A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone,I've posted a while back about how to move on from my ex etc but wanting a bit advice on an update really. Long story short, me and my partner split up about 4/5 months ago now. We lived together for the majority of our relationship. Moving in so quick made us very dependent on each other and we didn't really have much of a life of our own which really detiriorated our relationship. I had some rust issues whilst I was with him. Nothing to do with him. It was on my end and just my insecurities. He wanted me to change and I tried but I just didn't really know how as much as I wanted to. Eventually, he gave me an ultimatum and said I either change today or that's it. And I didn't think that was really fair. So I said I couldn't do that without support and eventually we broke it off. My trust issues come from an abusive childhood and I think mine and my ex's values didn't match up which made me a bit paranoid. It ended badly and it didn't have to. He had so much anger on his part and I desperately wanted some closure and he was just aggressive towards me. I think there was so much built up frustration on his end he just blew up. Because he never gave me any reason not to trust him. Ever. I ended up moving out, made a life for myself, got counselling every week (which has helped beyond words, I just wish I'd done it years ago) where now I know how important it is to put boundaries up for myself, care about myself more and now I know my parents alcohol addiction was nothing to do with me. I feel better in myself and stronger. I never knew any of this before. The other day, I asked my ex for a few of my things back I'd left in his house. He was extremely blunt with me and it made me disappointed. I've recently just got a promotion and instead of celebrating, that night I cried because I missed him and wanted to celebrate with him. At that moment I realised i had to move on for myself and if he didn't want to give me closure that I needed, I was going to make it for myself. I've not thought of anyone else since we broke up. I miss him terribly and I could never go back to how our relationship was. I've found it very hard to move on 100% without closure. So I messaged him everything I needed to say the other day and it's like a weight was lifted completely. Before that, I thought he despised me. I thought that he'd moved on and not given me a seconds thought and it was really hard to cope with. I didn't rely on a text back, I kept it nice but also wanted to make sure he knew that the way he cut me off and his aggression really wasn't needed. And that's all my aim was which I made sure he knew. So I got a reply which to my surprise wasn't bad. It was actually reflective and he said he still thinks about me and cares. It's hard because I know he'll never really believe me but now I have moved out of his house,I feel happier in myself with or without a partner, not dependent at all. I feel like I am in a much better position than I ever have been to trust someone and be in a healthy relationship. Part of me thinks I should move on eventually and meet someone else. Another part of me thinks I should try and sort things out with my ex if it's still possible at all. I would still stay in my own house and have my independence because I think that's what broke us down a lot. But I wouldn't know how to really even approach it. It seems any communication is hanging by a thread as it is, I just really hope I didn't miss out on someone who I loved so much because of my insecurities which I'm not only continuously working on but feel like they're improved.My ex was wrong to end things so badly. But I see it on both sides. He was sick of being blamed for everything and felt trapped and just needed it over. I had a lot going on and didn't need someone I loved telling me 'my closure is you fucking off' I think he was hurt and he still loved me. It must have been hard ending it with me because I refused to just trust him. He was really offended in the end. But then again I think if you truly love someone you'll work on things to sort it out. I don't know. Honestly, our relationship had its flaws but I think it came from moving in too soon and being so codependent. When it was goof, we were absolutely best friends and looking back I know he'd never ever cheat on me. Do you think it sounds like I'm best to move on and just accept what's happened or try and patch things up?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2018): I am so sorry that you have gone through this!When you consider that you thought, as a child, that your parents alcoholism was your responsibility you can see that you started life as a disadvantaged child.Had you held those beliefs any longer you may well have become alcoholic yourself.Taking therapy to discuss this is the smartest thing you could have done and in all probability breaking up saved potentially 3 lives.Yours, your boyfriend and any child that would have been also effected.So many women with problems turn to drink to forget themselves.Facing your issues head on was the best thing to do.As for the boyfriend: he would have felt ultimately drained and I think the responsibility he felt could have become overwhelming.I think you painted this guy as a saint because you needed a saviour.In the end you discovered your own power to save yourself.You assumed it was all your fault but realistically you must question this because you assumed that your parents drinking was your fault.In fact this guy was less than perfect.Most people are less than perfect.It must have been a pressure for him to try to keep up the image of perfection.He wrote a nice caring reply because he didnt want you to go off the deep end.He cares as a human.Just as most humans wouldn't like to see a person knocked down by a car.It doesn't mean he wants to rekindle.He just chose his words carefully.I would say that he probably meant what he said and that he knew it was over and just wanted you to acknowledge and move on.Sometimes it can never be more than it was.You werent happy.You blamed it on the house.You blamed it on your trust issues.You just couldn't bring yourself to blame it on him.But you could never blame your parents because they were your role models.You became over tolerant of other peoples faults.And you blamed yourself for their shortcomings.Now it seems logical to think that maybe this guy wasnt as great as you thought.Maybe he was good for you in a bad way.You became very unhappy and God bless you, you dealt with all that life has thrown at you in a practical manner.This is your strength.Now dismiss this bloke and dont look back.Quite possibly he had issues of his own to sort out.Its best just to drop the matter and cut the contact and say to yourselves: We're done with hurting each other.As you can only think for yourself you have to say "I'm done with hurting him!" You can start life from a better angle as separate individuals each with your own unique talents to bring to the world.See it as a trial run! One where you learned to put the brakes on before you destroyed each other.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2018): Sweetheart, leave him alone and move on. No contact from this point on. You have to complete your detachment and withdrawal process. Get him out of your system.
