A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together a little over 3 years... I am 22 and he is 24. Before you say anything about it being "young love," let me assure you, we've both been through a lot together... it hasn't been a juvenile relationship.He always talked about marrying me-- we were discussing next summer for the right time (I didn't read into anything- he was very upfront with what he wanted). Even before we narrowed in on a time, he called me his future wife for years... talked about having kids together, etc... (we even had rational discussions, like if we would share a joint-checking account... it wasn't all "rainbows and butterflies"). Two weeks ago he asked for a "break" (I was SHOCKED... we had just had a really fun "date night" 3 days prior). He said he is not seeing other people and is not looking (I believe him- he works 40 hrs/week and it's the "midnight shift," so he's sleeping during the day... plus, he still calls every day. I never call him anymore... trying to give him that space, since he asked for the "break.")I know guys are typically simple creatures, and if they want to be with you, they will be... but let me add that he has dealt with depression in years past (he's on medication) and ADD (he's on medication for that too). On top of that, he just graduated with a BS and has been thrown into a 40 hr. work week (very different from being a full time student). He says he's scared... that all this "grown up stuff" has snuck up on him and he didn't even see it coming (moving away from home included...even though we looked at apartments together). He says he needs time to reassess everything in his life... he says some days he's "full of certainty" about "us" and other days, he's just not sure. It sounds like he's having a quarter-life-crisis.i know we should have no contact... but he calls me, and i pick up, because let's face it, after 3 yrs together- it's hard to just act like someone doesn't exist... he wasn't just my bf- he was my partner. my best friend (we never talk for more than a couple mins. however b/c it's too painful for me)when he says he is unsure- i say, that means you dont want me. if you're unsure- that's the same as being sure you don't want me... it's black and white. he says that's not the case. he says he still loves me and would be devastated if i walked away from it all... he says he just needs some time to handle his problems and his life without anyone's influence.im devastated and so incredibly hurt... i feel like i shouldn't walk away from something that has the potential of working out (and something that has been so wonderful up until now). after all, couples go through bumps right? BUT, then i think, as much as i don't want to walk away, i feel like this is all extremely unfair to me... to string me along... doesn't a girl deserve a guy who would do anything to keep her? a guy who is in fear of losing her b/c she is so special? QUESTION 1: i don't know whether to hang on to that string and fight for us, despite my pride, or walk away (i am only considering walking away b/c it's so painful to be "in limbo" right now... and the sooner i know if it's officially done, the sooner i can try to start healing).i really don't think he's lying about all this stuff... i told him after i earn my post-bacc. certificate (which i'm in school for now), i may move out of state, and go back home (right now i live an hr away from him and 7 hrs from my family/"home"... i live an hour away b/c i'm going to the only school that will allow we to get this certificate in 3 months). when i told him that he said, "you would abandon us like that?" QUESTION 2: what if we officially break up, and i never stop missing him? never stop loving him? what if i even fall in love years from now, but that love/bond/relationship isn't as great as what i had with this man? im terrified... he is my best friend and i can't imagine not being with him. but should i even be with someone who could possibly imagine being without me? and if i shouldn't, who is to say i will ever find something so great ever again?...i'm just so confused and hurt. please help and be gentle, i'm very sensitive as this is all fresh and was VERY "out of the blue" please help
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2010): I know how you feel. I've been there...it feels like you've had the rug pulled out from under you. Just know that someday all the pain your feeling will be just a memory. Someday, either with this guy or someone else, you will feel happy and loved again. At the bottom of your heart, don't you want a frsh start?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni want to thank each of you for the detailed & thoughtful responses. each of you made excellent points, were honest, but not too harsh on me-- i appreciate that.
i still don't know what to do... my parents tell me as well to walk away. i just can't... not right now. i can't imagine it being fully over... i can't describe to you how in love i was... it was like something out of the movies. after 3 years, he still gave me butterflies.
at the end of august my program (the one i am going to school for) will be over, and i will have to make the choice of staying here, or moving back home. i'm not telling him this- but that's my "deadline" for all this crap to be over with... if he doesn't know what he wants by the end of august, im moving back home & it's over.
i just can't believe any of this is happening... i always was scared it would happen & he said "im different... im going to be with you forever... you'll never lose me." and i trusted him with my whole being. when i ask him about all those things he said, he just says, "that still could happen..." HOW CAN IT STILL HAPPEN? EVEN IF WE'RE TOGETHER AGAIN, I'VE ALREADY LOST YOU ONCE!
