A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I had an affair with a man for 9 months. The affair ended 3 months ago. I found out he was married with children after it ended. The way the affair ended was very abrupt and involved a terminated pregnancy. There was never an opportunity to say goodbye. His wife found out about everything after it ended, but I'm pretty sure he reconciled with his wife and family. I'm also married and trying to work through and continue my relationship with my husband. But every time I think I'm making progress, I feel like I take two steps back. I know I'm to never see my ex-lover again and I'm pretty sure he never wants to see me again...but I miss him. After everything was over, I wrote an email, saying everything that I wanted to say and sent it to him, so at this point, there's no need to contact him again - all is off my chest....but how do I emotionally move past all of this?? Will time just heal all of this? On the surface, everything is beginning to get back to normal in my life, but there's a part of me that longs for that affair again, and I feel guilty and horrible because my husband forgave me and I have a second chance in my marriage...how do I emotionally move past this affair? I thought I would be over all of this after three months...but I'm not.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2010): Ok, I respect your decision. I also find it strange that you are in therapy but also tried to seek advice and guidance from DC aunts. Perhaps stick to the professionals since they have the training and necessary tools to help their patients. The aunts here, we are only human. Take care
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your questions and suggestions. I'm dealing with all these issues in therapy and don't feel the need to dive into them deeper on this website. At the moment, I have been focusing on healing myself. The relationship can come later when I'm in a better place. Thank you for your interest in responding to my concerns.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2010): i hear what you are saying but there are a few questions/suggestions:- the physical abuse: when did it start and although you tred to explain why you stayed. my question is WHY? What triggers your hb to abuse you. what makes him cross that line and what makes him lose control. Did he want to control you. did he want to make you "pay" for not listening to him?- i realise that we ALL want and need to be loved. You are crying out for love, for affection and for intimacy. i understand this. i can identify with this. but how can you expect to have someone love you when you are struggling to love yourself?- you say you do not feel sorry for your hb. i think part of you hates him, isn't it. that hatred for him is unhealthy. it gives that other person power over you. it means that in your hatred you want to hurt him and abuse him and in fact you did: with the affair and subsequent pregnancy. ENOUGH. Two wrongs do not make a right. two wrongs cannot be condoned. you both are destroying each other and it has to stop.- you say you both are in counselling. with your apparent hatred for hubby and your last sentence, i believe you are wasting everyones time. yours, the hb and the counsellor. you have already made up your mind that this marriage has failed. no reconciliation. you are planning to find love and happiness elsewhere. if this is the reality then just end the marriage. then spend that positive energy to heal and move on. without your hb. - i wish you well and ultimately i wish you HAPPINESS AND PEACE.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand your point, and I'm agreeing with you that I did a terrible thing and I cheated when I should have just walked away from my abusive marriage. Again, I had no idea that my ex-lover was married with children until after he found out that I was pregnant and abandoned me. My husband did a background check on my ex and found out about his marriage and family status. To my understanding, I believe that they're working through their problems and continuing their life; that's wonderful. I would never want to break up a family. If I ever knew he was married, let alone with children, I would have never been with him. Will I cheat again? I think I've learned my lesson. The miscarriage was a sobering experience, to say the least. I suppose my previous responses focused on my motivations and sequence of events that brought me to cheat. I never cheated before, nor did I come from a broken home of any sort. My husband previously cheating on me deeply effected my confidence, along with the years of physical abuse. I should have walked away long ago, but I stuck around for years trying to make the relationship work, trying to repair the cracks, but I failed. His physical abuse got worse and I gave up and fell for another man. I'm not victim here, but someone who is severely, emotionally damaged. Honestly, I don't feel sorry for my husband and maybe that's wrong, but my love grew to hate every time he beat me. For years, I desperately looked for work outside of our business so I could afford to move forward. Too bad the economy has been so bad. Ironically now, I found work and I'm in therapy and working through all of these issues. I know it's wrong of me to pine for an affair that was lie....with man who I found out after-the-fact had a family....but it was the last emotional connection I had to someone. I will never disturb his life, nor anyone else's, dealing with this emotional problem, but I'm just being honest for a moment when I say I miss him. It will fade with time and hopefully my life will become my more stable as I take it by the reins, and maybe when I deserve it, I'll fall in love again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2010): Just because my husband hasn't cheated on me and me on him does it mean that I do not understand the dynamics of marriage and life. It is so easy to cheat and then cry wolf, to say sorry after the fact , yet leave a trail of pain and devastation on