Closure only means giving you another opportunity to plead yourself a case; in an attempt to change his mind. He doesn't have to keep convincing you he's done. That's why he told you so; in such a rude, abrupt, and brutal way. Don't do that to him, or to yourself. You gave it a try, and it didn't work. He's too gun-shy, and it's too far beneath you to live your relationship on your knees. Killing yourself to prove how much you've changed. You wouldn't trust him, so his love had nothing to survive on. Now you want to offer it as an after-thought. No, he has already sacrificed enough emotionally dealing with your insecurities.
Be fair. It's not all about you!
You need your independence for awhile. You have to establish yourself, and secure your own individuality. Not always be half of a relationship.
Strive to be a whole and functioning-individual. Pursue your own happiness; and nurture your own homegrown self-esteem.
Then you will not require validation and approval from others. You can give and take in a healthy way; expecting no more or less than what you truly deserve.
You are very young. You haven't lived on your own for very long. You've barely been out out of high school, and I assume you attended college. You quickly moved in with a guy to help you feel safe and secure. Dragging bad memories of your alcoholic parents around like baggage filled with heavy stones. Unsure of who you are, and if you can take care of yourself.
Recovery and self-improvement takes time. You don't need to be rushed, tested, or pressured. You need TIME! That means time on your own, to pursue your own interests, and to date for fun, not always for keeps. Explore life, and what you want to do with it. Seek purpose, and give-back.
Don't resurrect or try breathing life into that dead old-relationship. Then it might become a pattern of make-ups and breakups. Recycle paper, glass, wood, metal, and plastic. Never boyfriends!
Allow yourself time for your therapy to bring you many more breakthroughs. Give yourself time to function without the need of therapy. Then when you feel comfortable running on your own power, consider seeking something serious. You will feel more secure; because you will not be compelled by dependency and weakness. You'll want to be with a man; but not need one. You will love and trust yourself enough, that you can love and trust others. This is not impossible to achieve. It's necessary for survival, sweetheart!
You're young. Enjoy your freedom and independence. Enjoy male-companionship without stress or pressure. Don't be pressured by sex, or a need for validation. Work on yourself, become a more productive worker on your job, and be at peace. You've lived under enough pressure and intensity. So has he!
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A
female
reader, Toopoortoaffordadoctorlol  +, writes (18 September 2018):
Hey love, first id like to say congratulations on your new beginning and journey to find yourself. You guys have been broken up for almost half a year. I salute you for not creating a toxic cycle already by jumping back together right away. You already have had wonderful changes. You are independent and self aware now. You've fixed what broke your relationship so i understand you feel now is okay to try again. It is wonderful to get your closure and nicer, mature words because im sure he was just hurt the first time. Ive gotta be honest though, your heart is already halfway out. The pain is already a little easier to deal with. You realize you risk losing everything you've learned and could make it worse? I only want you to see what the worse could be first since i know you have "fix it" on the brain. A few months is a long time already, why not make it a year? Give you AND him enough time to know what you want, not just what you miss. Realize what y'all had and see if you find someone more fit for you. You felt lonely and it triggered this. Dont do it cause you're lonely either, you know when you're ready.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (18 September 2018):
 Congratulations on making progress and actually going ahead with councilling. I think a lot of people on this website will be advised to go down that route and just disregard it as nonsense and keep going around in the same circles, so it’s good to hear you’re getting on well.
In regards to your ex, let it go. Breakups hurt, they’re tough periods to go through and it usually gets a lot worse before it gets better. Something to note about relationships whether they work out or not are experiences that help you to learn things about yourself, where your strengths and weaknesses lie and what areas you could possibly be going wrong in.
Your relationship broke down because of your trust issues, you’ve then gotten help for those problems and feel like you’ve moved forward. Your relationship showed something you needed to change and since it ended you have done so. You’ve improved yourself because of a situation that didn’t work. That’s a big positive, you can now move forwards into your next relationship and you know what behaviours to look out for so you can nip any problems in the bud as soon as you notice them.
You sent the message that you needed to, you got your response and closure so you can move on now. Exes are that way for a reason, things didn’t work out and to revisit it for a second Time probably wouldn’t go any better. The reason for the first break up is always lingering and it’s possible things could slip back to the old ways. Then you’re heading into an on/off relationship where things just aren’t working and there’s nothing but heartache.
Keep working on yourself and take what you’ve learned into your next relationship. Don’t dwell on the past, you got everything off your chest so it’s now time to move on.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 September 2018):
 I think you REALLY need to leave him to move on so you can move on too.
There is no going back. It's just not going to happen.
Just because he replied in a nice manner doesn't mean me wants you back, it means he read your message, understood it and decided to be MATURE about it.
And while he worded it like a complete dick-wad... He was actually right, "YOUR closure is you fucking off". You don't NEED him to "GIVE" you some kind of magical closure. That is not realistic.
YOU know what YOU did wrong - you know what HE did wrong and thus you KNOW why the relationship failed and ended.
IT was for the best.
Why do I presume that? Because YOU got help with your issues, and you are working on them.
Getting back with him (regardless of where you live) is only going to set YOU back, and him having issues with TRUSTING you to really have changed.
You still keep him in your life and it's going to hold you back. While it would have been nice for him to be civil when you asked for stuff back, you also waited THIS long to get it back... sorry, he didn't OWE you to be civil or happy to hear from you. Especially IF he is trying to move on with his life.
I think you VERY much need to move on and leave him to move on as well.
It's GREAT that you have worked on yourself and hopefully THAT will help you in your next relationship. There is NOT need to go dig in the past relationship and try and revive it. It's just not going to magically fix all the past stuff between you two. You both remember what happened, and either one of your or both of you will be waiting for the other shoe to drop...
Keep working on yourself. Work your independence, any hopes, goals and dreams.
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