i really thought the official proposal was just around the corner. i feel broken... half the person of who i used to be... i just want the pain to stop.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010): I wont judge your "young love" because a similar situation happened to last year when i was 20, and my bf was 21 and we too had been going out for 3 years. In our situation we had been arguing a lot and there were issues between us that we would time and time agian try and resolve but they never would get resolved. We were in a vicious cyle so i guess i understand when he he told me he wanted a break but i was still shocked and devistated beyond belief. I kept asking how long this "break" was going to be and he would never give me even an approximate number. He too said that he wasnt going to be with other people and all that and i believed him but i was so confused. I would google breaks and stuff and all the stuff about this tells you that hes just stringing you along and a break is just a cowards way of breaking up. I started to think this too and it freaked me out. We would still see eachother off and on but in a matter of about two months we hung out 2 times and i just went out and did my own thing with friends and he would always be texting me or calling me asking how i was. After all my devestation and begging him, i just acted okay with it. Well it did in fact turn out to be just a break so no not every guy just says that cause its the easy way out. Just get out there and do your own thing so he can get a good sence of how it would be if you really did break up. He may miss you a tonne and once he gets his head cleared he may want to get back together. Or if he does come back and say he wants to end things there is really nothing you can do. He may be freaked out of all the grown up stuff cause that a pretty ligitimate reason so time may be what he needs. To be more fair to you though i think he should give you a rough amount of time to decide what hes going to do so you can stop putting your life on hold. Thats the worst part about these situations. You are just so unsure of whats going to come of it, and when its going to be resolved.
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male
reader, CWD31 +, writes (23 June 2010):
Alright, I'm a dude and I'll give it to you straight from a dude's point of view. "Breaking up," "taking a break," call it what you want...but a man isn't going to initiate that kind of thing if he truly wants to be with you. I don't care how busy he is, how stressed out he is, yadda yadda yadda...we've all been there. If a man loves you with all his heart, he's going to LEAN on you during those hard times and rely on your relationship to get him through, not "take a break" from you.
I don't want to be Debbie downer, but I'm just shooting it to you straight because you seem like a very good girl who deserves an equally good man. You need to TAKE CONTROL of this situation and not let him drag you on. Right now you're getting played by a guy who doesn't think highly enough of you to stay with you, but still wants to keep you on the back-burner by calling you every day. He's having his cake and eating it too and you're allowing him to do so. If you want a "definitive" answer so you can move on and begin the healing process, in my opinion he's already given you that answer. If he doesn't want to be with you 100%, then you deserve better. You'll get over him in due time, and eventually you'll move on and meet a man who DOES want to be with you. The love you feel for THAT man will far exceed the love you feel for some guy who's playing you like a fiddle right now.
Good luck and God speed.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (23 June 2010):
 I don't think he's lying either, and 22 is not too young to be in love! I think you're probably dead-on about the stress and life changes. After college everything is VERY different, and it can tear couples apart, just like the transition from high school to college. You shouldn't walk away with your pride as you say. Just give him his space and either he'll come around or he won't. It doesn't sound like he's ready to end things yet. I think this might just be his way of dealing with stress. Some guys deal with stress by shutting down and keeping everyone out of their lives. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Hopefully he sees how miserable life would be without you. The fact that he still calls a lot shows that he definitely misses you and doesn't want you out of his life right now. It's a good sign. Don't try to force him to talk about it, just be the best girlfriend you can.
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female
reader, Lostaslight islostinlight +, writes (23 June 2010):
I'm 20 years old. I am the last person who would prattle along about "young love" and the like. However, in answer to question 1, it sounds like this guy just doesn't know what he wants. He's waiting for you to make the deciding move....either you move back home and get on with your life, or you stay where you are and deal with his BS indefinitely (and by BS I mean his bullshit. Because the way he's treating you, his loving girlfriend of 3 years, is bullshit). He's essentially broken you up. He's just not strong enough to cut the line completely, hence the phone calls. I know it's hard when you're so used to laughing/talking/sharing with someone every day for 3 years...but your gut instinct is right. You need to completely sever contact so that you can see this situation clearly. I know you made plans for your future and it feels like those plans are slipping away, but you need to just let him go if that's what is best for you. Because YOU deserve to be happy too! And why should you be made unhappy just because this ONE guy has broken up with you, and now he refuses to leave you alone and let you heal? He acts like you'd be the one ending things if you stopped talking to him or moved back home, but that's wrong. He's already poured poison all over your relationship with all his doubts and issues. You're instinct is right: you deserve a guy who's going to just knock himsf out to make sure that you stay HIS. You deserve a guy who thinks your so special that he practically worships you! I'm sure that you really wanted this guy to be THE guy...but I wouldn't worry about never finding anyone you love as much as this current guy. You will ABSOLUTELY find someone else, as long as you are open to love it will find you. And when you find THE guy, it'll be way better than it ever was with this one, I promise you, I swear it. Because with THE guy, you'll feel special and wanted, and THE guy will never want to go on a break becaus he'll know what a catch you are!
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