A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Aunts and Uncles:Moved in with boyfriend of 4 years: we love each other, we have a good relationship, we are both responsible, we see ourselves together for the long run. Problem: my guy has gone from being positive about the idea of marriage for himself, to totally silent about it over a period of time. I am on no mission to get married anytime soon, but would like to some day. I asked him what the next step was, now that we were moved in together. He says he doesn't know what he wants. Not sure if he wants kids. Not sure if he wants to get married. Says too many people get divorced (like his friends, recently) and his siblings have not had stable marriages (therefore he thinks he can't have one with me?). Sure, I'm not bent on getting married or doing the kids thing right now, but at least I entertain the notion as a possibility. He flounders in his answer when I ask him. I honestly don't think he's a bad person for changing his mind, but he lead me to believe that marriage was in the future. Now it's on and off the radar, with his answers spinning out of control from "yeah, maybe" to "I don't know! I live in the moment". I feel a mixture of anger and disappointment that he could back track on such a important issue now that we're together. He has been totally committed to me for as long as we have been dating: in fact, a dedicated "husband" without the documents and rings. Is he afraid to "box" himself in to an identity? Does he want the freedom to walk away? I told him that I could leave if I wanted to, but he said his home is with me. Is he having a identity crisis right now (He's 31, and our friends are getting married / divorced / having babies)? I am willing to live with him without marriage for a while, but when I want kids, I would like to be married. I love him dearly. What can I do to help him set his compass in a clear direction: YES or NO, but stop making me dizzy!Please provide your insight! Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2013): This is OP: Thank you for your answers. I firmly believe that my boyfriend is not as nefarious as the anonymous poster paints him. So_Very_Confused also says I'm being played, but at least gives a glimmer of hope for my situation. Aunt Honesty, thanks for being kind and giving an encouraging answer that dosen't entirely suggest my boyfriend is using me. I am not weak-willed and will leave, albiet maybe selfishly, if I don't get a straight answer from his lips as to the question of our future. I want to work with him on building love, not throwing it away. I asked him why he didn't want to marry me last night in the middle of a cuddle. He said," You think I don't want to marry you? Please don't worry about that." Um? I'm going to get to the bottom of this.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2013): "I asked him what the next step was, now that we were moved in together."Moving in together was the next step. As my late grandmother would have said, "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?"". . . but he lead me to believe that marriage was in the future. Now it's on and off the radar"He said what he needed to get what he wanted, now that he has a shack-up girlfriend providing regular and frequent sex with no commitment and no obligation he no longer needs to dangle the marriage carrot under your nose. "He has been totally committed to me for as long as we have been dating: in fact, a dedicated 'husband' without the documents and rings."No documents and no ring means no commitment; a "husband" without the documents and rings is a "boyfriend" who can bail at any time. "Is he afraid to "box" himself in to an identity?" No, he's afraid to 'box' himself into a legal commitment from which extricating himself would require considerable time, effort, expense and signing over half his assets. "Does he want the freedom to walk away?"No, he doesn't want to give up the freedom to walk away that he currently enjoys."I am willing to live with him without marriage for a while"He is willing to live with you without marriage indefinitely."What can I do to help him set his compass in a clear direction"Move out and see how long it takes him to put a ring on it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 June 2013):
 there is nothing you can do to set him straight.
you are taking a giant risk that when your biological clock goes off and you are ready and he's still not that you will
either backtrack and give him kids without marriage
or
be stuck out in the cold without a man to have babies with because you wasted your time on a guy who is clearly telling you that he does not think he wants to marry you.
or
settle for living with him with no children.
I have to be honest, I know of several men who swore they were never getting married. then they met a girl and fell in love and within two years both of them married the girl of their dreams. both of them never married one was age 52 and one was age 39 (and one is my husband)
neither of them want children however so that was never an issue.
my 26 yr old son just broke up with a girl who after a month said to him "I want to be married by age 30" and he refused to commit to her after one month (wise on his part)
but after 4 years, your guy should know.
basically my take... he's never going to marry you, you are playing house now and he's happy he has it all why does he need to put a ring on it.
fwiw my dad and "stepmom" are not legally married but they have been together since 1996 and own their home together and I introduce her as my stepmom. it's just a piece of paper for them.
if it's important to you, however you need to stand your ground.... he's made it clear it's not important to him... consider moving out and making it clear that it has to be important to him, if it's that important to you.
if you move out, you risk losing him forever... if you stay and in 5 years he's still not wanting to get married you will either move out then or give him what he wants pretend family with a woman he's willing to impregnate but not marry.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 June 2013):
 I think he may just be getting cold feet. I doubt that it has anything to do with you personally as it still sounds like he is committed and wants to be with you, I guess it has a lot to do with what is happening around him. He sees people getting married and then splitting up and I guess maybe it has got him thinking. You are both happy now and it could be possible that he does not want to jinx that by getting married.
However I do understand where you are coming from completely and off course you want to know where you stand and what your future holds. It is correct that nobody knows what the future has in store for them and people do change there mind often about things. However the only way to keep this relationship strong is to talk to each other and be completely honest with him about how you feel when it comes to marriage and children and indeed your future. Good luck.
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