which you chose to ignore, and then the addiction finally took hold over him, at this point he really doesn't have a choice in the matter and won't be able to quit unless someone intervenes and that only works if someone with either monetary power or familial power over him threatens to disown him and call him out on his behavior. Usually professiona intervention is required at late stage alcoholism. You being just a girlfriend, are not going to be able to be that person who has power over him, and he may be so well off like my Uncle was that there was no one that could take his money away etc....he failed his intervention and he died two short years later of a blood disease similar to luekemia, which alchohol sped along.
My concern is for you and your focus on you. You have to ask yourself why you chose to stay in this relationship past the first episode, or when you found out the truth. Why did you choose to put yourself in inevitable harm? Why didn't you run not walk away from this guy?
Are you the same poster who at age 30-35 wants to know why oral sex is pleasurable to a man?
Reason I am asking is it seems to me like you are way too other focused and not focused on pleasing you, and getting the things and people in your life that can enrich your life and not turn it to a pile of shit.
Some people are happy as dung beetlse in a pile of poop, but most healthy people are not. Perhaps you feel that your life isn't up to you and that you place all your self esteem on the judgements of others and on goals that you can't achieve through your own efforts to become a better person, but whether or not you are considered attractive by men, sexually desirable, attractive, rich, fashionably dressed etc. You don't have any control over other people or their view of you or of achieving those extrinsic goals.
I think if you set some goals for yourself to actually achieve something in your life that makes you more educated, more spiritual, more self aware, you will be happier and more strong in your choices even when it comes to choosing to leave a man who is not capable of giving you a healthy relationship. Loving someone is not a reason to stay, although it is painful to see someone you care about destroy your hopes and dreams as well as yours, the alternative is continuing a dysfunctional relationship that will give you nothing but loss of control over your own happiness.
Put your focus on being the best you you can be, stop offering to fix people or help them financially, or support them in their addictions and you will be less depressed, it really is that simple.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): well i'm your best friend... and i know you have to let go!!! You do deserve better and everyones so right the addiction will always win and it will RUIN your life....I love you you will get over this man you just need to avoid him at all costs and start dating other men xx il be here for you forever no matter what xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): Hi
The age old problem, the demon rum.
You have an honest man who has a illness and knows he has.
You have to be aware there is no way on this planet he will stop drinking for you or anyone, which his past will no doubt prove already. He can only stop for himself as you probably know anyway. if you choose to be with him then you must accept that this is going to be your way of life. Can yu survive the ups and downs? the rollercoaster cycle. In time you will get worn down and be ravished yourself with illness if he gets worse. It hurts and he knows this, he can't help hurting himself and you. No good ever pointing blame at him or giving him a choice that won't work either. You need to support him by detaching yourself from his illness,and taking care of you. You want to be the one who saves him ,no no no ...he may well get worse as he gets older and you won't be saying words like 'it's so hurtfull' you''ll be pulling your hair out begging him not to die as he lay's in hospital with liver failure and doctors refuse to operate.
If your not sure you can hack the rollercoaster ride get off at the next stop.
I wish you luck whatever you decide to do, but you must look after you and have a healthy detachment if you choose to stay. Some do manage to beat the drink but many don't
and often have to hit rock bottom before they start to really try, loosing everyone and everything, they loose themselves.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): ** I am the OP
Thank you Cerberus, everything you say is right.
It's soul destroying, it'll take alot to get over this man, but I have no choice.
I pray he will get through this on his own xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): Firstly let me make this clear to you, alcoholism is not a disease nor is it an illness. It's an addiction, a choice.
It's important you realize the difference, calling it a disease is a vain attempt to remove personal responsibility from what he is doing but he chooses to go out and buy the alcohol and he chooses to let it have this kind of effect on his life.
People don't choose diseases, cancer is a disease, tell me one person in the history of the world that would choose to have cancer.
Make no mistake he chooses to be an alcoholic, he told you this himself when you first met him. He can choose to stop but he won't, remember it's 'won't' not 'can't'. Addictions are hard to get over but not impossible, he won't even try.
He's doing the right thing by you, by letting you go. You have to also realize that while you pity him, he actually chose alcohol over his relationship with you. Alcohol is more important to him than you are.
So yes, you do have to let go of him and you have to stop viewing his choice and addiction as some kind of disease, he isn't a cancer patient lying in hospital trying to spare you the pain of watching him die.
He's a guy that's openly choosing to destroy his life and his relationship with you, with a dangerous addiction which is very solvable.
Look it's a very sad situation you find yourself in, to see someone destroy themselves on purpose is one of the hardest things we will witness in our lifetimes. But you have to realize you can't help him and he's actually trying to help you, so you should do what he wants and move on. The fact is he doesn't want the added guilt of knowing he's hurting you too, it's actually only going to spur him to keep drinking because he'll drink to get rids of that guilt too.
Let him go and move on, that's all you can do, for your sake and his, don't stand by and let him drag you down with him perhaps he'll find a way of getting through this on his own.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): ** ok thankyou, I am the original poster,
when I said he told me he was a bad person when we first got together, it didn't come out until three months into our relationship, I have known him 20 years and thought he was just a social drinker.
I have never thought for one moment that I could change him, I know he has to change for himself.
I know about alcoholism, it's the moving on part im struggling with.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): Well there you have it...he told you from DAY ONE who he was, but you thought you could "change him" into the man you wanted or thougth he could be and in the end you got burned. I say cut your loses and move on if you can manage too. There isn't much help anyone can give you because, you knew what you were getting into, but you too the dive anyways. Also, when dealing an addict or someone who abuses legal or illegal substances, you must get this one thing straight- THE ADDICTION ALWAYS COMES FIRST, no matter what. It comes first before they're health, it comes first before the job, in comes first before God, it comes first before the kids, thus it will come first before YOU too. There is nothing you can do to change that...all the sex, all the love, all the emotional and mental support in the world WILL NOT HELP. They have got to get to a point where they are fed up and will help themselves. And even at some point if they do decide to get help, they will pretty lead a selfish life because, they will always be an addict...just a recoverying addict. So they are going to spend the rest of they're lives battling and resisting the urge to fall back into that addiction. If this is the kind of life you wish to lead...the choice is yours, but there will be many, many unhappy days and nights, alot of crying, alot of praying, alot of drama and etc. Dealing with a person with an addiction will take it's toll on you sooner rather than later.
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