innocent peoples lives. Cheating is a choice. Understand this. And accept it. It is so easy to open ones legs to a 3rd party instead of fixing cracks in a relationship, so easy to invest in someone else instead in your life partner. To me I have chosen and my choice is very simple: I choose to remain honorable and true to my hb and I have that same expectancy. If he does not I will be devastated yes, but I will survive. I am a legal professional and I witness the harshness of life and marriage often. I see the effects of betrayal and people, especially women who have to pick up the pieces when their hbs stray. I read of their pain and I see devastation. I may not have walked in your cheating shoes but I know the reality of adultery. Some of my close friends and family have lived through it and this has had a ripple effect. Me engaging so passionately/ strongly about what you have done should not be so out of the ordinary. It is a harsh reality and it scares me with the tone of your replies. I said from the start that I actually feel sorry for your hb and inspite of all your negative potrayal of him ,I firmly believe that it takes 2 to tango. Your affair did not just mess up your lives you almost messed and ruined an innocent womans and her innocent kids lives. So you are not an innocent victim here. You freely screwed a married man who had kids and you cared nothing about the consequences. Now that he has chosen his wife and family you play the innocent victim. Look at your actions,you wanted to destroy your hb with your affair and you did not give a damn about him. If another man comes along, you are ripe for another affair and no matter how much of counselling you and hubby go through, you will stray if you feel the need. I think you are your own worse enemy right now because you have not had the moral convictions to see your wrongdoings. Falling pregnant with your married lovers kid was the ultimate betrayal. Perhaps one day you may finally grow up and realise that actions have consequences and that no matter how much we pretend, we cannot escape the truth. I really wish you well and please choose wisely going forward. Sometimes we do not get a second chance in life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionone last question....maybe I'll hear back from you...maybe not....
why did you feel the need to engage this topic so intensely with me if it didn't pertain to you directly in some way? I've written a few times on this forum and haven't received a response quite like yours...
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree on the fact that I need to learn to love myself again before I dive back into a relationship. The abuse, combined with other external situations, deeply effected my confidence. The reason I stayed with my husband, despite the abuse, wasn't because of financial reasons. We're both fellow artists and working together is where we shine creatively, but that's a separate bond that we share beyond our marriage. Actually, it's the financial struggle that dominated our fighting, but working together is the only way we've learned how to make money in our business so far.
And I wasn't exacting looking for a knight in shining armor with my ex-lover, maybe just a stepping stone. I've never really lived a mundane life - by any means - so it wasn't the excitement that allured me. The job he offered was more of investment opportunity in my creative business ventures, a benefactor, if you will. It's difficult to be an artist in this economy and if that's the only trade you know, well...when you have lemons, make lemonade...but it's always helpful to have sugar...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2010): thank you for providing more info. and to your question whether my husband cheated on me. No he has not and i am almost certain that he will not. ( in life there are so many uncertainties so therfore i say "almost certain" , as you know the wife/hb is always the last to know of an affair).both you and your hb have hurt each other tremendously. him with the physical abuse and you with the emotional abuse. both have cheated and both have crossed boundaries. you wanted a way out and having an affair seems like a way out and i am sure you hoped to run away with your lover. as for your hb , he betrayed you before and i think after marriage with affairs. you have no kids together, both have been unfaithful, both 'Abusing" each other, what makes you both stay with each other. is it that you both deserve each other, you both understand each other?? why stay with a man that you do not love or even like? for the financial stability? if it is then unfortunately you have made a choice that for the financial stability you have to put up with your hb's abuse. weigh up the costs. is it worth it. you speak of an act of selfishness or perhaps desperation. all i know that sometimes things happen for a reason. you may not see it now but having that miscarriage was a blessing in disguise. imagine an innocent kid being brought into your world and the stigma attached to it. you found out after the fact that your lover was married. i think if you had a choice you would have continued nevertheless however he was wise enough to cut it off completely. you were looking for a knight in shining armour , arriving to rescue you from your mundane life instead you got a con artist, a manipulative pig who cut you off without a moments notice. instead of looking for someone to recue you, how about looking AT YOURSELF to rescue you. learn to love yourself and learn to stand up for yourself.someone once said: how can you expect another person to love you when you cannot love yourself. i think about this statement often and i have tried to teach my kids this as well. you may feel that i have been very emotional in my response to you but in life when we keep moving the goalpost and we continuously condone wrongdoing, it means that our moral fibre is questionable. it is so easy to throw in our lot with the rest and not stand out and not have convictions. it is so easy to cross boundaries in marriage and not work at our own problems in marriage but when we are alone, with no one to impress and no faking, how do we face ourselves and how do we live with ourselves in the end. when we are alone and we account to ourselves how do you justify to ourselves our choices and our betrayals. in the end do we fool ourselves? or do we try to right the wrongs and we try to make amends and we learn to be honest and we learn to overcome our challenges.