A
female
age
36-40,
*harmmyKitty
writes:My boyfriend and I are moving in together at the start of next month. Before this, my boyfriend was renting a room at a fully furnished house, so he hasn't had to buy any furniture since he started living alone. I bought most the essential furniture at my house now, but I've been using my roommates kitchen supplies. To be specific, I'll be bringing the bed, the couch, the end/coffee tables, the desk, the tv, 3 videogame systems, the kitchen table, chairs, the shelves, and the dresser. What's his contribution? His own computer (which I don't use), a pillow, a set of knives, and a bunch of hangers.So we were shopping yesterday for the only other supplies we really need which is kitchen stuff. Plates, glasses, silverware, pots, pans, etc. It all came out to over $400.00. I said to him "why don't you just put in on your card, and I'll give you cash to pay for 1/2 later" Then it kinda hit me that I've already paid for most everything going into the apartment, so I brought it up, and asked if he would just pay for this portion. And his response was "I don't see how that's fair."Really???I didn't want to start a fight in the middle of Target, so I just let it go. But I'm wondering, am I really being unreasonable? Yeah, I bought all the furniture before we were dating, but it's still all stuff he's going to be using, and things he would have had to buy if I didn't, so I'm actually SAVING him tons of money. Also, I only got all that stuff 4 months before we started dating, and I'm still trying to pay off the credit card.And on top of that, he's a successful engineer, who makes about 10x more money than me: a waitress in a shit economy.The more I think about it, not only does it seem 'fair' but it seems like something he should have OFFERED to do.So is this an issue I should drop, or push? I don't want to get in a huge fight, but it does make me mad. Or is it really an unfair request?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2009): I think you are not being fair. ANd he isnt either. But for different reasons. You should not be trying to push him to pay for furniture you already have, however, if you two decide to buy the necessary supplies, then it should be split down the middle. I agree that if he is making 10x you, he should offer to take care of some stuff, but its not a must. A relationship is about sharing and being open. Its not about his or hers. Talk to him and tell him how you feel and hopefully ya'll can reach a compromise. Goodluck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2009): Sell your furniture. Make him pay 50% of whatever new furniture you buy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2009): I dont think its fair to ask him to pay for furniture he'll use since they will still belong to you. If he pays for them, if/when you break up, you will have to buy them back. Just be happy you already have some furniture and dont have to spend even more money to buy things. Eventually, he'll fill the apartment up with things of his own, as he probably isnt keen on the idea of living in "your" apartment (some see it that way when nothing in the apartment is theirs).
Do you really, honestly, want him to pay a rent on the bed? A bed that you bought, and at the end of the day YOU will be the one who brings it with you when you move.
Owning things together can be cute and fun, but initially, its truly great and reassuring to know you have your things and he has his. That way, in case of a separation of sorts, you dont have to fight over furniture.
If you are so scared he'll break your bed, let him sleep on the floor with his pillow perhaps? Sounds like its what you want.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2009): Definitely push it. I can't for the life of me see how he thinks it's anything other than fair. Maybe he's one of those people that thinks the world owes him a living.
I imagine you're quite committed to living together, but my first instinct was to tell him not to bother moving in if he can't pay his fair share, and if he's earning 10x more than you do that doesn't mean an expenses split of 50/50 either!
A joint bank account might be one answer, although since my first divorce I've avoided that like the plague!
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A
female
reader, AskAnything  +, writes (6 May 2009):
Hey,Have You talked to him about his financial issues, does he have alot of money or is he just not helping out?Maybe you should wait until you know he is THE ONE (until marrige) and then that mighthelp too.Talk to him about it. Roughly add up your amount and his and tell him the difference and what you think of it, he should come to his senses and if he doesnt, are you SUR he is THE ONE for you ?Hope this helps...Love, xx
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