A
female
age
30-35,
*kyisbluensoru
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for three years as of yesterday. When we met, we were both employed and I was FT in college, he was PT. 5 months after we started dating, I moved across the city and out of the dorms to live with him. We've now lived in 3 different apartments together and get along very well.In January, we moved into our first apartment w/out roommates and at the same time, he found out he had failed out of school (2nd time.) He enrolled in 2 courses at community college and his parents supported his rent/spending. He didn't work. He failed the 2 community classes, his third time failing out of college.During this time I finished my bachelor's and got a job right after school. I also worked while in school.Our goal had been to move across country this September, which I've been working very hard towards. He hasn't been working at all. Since his parent's cut him off in May after 3rd time failing out of school, he still hasn't found a job. I've helped him with resumes, networking, etc. and still no job.I decided to break our lease and move without him. Two of my friends are coming with me and would have come with both of us had he worked for it.Now he's upset because moving was "our dream." But he did nothing to achieve it! He thinks I should help him pay to move out there and he says he'll get a job right away to pay me back. His track record says he won't find a job. He hasn't worked in a year and its hard to even get him to do housework. I feel bad for him- he does have ADHD (but does nothing to better it- won't take his meds or listen to any alternative advice like diet/exercise), also seems to have anxiety/depression.I hope moving back in with his parents helps him change. I've tried to help him with no success. I know he loves me and I love him but I know we can't keep going like this- with me supporting both of us. Am I doing the right thing by leaving? I feel selfish but I also feel like I need to do what's right for me. I told him I will stay with him and be there for him and if he makes progress and can afford it, he can meet me out there. I just don't know if it will really happen :\ It's sad! Also, I'll be taking both our pets (I bought the dog, he loves the cat but his family is allergic.) I don't want to just "cut him off" but he needs a reality check, right?!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2012): The community college should have some sort of program in place to help students with adhd. It usually falls under a disability when the symptoms are severe.
If he an his parents went to have him assessed at the college for adhd and other learning disabilities, it is possible that they could forgive the classes he failed out of due to depression/anxiety/adhd.
As difficult as it is, leaving is the best thing for you to do. Don't loan him money and don't let him tag along.
The best way for him to get a job is to dress decently, and go from business filling out job applications and speaking to the hiring manager or store manager while he is there. People are more likely to hire someone who they are already familiar with. Otherwise, he is just another face-less name with generic skills looking for work like everyone else who has applied for the same job.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (19 July 2012):
 You ARE doing the right thing by moving, if he wishes to 'catch up" he will work at whatever is necessary to get him there.
Don't lend him the money, as you say, his track record is not good.
good luck with your future, you sould like you have yor head screwed on correctly!
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A
female
reader, Lost1981 +, writes (19 July 2012):
You aren't being selfish. Do what you need to do for you. If he wakes up and starts relying on himself and realizes what he missed out on that will be good for both of you. But, he needs a reality check and needs to grow up. You cannot help him if he doesn't want to be helped. Live your life and drop the dead weight.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 July 2012):
 Doesn't matter if he has ADHD, you should never loan money to a boyfriend. He should move back home, and figure out what he wants to do and stick to it. His parents can't make you a surrogate parent because they had never known what to do with him. Does he qualify for disability claims? There are ADD centers that will help them learn organizational skills and social skills. They also help them with employment.
I am disappointed that there is no single school for ADHD in the world yet. They just put them on drugs so what, the teachers will have an easier time?
You can't just tell an ADHD person, especially a depressed one, to get a reality check and to just fit in. It will be helpful if you research on ADHD. Sorry I don't know what the solution is. I honestly don't think medications is it. It is still a study in progress and it takes years. There is neurofeedback but there aren't enough success cases. If he has a goal in life let it be changing the lives of other people with ADHD
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