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have no kids with my husband, but we own a business together, so my livelihood is wrapped up in all of this. Was I afraid of my husband finding out? Yes and no. Honestly, the abuse had become so common, such a routine, that I stopped being afraid of him. I just stopped caring all around. With this other man, yeah, maybe in some way I was hoping to build a life-raft. Again, I did not know my ex-lover was married, and he led me on to believe that he wanted more of a commitment and that he could give me work, since he is a very wealthy man. He knew about the abuse from my husband (he saw the marks) and wanted to help me get out of that situation. I don't really have family and friends to fall back on, since the my marriage has isolated me. I've also had a variety of friends betray me over the years, one who slept with my husband before we were married; so, I wasn't the first to cheat. And yes, I did consider abortion when I found out I was pregnant. In fact, that was the plan, but I miscarried before the appointment. I knew a kid in the mess of all of this would be a terrible idea. I know infidelity is a terrible act, but I acted out of desperation. And what now? I'm not being abused anymore by my husband, which is great, but it's going to take time to see him differently, as he will do the same with me. I suppose maybe it's natural to still pine for the affair, considering the circumstances. But after the revelations about my ex's life, I came to realize that the whole affair was one big lie and that's a tough pill to swallow. I'm obviously really confused and am currently seeking solitude, as much as my schedule can allow, to work through these issues.
You seem really emotional when responding to this subject; am I to assume that you've been cheated on by your husband and that's where the emotions are stemming from? If so, I'm truly sorry. Sometimes, it's an act of selfishness. Sometimes, it's an act of desperation. Either way, it's a sign that something is seriously wrong with that person. I know that now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2010): What did you actually expect from your hb when he found out you were pregnant with your lovers childm why did you not consider an abortion? Seems like you expeted your hb to just accept this other man seed or you wanted your lover to leave his marriage for you. Seems like you we're caught with your pants down- your lover did not leave his wife and your hb did not tolerate your unwanted pregnancy. Whatever your hb and your relationship was prior to your affair does not justify what you have done. Having an affair is one thing, having a resultant pregnancy is another. Makes what you did 100 times worse. If your hb is so bad then why the hell are you still in your marriage. No one to go to? At least you have left this MM alone to help salvage his life and marriage. In the end I think you have realised the devastating effects of betrayal. What happens when the next man showers you with attention and flattery? Another affair? Another resultant pregnancy? What have you really learnt from all of this? Are you wiser? Wher to from here with your marriage. You talk about physical abuse from your hb - were you not fearful of your hb finding out you were sleeping around and the consequences thereof? I am astounded at your lack of conscious. Instead of pining for your lover try working on your issues - your self esteem and your inner self. No one should stay in an abusive relationship. What causes your hb to lash out? Do you have other kids with him? I think you perhaps now need to make peace regarding your affair, the pregnancy and if you want to salvage your marriage then do so. But do not half heartedly stay in a marriage just because...m
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I didn't disclose some specifics about my marriage that pushed me away and into another man's arms. Not like it's a complete justification- by any means - but my husband had been physically abusive towards me for four years before I had the affair. I didn't feel loved for years, but rather bullied and controlled. I obviously was seeking some sort of tenderness and love that I wasn't finding in my marriage. Once the affair began, the abuse from my husband began to escalate and I began to be more emotionally involved with my ex-lover. Why do I miss my ex? That was the last non-abusive emotional connection I had with a man. My husband and I are both going through therapy, but we're both having difficulty seeing each other as good people. And in regards to my ex-lover returning to his family, I'm glad he did. I wouldn't want to devastate his children and marriage - I didn't even know he was married, and if I did, I wouldn't have pursued him. And in regards to the miscarriage, I would have never tried to lie to my husband and claim the kid was his. Actually the reasons I miscarried was a combination of the physical abuse from my husband and the rejection of my ex-lover. And I think you have the wrong idea here...I'm not looking for sympathy in all of this. I'm just looking for a way to emotionally move forward beyond the abusive relationship and an affair that was a total lie.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2010): let me provide another perspective:the person i feel sorry for is your HUSBAND. you cheated on him once, fell pregnant with your married lovers child and your lover kicked you to the curb. instead of working on your marriage, on your life with your husband, you are yearning for this other man. in fact you are cheating on your husband all over again. if you truly cannot and do not want to be part of your husbands life then tell him to move on. no use moping about and making his life miserable and then mourning for your lover. cut out the self pity and cut out the drama surrounding your affair. you want sympathy. then get a dog to lick your wounds. you are pining for a man who used you and threw you away YET you have a honorable man, a decent man, a man who has chosen to forgive your sex with another MM, your husband forgave you falling pregnant by this other man. You ave amn who who is essentially good and decent yet you do not appreciate what you have got. If you cannot honour your marriage vows, forsaking all others then time to cut the crap and tell your husabnd to move on.you are being utterly selfish. you are mourning what? your married lover? why not mourn the loss of your husband and marriage?? what did you eexpect, that your lover will leave his wife for you and that you both could destroy 2 homes and set up home together. that you could have a kid conceived when you were married and they you could play happy homes together. stop this depressive drama. a drama you created, a drama self inflicted. you seem to judge your lover for lying to you. time to smell the coffee here. you were lying to your husband wasn't you? so what is different? your lover choose and he chose his wife and family life, at least he had the decency to try to protect them from his affair. i say well done to him. you may not see it because you were hoping to continue with your affair, have this mans kid, pass it off as your husbands(?/)i actually do not understand how you could judge him. i actually admire a man to stick to his marriage inspite of minor distractions. your lover had the moral convictions of doing right by his family: you have you not tried this?you have no understnading of what this devesation has done to your husband, have you. you have no cooking clue what your husband is feeling. maybe, just maybe you need to look a bit deeper and see how you have messed up your marriage. you are so hellbent on craving your lover that you are abandoning your husband all over again.you say you love for your affair again and then this says it all. all the hogwash about guilt is just hogwash. stop playing the cast aside drama queen and start making amends to your husband. in reality he is the ONLY VICTIM here. you were the willing participant and you got burnt.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2010): I know exactly how you feel-even though my affair did not last quite as long as yours did. He was the one who chased after me. He was the one who started telling me he loved me. I probably would not have said half the things I said to him, if he hadn't said it first. Because if he says it first, that means he really loved me right? After the fun times and romantic times, he just stopped talking to me. I have had no word from him in two weeks now. I feel used, I feel as if I did or said something wrong. But, I didn't. For everytime I think about him, I have to remind myself that he used me for reasons I will never know. I have decided that this is a good second chance to work on my marriage and make it better. It hurts, and it probably always will, but you just have to put your chin up and know that you are not a fool.....you were just following your heart!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI suppose I had that special someone who helped everything make sense...and then life had this way of clouding our perspectives and muting our feelings...and my husband and I lost our connection...then I met my ex-lover...and suddenly, I felt a connection again...an intimacy I hadn't felt in years. Now, I'm completely disconnected from both my husband and ex-lover. I think it would be wise to work out my own issues before continuing any relationship. But yes, there is a part of me that completely feels used. My reasons for starting the affair had more to do with business...so I was initially ok with being "used" since it was mutual.. and only after my ex-lover pursued a more intimate, emotional relationship did I give in. Also didn't help that he lied about being married...or having kids...at least I was honest with him about my marital status. Though...he does seem the type to cut his losses and split....guess I was just seen as a liability by the time the affair ended, marginalize and cast aside. This overwhelming sense of foolishness consumes me these days. I wish I never even met him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks. It's funny that you suggest taking time apart...my husband brought that up the other night. I'm having a difficult time being intimate with him and I think he understands why. I agree that would probably be a good idea; I obviously have a lot of my mind. I suppose the most difficult part about it all is that I never really got closure from the affair. I essentially found out I was pregnant, briefly spoke with my lover, leaving off that we would be in touch, then never heard from him again. I ended up miscarrying. He obviously was scared that his wife and family would find out...and eventually they did, thanks to my husband and facebook. I just...well, all of the emotions of the affair coupled with getting pregnant...I suppose I never really had an outlet to deal with this. The abandonment of him never getting back to me was very difficult...I began to feel so foolish for developing emotions towards him and started believing that he was just manipulating me for sex because if he actually cared, he would have at least said something like an apology. Obviously, I was just a piece of trash in his eyes...that's really hard to stomach. I understand why he ignored me, to hopefully protect his family from this disaster, but it was painful and harsh. My husband walked out for a little while during that time, so I had no one but a therapist to talk to. I just wish I could just forget all of this...I wish I never cared...
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